do I have PPD or am I just selfish? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 11-12-2009, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I'm never happy anymore. I stay at home with my two girls, and I love being a mom - but I don't think I realized how much sacrifice came with staying at home with my girls. I am always fighting for time for myself - and I feel like I never get more than a minute or two. I am always frustrated and irritable, and I feel like a bad mom.

I used to be a painter, and now I feel like no one sees me as anything more than my kid's mom. My DH is supportive, but I think he must be disappointed in me. We both wanted a family, we wanted me to stay home, but I don't love it like I thought I would. It seems unfair to him for me to change my mind now.

I know a lot of this is normal frustration for mothers. but could it be PPD? I took the quiz listed in the sticky and got a 37.

I don't have thoughts about hurting my children or leaving, but I do feel desperately lonely and tired and constantly frustrated. I don't sleep well (even though my 5 mo is sleeping through the night mostly), I have little desire for sex, I'm obsessed with my "work" (which is my etsy shop - that I try to pretend is a big business, even though it really isn't), and I just can't seem to keep up with basic things like cleaning and cooking.

I don't have a regular doctor. I had excellent midwives, who do well-woman care. Does this count as well woman care? I feel weird about making an appointment with my mw because last time I was there for my check up, I was talking about how great we're all doing.

Mama to two little ones,

& one in heaven

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#2 of 19 Old 11-12-2009, 06:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know my symptoms aren't as severe as some. But still, I want to feel happy.

I'm reading the long thread about natural PPD treatment, and I'm planning to go to make a trip to my vitamin place tomorrow...

Mama to two little ones,

& one in heaven

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#3 of 19 Old 11-12-2009, 06:59 PM
 
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PPD depression can sneak up on you, even at 5 months PP. I have a six month old and a 3 year old and I am just now starting to feel like I am slipping into a mindframe that is not healthy. With DD1 I had PPD bad but it presented itself as anxiety...I all but became agorophobic and I vividly remember the first time we took DD out to eat (8 weeks old) and I just sobbed the entire way home as I had convinced myself that I had somehow abused her by doing this.
This time around I am just starting to have some really irrational fears about my death and feel like I am going to die very soon (irrational yes, but the thoughts just pop in). I will go outside and feel like someone is going to shoot me.... ...I know it's stupid. But this anxiety is just getting to me and I am not processing it so well.

Aside from that, I understand what you mean by losing yourself. I work full time so it is easier for me to have "me" time and set my mind to doing something that I love.

When I am home alone with them on the weekends or nights that my DH works I make sure to stay on a schedule (wake up, breakfast, dress, go or do something fun and crafty like paint pottery, come home, nap, I then do whatever I want to do, etc, etc...which helps me fit time in for me and keeps me from being frustrated and irritable. I also take time to schedule house cleaning because if my house is not spotless and organized, I cannot do a thing...thankfully my 3 year old Virgo likes order as well so we make sure to get things clean and tidy on the evenings so we are mentally free to do other things without focusing on the mess.
How old is your oldest? PM me if you want...I'm at work so trying to get out all I want to say is difficult when I am on a time constraint

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
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#4 of 19 Old 11-14-2009, 11:41 PM
 
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I can relate to so much of what you are saying.
I am staying at home with my 4.5 mo. old daughter and have been dealing with PPD for the last few months. So often I too find myself struggling to be 'happy'.

I too never imagined what a sacrifice it would be to stay at home. I also very often find myself feeling irritable and frustrated. I do know alot of this is the PPD but I also miss 'some' of my free time to do things for myself. I think this is a normal way to feel and we need not be feeling guilty about this. It's completely understandable that one would feel this way seeing how self sacrificial mothering can be.

So I am finally realizing how important this is and am trying to find ways to have a little time for me. It is very hard as there is so much that needs to be done. But I know this will benefit my family.

Congrats to you for taking care of you. Your children will love you for it as this will make for a happier and healthier mom

~ ~
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#5 of 19 Old 11-15-2009, 08:43 PM
 
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I think that making an appt with your midwife sounds like a good idea. Whether you have ppd or not, taking steps for self care is definitely in order. Vitamins, like you said, but also regular exercise, light, personal time for relaxation/meditation...

I have had full blown ppd but since then I sometimes get lesser symptoms creeping up on me. It sounds like it might be similar to what you're going through? I can basically get through the day but I'm unhappy, can't get a whole lot done, unmotivated, etc. Since I already had more severe depression, I can recognize that it feels the same, just on a smaller scale. So I treat it basically the same way.

Do you think you could find enjoyment in things you used to do or not? If you could, I would say make it a priority in your family for you to spend an hour a day doing something that you love. Painting? Yoga? Working on your Etsy shop undisturbed by children?
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#6 of 19 Old 11-16-2009, 12:26 AM
 
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K-mom3, I agree with what you are saying. I think that talking to some one is always so helpful.
Wilson you wrote: I feel weird about making an appointment with my mw because last time I was there for my check up, I was talking about how great we're all doing. Excellent midwifes (like yours and mine) are aware that things change and life with baby can be very difficult and this very often includes ppd or other various hardships. You should definitely feel comfortable seeing them for your care and especially with all that you are going through right now. You will not be judged.
I often have such a hard time sharing with people that I am suffering from PPD as this time with new baby is supposed to be the most joyous, happy, etc. And our society places so much pressure on us to have this time be perfect and happy. If it's anything else, we might be viewed as incompetent or unloving mothers.
Lastly, I think it is so so necessary to take care of your needs. Sounds like for you this means having your creative outlet, it's important to you and should be one of your priorities.
For me, I am FINALLY learning to reprioritze and realizing that there will always be things that will need to be done around the house. My house pre-baby used to be spotless and I had time to create and read. These things are still very important to me and sustain me in ways that a clean house can not. Now I just can't do it all and must let some things go. When my DD naps I try to use this time to nourish me or otherwise, as I am learning that if I don't, I tend to be more angry and bitter.
This is all so often easier said than done but I am trying.
I hope this helps some.

~ ~
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#7 of 19 Old 11-16-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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You aren't selfish. I feel much the way you do most days. s

Something that helps me is to get time alone "outside" the house. I get DH to stay with the kids while I go out either totally alone or I take my 8 yr old DD with me. I feel so free when I do this, even for just a couple of hours. Sometimes I dread coming back home and other times I look forward to going back home. I hope to go on meds very soon.

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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#8 of 19 Old 11-18-2009, 08:32 PM
 
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I don't have time to read the other replies...

But I couldn't read your post and not reply. You sound just like me when my son was 8 months old. I finally made an appointment with a counselor and my exact quote was..."Is is PPD or am I just a bad mom?"

You aren't selfish. (And I wasn't a bad mom.) I can't speak for you, but I was suffering from severe PPD.

Natural remedies can help, but please see your midwife or another professional! You will feel better.
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#9 of 19 Old 11-19-2009, 01:34 PM
 
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I just went to my doc yesterday! She said I have severe PPD. She asked how I managed so long, ds is 8.5 months, without getting help. I feel so much better just saying it out loud. I started my road to the real me. So excited!
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#10 of 19 Old 11-19-2009, 01:49 PM
 
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Parenting young children is HARD!! I don't even know how I'd manage now if my kids weren't bigger and more independent. I can safely go to my room and read for an hour and leave my kids to fend for themselves in the living room. Then I come out and have more reserves for dealing with the housework, helping with homework, "teaching" DS, etc. Plus, on a really bad day, I can say "DS, could you please switch the laundry for me?" and he's capable of doing so. Either one of the girls can make dinner, DD2 regularly declutters and re-organizes the living room- I'm doing a heck of a lot of work, but I'm not doing EVERYTHING alone.

I'm not sure how old your older child is, but I'm guessing she's still a toddler or preschooler- not old enough to help with housework in any meaningful way (generally in a way that she has a blast but makes more work for you) and you can't safely leave her alone with the baby while you take a breather.

In pre-industrual times, women were not left on their own with babies. It was always a group of women with a group of babies and kids- and new moms could get a break, recharge herself, then watch somebody else's kids while the other mom took a break. It's not "normal or natural" to be an isolated SAHM, and this "un-natural" state often leads to PPD.

I would definitely take a look at some books or websites with information on nutrition and mood. Pregnancy and nursing are very draining on your body, and depression is one sign of being "drained." Some vitamins, minerals, and EFAs might turn your whole mood and health around. Or you might need something more, and having a health care professional check you out, maybe run a few blood tests, can help pinpoint the problem faster.

Going to the midwives you saw for pregnancy and postpartum care makes the most sense, since you already have a relationship with them. If you need more care than they can give, they'll refer you to the appropriate person.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#11 of 19 Old 11-22-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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OP-I am in a similar place right now. I made an appt with my nurse practitioner but I am afraid that I will not be taken seriously. BTW I scored an 80 on the 'test', granted I was in a horrible frame of mind when I answered the questions. I work and there is a horrible attitude at work-every man for himself-we are mostly women, many with small children. So even though I get out of the house, I dread going in to work and I have so little time for ME between working long hours and missing my kids. Wow, I am making little sense of things.

We create our own reality.
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#12 of 19 Old 12-04-2009, 02:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post
You aren't selfish. I feel much the way you do most days. s

Something that helps me is to get time alone "outside" the house. I get DH to stay with the kids while I go out either totally alone or I take my 8 yr old DD with me. I feel so free when I do this, even for just a couple of hours. Sometimes I dread coming back home and other times I look forward to going back home. I hope to go on meds very soon.
This sums it up pretty nicely.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#13 of 19 Old 12-04-2009, 02:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
Parenting young children is HARD!! I don't even know how I'd manage now if my kids weren't bigger and more independent. I can safely go to my room and read for an hour and leave my kids to fend for themselves in the living room. Then I come out and have more reserves for dealing with the housework, helping with homework, "teaching" DS, etc. Plus, on a really bad day, I can say "DS, could you please switch the laundry for me?" and he's capable of doing so. Either one of the girls can make dinner, DD2 regularly declutters and re-organizes the living room- I'm doing a heck of a lot of work, but I'm not doing EVERYTHING alone.

I'm not sure how old your older child is, but I'm guessing she's still a toddler or preschooler- not old enough to help with housework in any meaningful way (generally in a way that she has a blast but makes more work for you) and you can't safely leave her alone with the baby while you take a breather.

In pre-industrual times, women were not left on their own with babies. It was always a group of women with a group of babies and kids- and new moms could get a break, recharge herself, then watch somebody else's kids while the other mom took a break. It's not "normal or natural" to be an isolated SAHM, and this "un-natural" state often leads to PPD.

I would definitely take a look at some books or websites with information on nutrition and mood. Pregnancy and nursing are very draining on your body, and depression is one sign of being "drained." Some vitamins, minerals, and EFAs might turn your whole mood and health around. Or you might need something more, and having a health care professional check you out, maybe run a few blood tests, can help pinpoint the problem faster.

Going to the midwives you saw for pregnancy and postpartum care makes the most sense, since you already have a relationship with them. If you need more care than they can give, they'll refer you to the appropriate person.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#14 of 19 Old 12-04-2009, 03:59 AM
 
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Wilson, I am a mother of a 4months old baby boy. I have PPD. The day after I gave birth to my son, I started to cry every afternoon about 6-7pm.I know I love him, but I have through this is so hard, maybe I should give him a way, I can't take this anymore. But I didn't, I know what was just a silly through. oneday I have a check up with my doctor, she gave me a test for PPD. then I answer the test, she told me I have PPS. then I seen the counselor, And at the same time I am taking ZOO Loft. Before the medicine work. I remember I ask my husband every day, "if I become crazy, would you still take care of my son? will you take my son to see me?" I had all selfish through before, and I don't like any body around me. I didn't smile to my parents in law for a month and half. I just don't feel like it.

I hold my son to sleep, eat, Chang diaper. I feel like every body trying to take him from me. I means I can't believe what my mind has been thought. Why I feel that way, I don't know, But I guess that is PPD.

Please go see a doctor while you feeling it. Help is a relief.
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#15 of 19 Old 12-04-2009, 04:08 AM
 
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by they way, I am the happies mom in the world. I enjoy my son's smile, The hard time is over, now is the good time.
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#16 of 19 Old 12-15-2009, 04:42 PM
 
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Sorry, no advice. Just wanted to tell you I could have written your post. I also have 2 kids, and I feel at my wits end.


Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
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#17 of 19 Old 12-15-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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I'm afraid I'll be here in 7 months. I'm currently pregnant with #2, and I had a really hard time the first few months after DD was born. In the first few weeks, I thought about how blissful it would be just to get hit by a bus so that I could convalesce in a hospital for months. And now I'm going to have another infant and a challenging toddler?! At least I'll recognize it for what it is this time. It never even occurred to me with DD that I had PPD.

And as for feeling like you've lost yourself, I often feel that way, too. I go to work and I come home to be a mother. That's it. I console myself with the fact that this is a phase in my life. I hope.

Amy (34): mommy to DD1 (11/07) and DD2 (7/10), wife, wohm, and wannabe suburban homesteader.
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#18 of 19 Old 12-16-2009, 01:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AmyKT View Post
I'm afraid I'll be here in 7 months. I'm currently pregnant with #2, and I had a really hard time the first few months after DD was born. In the first few weeks, I thought about how blissful it would be just to get hit by a bus so that I could convalesce in a hospital for months. And now I'm going to have another infant and a challenging toddler?! At least I'll recognize it for what it is this time. It never even occurred to me with DD that I had PPD.

And as for feeling like you've lost yourself, I often feel that way, too. I go to work and I come home to be a mother. That's it. I console myself with the fact that this is a phase in my life. I hope.
I had a meltdown today when dh came home. Basically I really feel like I have lost myself, wondering who I am and what I am doing?
On good days, I realize that I am doing an important job of raising my dd. I too know that this is a phase and that I will someday again be able to do the many things that are also important to me. On the not so good days I just can't believe how much sacrifice being a mama entails.

I love my dd and am able to enjoy so much of the time that I spend with her. But there are also the adult aspirations that are so strong and continue to call out to me.

I have hope that as time passes and my PPD disappears, I will get more comfortable in my new role as a mother, and will achieve some balance that will allow for me to pursue my other goals.

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#19 of 19 Old 12-16-2009, 04:14 AM
 
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my thoughts and feelings are represented in many of the previous posts.

i think i am suffering from mild to moderate PPD, but am not so sure as I have yet to be evaluated. i have an appt in a couple of weeks for a regular physical and will bring it up then, hoping they can do something. Also, i read some of the post about inositol and ordered some today and I'm hoping it makes a difference so I don't have to go on zoloft or some other anti-depressent, as i prefer not to.

i had no problems with my first child. felt wonderful and fulfilled the whole time. the last month or so though, with my second one, i've felt frustrated, unmotivated, tired, unsupported, overwhelmed, guilty and have been disappointed in my own mothering. it wasn't until the last few days that i realized i may have PPD. i took the quiz and i got something in the 50s. anyway, what i'm trying to say is that adjusting to having a second child was much more difficult than i realized and i am surprised that i'd be having these feelings with #2 when I didn't have them with #1.

i feel like someone needs something ALL OF THE TIME and just when i feel like i got one thing under control (cooking a meal, laundry, feeding someone, dressing someone etc), then 10 other things get out of control. it's so frustrating. i feel like i'm always under a mountain of stuff to do and no time to do it AND keep my kids happy, healthy, stimulated, engaged and all that stuff that I want to be able to do!

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