I want to injure my DH - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 04:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I dont know why. I have a 2 week old LO and I dont feel depressed per se. Very anxious and irritable. I feel irrational. Its like I know its irrational and unreasonable behavior but cant control it... like someone else has taken the wheel and is driving my brain and I am just a passenger. I feel angry, sad, scared, alone, and anxious.

I am not handling being a SAHM very well. I have never NOT had a job... I have worked since I was 16. The longest matrnity leave I ever took was 3 weeks.

But interestingly enough, I dont have bad feelings toward my kids (I had a problem with that when DS was born.) Its just DH

I feel trapped and I hate my DH because he hasnt altered his social life and I have.

I am also feeling the pain and stress from not having a rest and recovery period after my birth. DH had to work. I think he assumed that because I had an "easy" birth and had the energy to take care of things, that it was ok and he was off the hook. The day after giving birth I was doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner. I havent stopped since. I dont sleep at night and I find it next to impossible to sleep during the day.

Im going to crack...
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#2 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 08:06 AM
 
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Originally Posted by acory23 View Post
I feel trapped and I hate my DH because he hasnt altered his social life and I have.
Not sure what this means... Is he out partying half of the night? Meeting old friends without you? Going somewhere for an hour once a week?

I will say that in that situation, with a newborn and other kids, I would expect dh to ask me before he went anywhere other than work. It might also be that you need to get out of the house more, with the kids and dh. I think being a SAHM would be hard if there was never anything on the calendar. Just going to visit friends or something, altogether, can be a wonderful change. (If one remembers that it will not be like it used to. Babies come first, no matter where you are.)

Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
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#3 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 08:35 AM
 
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I don't think you're being irrational. In that situation, I would probably want to hurt dh too if I was saddled with all the household responibilities. Even if you had an "easy" birth, you still had a birth. Your body is recovering from pregnancy. May I suggest you post this in Parents as Partners? The people there may be able to give you suggestions on how to broach this topic with your dh, because a woman who just gave birth should be resting, not being Super Suzy Homemaker!

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#4 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Not sure what this means... Is he out partying half of the night? Meeting old friends without you? Going somewhere for an hour once a week?
Meaning that in addition to working more than average, he has been spending almost every evening (that he isnt working) at his best friend's house or if he is home, he is wrapped up in his music. He is a house DJ and so is his best friend. His bf's wife had a baby in July and when that happened, we didnt see him without his wife for over a month. When I try to point this out to DH, that this behavior is not ok, he gets angry. I believe his friend has even told him that he needs to be at home more. BUT his friend told him he needs to do so by working less.

I dont mind him working more. We need the money. He is a plumber so any work he gets he HAS to take and I am cool with that. I also understand the need for down time but there has to be a balance made.

Im tired and cranky so I could understand him needing a little break here and there but maybe I wouldnt be so tired and cranky if I had some help.
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#5 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 01:05 PM
 
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If he is avoiding his responsibilities and also avoiding discussing them because he is feeling overwhelmed then he needs to organise for you to get some help.

A cleaning lady for a start, even for a couple of hours per week just to vacuum and help with the laundry. That way you might resent him less.

Personally I think your reaction is normal.
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#6 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 01:32 PM
 
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Wow, you have so much going on! Please don't beat yourself up for feeling cranky and tired - you have many children and a brand new baby. I agree with EwokMomma that your reaction is completely normal. I remember wanting to bash my husband's brains in with a cast iron pan on and off throughout the first month of our daughter's life - I only felt this way when it seemed he was not helping or being supportive in the ways I needed at the time.

Of course I don't know your husband, so please don't take offense when I say that I think he is being ridiculous at this point in time. I think from what you posted that this is not a SAHM issue right now, it is an exhaustion/lack of support issue. Of course your husband deserves time to do his own thing, but I hope you'll forgive me for saying I don't think he is entitled to any break right now with such a tiny baby at home. You won't be getting any break for a little while, and it is completely fair for you to demand any non-working time of his be spent at home just now. Maybe you could let him know that you really need his help and support for at least the first 6 weeks? (I only have the one child, but I found things became much easier in many ways at the 6 week mark, and friends of mine have had the same experience so it seems like a pretty common thing.)

The PP's suggestion to get some household help if possible is a great one, because you shouldn't have to worry about ALL the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. right now - you have enough to do!

And then I think you should have a talk with your husband about your need for help. Btw, this IS a need, not a want. SAHM or not, you are not going to be able to sustain this much activity without being miserable. To be fair to him (since most men seem to lack intuition about things like this), he may be thinking that if you aren't asking for help then you don't really need it. It blows my mind sometimes the things my (otherwise sensitive) husband isn't able to figure out on his own. Spelling it out for him and giving him a proposed timeframe for when he can resume his outside activities might be the ticket.

I hope this gets better for you soon!
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#7 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 08:27 PM
 
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I think probably anyone would feel resentful.
if i were in your shoes I'm sure i would.
and you want to injure, him ok so just blame it on the movies you grew up on
try to slap some sense into him. or at least call him the not-so-DH or something! like eat all his ice cream? Ok you probably might want to pray about any and all advice i give you...sorry.

Also if its not fair I'd try to make it fair by doing something for you. Do it every week, or every day.
Ask him to be direct about his needs and be direct back with your own.

hmm uh i think i better do that too talk to you about it later.
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#8 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 08:31 PM
 
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Oh mama! Do you have anyone around you who could drop by and help, even if its just for grown up conversation?

In all honesty, I can't imagine if dh left me like that with the kids, especially with a newborn. It's not like they are just my kids, yk?

Lots of love mama
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#9 of 12 Old 01-25-2009, 09:42 PM
 
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I have been feeling very similar to you and I had my baby 10/05/08. I keep putting it off as non-PPD related but it's not going away. I have more of a feeling of anxiety also which is a symptom that goes hand-in-hand with PPD.

Of course there could be some deeper core issues that require counseling but counseling takes time. And with the way things are headed with the way I'm feeling, we don't have that time.

I don't want to take prescription drugs so I am seeking some alternative medicine. Tonight I'm going to get some reflexology done. He said he's going to integrate some other stuff in and do a combination of things. I hear cranio-sacral therapy can work too.

I honestly don't think that just having someone come over and do something is the answer, it goes deeper because I've tried several of the options given here and it really is a deeper issue than that.

Reading you post made me feel like I have been letting this go too long because how in the world could you be feeling just like me after having a baby unless we are both experiencing symptoms of PPD? I don't know.
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#10 of 12 Old 01-26-2009, 03:50 PM
 
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i feel for you. it would've been nice if someone other than you had advised your dh about how much emotional and practical support a postpartum mom needs. recently i was chatting with a expecting father at my dh's work party and i just went for it. i gave him so much advice on how to treat his postpartum wife when the time came. i said "you need to be totally sensitive to her emotions, completely cheerful and supportive, constantly bringing her water and healthy snacks. avocado slices, chips, fresh fruit, cheese slices etc." he was very receptive to all of this and i felt like i had done that woman a big huge favor.
anyway, i'm sorry for the lack of support from him. i would recommend taking a couple of days off from complaining to him. just put on a fake smile and be easy to get along with on the surface, then once a couple days of that has passed write him a very nice letter that is very honest about just how terrible you are feeling- the same stuff you told us, but do it in a non attacking sort of way. just tell him how you feel. and we'll hope that gets through to him.
also, remember that your hormones are really wacked out right now so everything is made way worse because of that. you aren't crazy but you do need sleep, emotional support and someone else doing the house work and cooking. i would start ordering take out every night.
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#11 of 12 Old 01-27-2009, 02:23 AM
 
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You sound like you have SEVERE PPD with anxiety, and possibly intrusive thoughts. You need to get help SOON. Pretend you have pneumonia or a broken leg and call your doctor/midwife to be seen. Ideally, you'd be referred to someone who specializes in PPD.

Postpartum Support International has a good set of resources here:
http://postpartum.net/resources/

They have a toll free number you can call: 800.944.4PPD (4773) or you can contact the MA warmline (24 hours a day). Often, these are women who've been through severe PPD and come out on the other side and are donating their time. (I know the coordinator in HI, and she's great).

http://postpartum.net/local-support/?state=MA

MASSACHUSETTS STATE CO-COORDINATOR: LIZ TYLER, LICSW
PSI Massachusetts Warmline
1-866-472-1897

MASSACHUSETTS STATE CO-COORDINATOR: SUZAN WOLPOW
Telephone:
1-866-472-1897 Warmline
or 617-441-0758

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#12 of 12 Old 01-28-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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You know, I was the angriest at my DH after having baby #2. After #1, I felt like he was very excited and supportive and we all rallied together as a family, but after #2, that didn't happen so much. Plus, it's a very stressful time.

It got better, it really did, but it sucked in the beginning. We now have 3 kids and you know life isn't perfect or anything but it's more good than bad.

I wish I had suggestions, maybe just have faith that you will get through it, you are not alone (a good friend is very cranky with her DH after having #2 also) and you probably can and should talk with him about what you need and recommit to being a team as a family.

I was seriously worried for my marriage after DS2 arrived but it was very much part of the stress of the newborn phase. Right now my DS3 is almost 4 months and it's wonderful..... so hopefully in a few months things will be much better for you too.

Hugs and good luck!
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