I will post my story in preg & birth loss later. Thanks for the well wishes. This is the most hardest thing to go through ever.
My friend posted the hard annoucement, but now I will share with you my experience.
On Thursday evening my family & I went walking a the local market night, trying to start labor. When I was walking I had a huge muscle spasm on the left side of my uterus. I did not think much of it. Later that night, Alexa was moving like crazy. We were watching & enjoying that so much! (I do not know if it has anything to do with what happened, but that was the only pain I had suffered.) The next morning I woke up with a cold, I even posted about that here. I called my midwife to see what I could take being at term. After about 1 1/2 hours of being awake, I noticed she had not moved. I went & laid down, to do a kick count. Nothing. I drank juice & ice water, nothing. So I called my midwife back, and told her I had not felt movement this morning, (it is now noon), and that I wanted to have a heart rate check. She was about 45 minutes away. She got to my home & we went into my bedroom. She looked for a heartbeat for about 10 minutes & I kept saying, Oh my God, I knew this was going to happen. (Not sure if any of you remember my post in our fears thread.) I told my midwife, I know she is gone, lets just go to the hospital. She was so diligent looking for a HB and wanted to keep trying. I told her I was ready to leave. Anyway, we called the hospital. They told us to come & go through the ER. My DH happened to be working at the hospital that day, and I had him go to the ER before we got there and ask what we were to do. The ER told him to have me go straight to L & D. We went to L & D & the nurses were pretty snotty. They asked who my Dr. is. I told them, I had been seeing a midwife & Dr. V. They said, Dr. V does not back up any midwife. I said that Dr. V is not her back up but that I had concurrent care. The nurses then said, you saw him early on & quit. I said no, I saw him until 37 weeks.
Anyway, they finally get me into a room. If anything is good about this horrible nightmare, Dr. V was the emergency on call OB. He came in very peacefully. That was so nice. The ultrasound machine was already in the room & he scanned my belly. I could see her spine, head, legs, but no movement. Nothing, just a still baby. They then had the ultrasound department come in and verify that my baby had died.
I did not even give them a chance to give me options. I knew I wanted a c-sec. (My mom had a late term still born & it was hell. After hearing that story all my life I knew what I wanted.) I knew that once I had this c-sec, any future children would be c-sec (which we are). My midwife then told me how hard physically my recovery would be, but I was ok with that.
It took about 2-3 hours to finally have the surgery. Waiting was hard, as I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to hold her & look at her & love her & kiss her. She was born still at 6:15pm. My Dh was with me. He got to hold her right away. I held her in recovery. I did hours of skin to skin with her. She was so soft. She looked like she was sleeping. They finally got me into my room at 9:30pm where my family & friends were waiting. Actually, my kids came in first to hold her. They handled this so well. We bathed her as a family and dressed her. We took a foot mold. I dressed her in the knit soaker I had made for her. We had her for 7 hours after she was born. My mom baptized her during her bath. We just loved on her. She looks just like my other two kids did when they were born. Lots of dark hair, fair skin. She was smaller than my other two. She was 7lbs 6oz & 20 inches. They were 8lbs 7oz & 8lbs 10oz & 22 inches. She looked absolutly perfect.
I will alway have a hole in my heart for my Alexa. She had such a short life, but a very loved & nurtured life. We are planning her funeral. Going home from the hospital was very hard. Seeing all her beautiful things. I am trying to remember the positive pregnancy that I had. I have many unanswered questions, and I am not sure if they will ever get answered. Somehow though, I knew all along she was going to be born to die. It is wired, like she was talking to me and telling me all along.
I will end this now. I am glad I got to know all of you on the May 05 group. Love your babies & give them lots of extra hugs & Kisses from me, please.
(I will add pictures soon)
sending you peace, love and healing, cristina, through this very sad time... please know that i am thinking of you and your family and your sweet alexa rose.
Originally Posted by darkstar
Oh mama...I felt such a conection with you as we shared the end of our pregnancies.
You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be so.
Mom to two boys, ages 8 and 11, and one blessing due May 8th.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
Acupuncturist to pregnant and post partum mamas!
I am thinking and praying for you and your family... thank you for sharing your little girl with us...
please let me know if we can do anything
First and foremost, Mama to Owen (7/21/04), Annaliese (7/29/09), and somebody new (due Feb 2012), and wife to Andrew (9/12/98). Also passionate about and loving the work I do in Organizational Development.