and i'm doing fine.
i think part of the problem with my ups and downs was that i was so down, in such a dark place that i couldn't recognize the ups and subsequent downs and wasn't filling out my symptom evaluation forms very well. i think that things got to extremes before we adjusted my meds as i worked with truehope
to evaluate my status and help me get off my medication. and i also don't think i was on the right medication - i was on an antipsychotic and a mood stablizer, neither of these were for depression, they were for mania and psychosis, which were short lived symptoms. but it still took me months to get these things worked out of my system.
when i first stopped my last med (the mood stablizer, the antipsychotic i stopped about 3 weeks before), i felt better. good. happy, even. but a few days later i was depressed again. this was analyzed to be withdrawl.
it's been over a week now and i've reached a new plateau. i'm not happy, not having a good or bad day, just recognize that my moods are different, yet again, and it's part of the healing process. it gets quite confusing, as i realize this plateau is a measure of where i'm at, i recognize it from my previous encounters, emerging from the fog, as it were, it's still a different state of being that needs to be adjusted to. this is such a long process, i can't imagine i'll ever be done - and perhaps i won't. perhaps my head is just permanently out of whack. i mean, setting asside the chemical whammy, i had a hell of a cosmic upheaval resulting in a spirtual awakening and re-evaluation. perhaps i'm forever being rebuilt? who knows, it's been a long time, but it's still too early to tell. this process has been so gradual that i feel as if i'm standing still - and yet, perhaps i'm standing on a conveyer, because when i look back, i see how far i've come.
i want to get to the point where i can say that truehope has helped me. and there are several things i can point to to indicate that they have. and i'm no longer on these medications and my depression has improved tremendously. but i'm still recovering. and for what it's worth, they've been along for the ride and have helped me cope with the changes with compassion and true understanding from those who've been there. i'm looking forward to further improvement. i have faith that i've put my trust in a worthy product.
i saw my naturopath last week. she gave me a remedy that worked for a few days, until i mistakenly antidoted it. my heads been so far out of the game that homeopathy hasn't helped, until recently.
i was in such a bad place i couldn't feed myself, didn't care to and couldn't care for my baby, for quite some time. i think it's a testament to truehope that i'm where i am now instead of on further drugs.
perhaps this sounds like i'm being a little defensive. i know i was an impediment to my own recovery. i was a very head strong opnionated person before this all came up. asking for help isn't something i was good at. but, it is something i had to do. i had to accept help without asking for it, for a while, then realize, with out guilt or remorse, that i wasn't able to care for myself and someone stepped in, and it was ok.
i don't know what the future holds. but i'm learning to accept now as all there is and allow the future to unfold before me. without fear or guilt or shame. i just am what i am, naked before the world. rebuilding myself as i go. letting the past lie.
who knew childbirth included such profound lessons? i would never have guessed. i can only live it and carry on.