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#1 of 11 Old 11-11-2009, 06:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I had severe PPD after the birth of my last child (DD, age 8). It was to the point of having thoughts of running away in the night and other extreme thoughts, although I never thoughts of harming the baby. I'm starting to have these thoughts again with this baby. My DD is 7 weeks old and she is such a good baby, nothing like DD 1 was, who was extremely high maintenance.

I feel like my life is over and I have nothing to look forward to. I feel trapped. I'm happy most of the daytime hours but at night when I'm alone with the baby I'm very sad and I get so resentful. I don't want to seem as though I regret the baby because I do not, but I feel like I've lost everything. I have all kinds of bad thoughts. I often dream of moving away and leaving everyone behind and not returning. I wish for my DD to grow up and be older already. At the same time I love and adore my baby. I actually had the thought of giving her up for adoption the other night. Who thinks things like that. I'm supposed to be the happy, doting, protective new mother, not someone who wants to harm her own child. I also thought about leaving the house and going to the car to sleep a few times at night and then I wouldn't hear her cry, but there's no way I'd ever really do that.

Add to all of this the fact that DH and I didn't plan this pregnancy. We were basically done with having children and neither wanted more. Our oldest is a teen and our youngest is 8. Life was easy, so easy. We could go on trips and do things on a whim, but not anymore. I didn't want to have another baby even after finding out I was pregnant this time around. In fact, it took me months to get used to the idea of being pregnant again. So that really makes me feel bad.

I feel so alone. I don't know anyone IRL with a baby right now. I'm 40 years old and my friends all have school age children and older. I feel really crazy having another baby at my age in the first place. Plus, I miss my older children. I feel like their lives are going to slip away and I won't be able to enjoy time with them now and only have time for the baby instead. I miss my other children but I'm just too drained to do much with them at this point. I'm just tired at this point from lack of sleep, too many stressors in my life with work, home schooling and other things, that it's all taking it's toll on me physically and emotionally.

I didn't seek help with my last child when I had the PPD, because I thought I was under stress and it would go away and so I didn't go on meds until she was 2 yrs old. I don't want to go on meds but wonder if I should do something right now so I don't get worse? or are the feelings I'm having not related to PPD and totally normal at this point?

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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#2 of 11 Old 11-11-2009, 10:03 PM
 
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By all means, get help!! You do not have to suffer like this - and yes it truly sounds like you are suffering. Even if you choose not to take meds, just therapy has been shown to help immensely. And it's not just you that will suffer. Your older children can see what's going on even if they aren't saying anything. Get some kind of help. You deserve to feel good.

If you were diabetic would you just put up with it? or would you treat it like the medical condition it is? the same applies here. your brain chemistry is out of whack and you need some help getting back to where it needs to be.

if you're not sure where to turn, try postpartum support international. They have some wonderful resources. At the minimum, call your CP for an appt and tell them what's going on. Tell your DH. He needs to know you need more support around the house. Support can make a huge difference.

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#3 of 11 Old 11-12-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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Please talk to someone about this--and if they aren't the right person talk to someone else. It does sound like PPD to me--it doesn't have to get any more extreme or painful to be an issue for you or treatable. You may need medication and/or counseling....but it will be worth it to find out what you need so that you can get to the place of enjoying having a newborn again--you and she are worth it!

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#4 of 11 Old 11-12-2009, 12:35 AM
 
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Yes mama, you should seek help! Talk to your midwife, or your ob. Find a therapist, and get on medication if you have to!

this is such a hard thing to deal with on top of everything else. I really hope you can get some help and things start to get better for you!
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#5 of 11 Old 11-12-2009, 12:42 AM
 
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The best thing I ever did was go to the Dr. to get meds for my ppd the worst thing was waiting till she was 3 months old to do so. If you catch it early then you can stop it before it gets horrible and recovery dosnt take nearly as long in my experiance. With ds I went right on meds and only had to take them for 3 months vs. the 18+ months with dd.

 
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#6 of 11 Old 11-12-2009, 04:48 AM
 
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I would get help if I were you, especially given your feelings about how this new baby fits into your life and that you experienced PPD in the past. Even if you don't choose to use meds, I think a good therapist could help you process what you are going through and help you navigate the changes in your life. It sounds like you need some support.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#7 of 11 Old 11-16-2009, 09:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone.

I took the quiz up on the sticky and got a score of 80. I do have a call in to my medical doctor. I don't want to go to my OB about it. My regular doc has always prescribed my A/Ds in the past.

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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#8 of 11 Old 11-16-2009, 05:44 PM
 
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I would try and find a recommendation for a psychiatrist, if it's covered by insurance, you really have nothing to lose. You might be lucky and find that your primary care doctor prescribes something and it works, but if it turns out to be more complex, a psychiatrist has more expertise in prescribing and alternative therapies too. I'll give you my personal example, I had to wait a while for an initial eval with a psychiatrist and in the mean time I got desparate and made a same day appointment with my doctor. I was in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy at the time

My doctor was very nice and understanding etc. she immediately started me on 50mg of Zoloft and some xanax as I was complaining a lot of anxiety. The definitely helped me get through the next couple of weeks until I saw the psychiatrist and she knew that.

When I saw the psychiatrist, she said that with the hemodilution of pregnancy 50mg of Zoloft wasn't likely to do anything, she put it up to 100 with a plan to go up in steps to 200. She took me off the xanax as apparently whilst helping with the anxiety, the zoloft should do that too and the xanax would drop my mood. She also put my on a prenatal with a different formulation of folic acid, apparently there is research that shows people with depression have altered metabolism of folic acid. She started me on vit D supplements. She also used other drugs to try and boost my mood quickly, though those didn't work out too well, but overall she had a lot more in her toolkit than my primary care doctor did.

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#9 of 11 Old 11-16-2009, 06:10 PM
 
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You've gotten some great replies...I just wanted to add that it WILL get better. I had horrible PPD after the birth of my dd over a year ago. I would seriously lay in bed at night and go over in my head who I trusted enough to give her to. When my dh would go to work in the morning I would fantasize about just leaving. I felt like all I did was care for the baby and my other kids were abandoned.

Fast forward to 14 months later...HUGE difference. I am finally feeling like myself again, and dd is fitting into our family so well. The older kids love her fiercely. When I think back to those early days, I wonder how I survived. Each hour literally felt like three days.

So anyway, I hope you get the help you need and that you start to feel better soon. Having a little baby is hard work, but it shouldn't feel like this. Best of luck, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

SAHM to Abraham (9) Gillian (5) Adrienne (3) and baby boy coming in October! 

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#10 of 11 Old 11-16-2009, 10:04 PM
 
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Darcytrue,

I really feel your pain and my heart goes out to you.
You said "I feel like my life is over and I have nothing to look forward to. I feel trapped".
This is such a hard place to be in. But I can relate as I too feel so much of what you described.

I am staying at home with my almost 5 month old daughter and am going through some serious PPD. So often I too just want to run away from it all. Pack up and start all over again. This is usually when I am feeling very low and am crying and can't get out of my own head.

I do think you should seek some help as you shouldn't be dealing with this alone. Even someone to listen to you. I am fortunate as there is a support group in my area for mothers with PPD. It is helpful to go and vent and not feel judged. Keep sharing here. I am finding it helpful to read what other mamas have to say.

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#11 of 11 Old 11-17-2009, 12:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolyn R View Post
You've gotten some great replies...I just wanted to add that it WILL get better. I had horrible PPD after the birth of my dd over a year ago. I would seriously lay in bed at night and go over in my head who I trusted enough to give her to. When my dh would go to work in the morning I would fantasize about just leaving. I felt like all I did was care for the baby and my other kids were abandoned.
you totally described how I feel sometimes and it's almost always at night.
Quote:
Originally Posted by agoldenlife
I am staying at home with my almost 5 month old daughter and am going through some serious PPD. So often I too just want to run away from it all. Pack up and start all over again. This is usually when I am feeling very low and am crying and can't get out of my own head.
I'm sorry that you are going through this too.

I have an appt set with my family doctor. I know he'll prescribe me something. I really don't want to try and make an appt with someone to go talk to just yet. If DH finds out I'm going to my doctor to seek A/D meds he will likely say something and it will make me feel bad. He just doesn't understand. He didn't understand after our last child was born and it really hasn't changed. He just thinks I can turn off the way I feel and start to appreciate what I have in life and get over it and unfortunately, it's just not that easy. If he understood more what I go through it would be easier.

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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