I've been a member of MDC for a long time, and have posted here before. For this thread however I needed more anonymity so I created a new username.
Background:
My now ex BF and I have not been getting along well since the baby was born. His mother stays with us during the week to babysit, despite me not wanting her too. I do not get along with her.
What happened this week:
On Wednesday my ex BF, his mom, and I got into a huge fight. We fought a little, so I left the room and got on my computer to chill out (ex BF was playing with the baby). My BF followed me into the other room and started telling me that I don't do anything, that I'm like dealing with a 13yr old girl, that I shouldn't be taking leisure time while the baby is awake - that I should be doing laundry or dishes or cleaning something, that I'm immature, etc.
I did not respond to him. I was done talking to him. Then it came time for the baby (10mo) to go to sleep. He wanted to nurse to sleep, but I couldn't do it. I just could not nurse him to sleep. I needed my space. Well, that set ex BF off again. And his mother. Who said to me, "This conversation is between you and Will, but you really should think about this......etc." Then, I said, "I'm weaning the baby, weaning works by not nursing him. I'm weaning him, therefore ex BF can put him to bed" She responded, "I'm going to call CPS on you, you can't do that cold turkey"
I LOST it. I started yelling at her (she was holding the baby), I told her to get the HE!! out of my house, that I didn't ever want to see her again, I called her a *itch. It was bad. It hasn't happened that badly before. I have a temper, and when I'm my normal self (which is never going to happen again, my old self is GONE since this baby was born) I can control it. Right now though, I can't. I cannot deal with things. AT ALL.
Anyway, so fast forward to Thursday morning, I drop ex BF at school, then park the car. He comes to me a few hours later and says he needs the car keys so that he can get something out of the car.
What did he REALLY do? Took the baby to the dr (he's had a bad cold, which is now the flu) WITHOUT telling me!!!! And told the pediatrician what happened the night before (I'm sure making me look WAY worse than what actually happened), and the ped called CPS.
So the CPS person shows up last night (after I have spent the better part of 24hours crying b/c my life has gone to he!!), and I blew it with her too. I didn't sign releases so that she could call my dr's, I told her that if she was going to take my son away that she should just do it rather than drag it out. It feels like everything is working against me and my life is just a complete failure.
On wednesday I said a lot of things that I don't mean. Like, I wish I had an abortion (sometimes I do), I wish I gave up the baby, I don't want him, I hate being a mother, etc.
I can't undo it now. And now my ex BF is trying to take him away from me. I've been told that I can't be with my son alone. AT ALL. My ex BF says that he did this to force me to get the right help (I'm on meds, and I have a therapist but its not working) and that he wants joint custody eventually (right now we live together - we just broke up Wednesday night).
My life has been destroyed. I'm a law student. I'm never going to be admitted to the bar now. EVER. I can't imagine getting admitted to the bar with a CPS record. I was going to transfer schools after my first year and go back towards home, but then I was pregnant. I didn't get an abortion b/c my ex BF wanted me to keep the baby. I tore so badly after the birth that I was in sever, debilitating pain for 12 weeks after the birth. I'm not graduating on time b/c of the baby, I don't get to move home after school ends b/c of the baby (I live in NYC now, but I'm from Seattle).
What do I do now??? I hate my life. I don't like being a mother (I love my baby and I would never hurt him, but being a mother is too hard right now). I only have stressors in my life, and no stress relievers. I hate living in NYC, I hate all the crowds I hate all the noise. I'm so tired of all of this. I can't deal with it anymore. I just want to go home.
HELP!!! I'm heading over to FYT to see if anyone knows of some good ppd therapists in my area.
(so sorry this is so long, if you read the whole thing you are a saint)
Background:
My now ex BF and I have not been getting along well since the baby was born. His mother stays with us during the week to babysit, despite me not wanting her too. I do not get along with her.
What happened this week:
On Wednesday my ex BF, his mom, and I got into a huge fight. We fought a little, so I left the room and got on my computer to chill out (ex BF was playing with the baby). My BF followed me into the other room and started telling me that I don't do anything, that I'm like dealing with a 13yr old girl, that I shouldn't be taking leisure time while the baby is awake - that I should be doing laundry or dishes or cleaning something, that I'm immature, etc.
I did not respond to him. I was done talking to him. Then it came time for the baby (10mo) to go to sleep. He wanted to nurse to sleep, but I couldn't do it. I just could not nurse him to sleep. I needed my space. Well, that set ex BF off again. And his mother. Who said to me, "This conversation is between you and Will, but you really should think about this......etc." Then, I said, "I'm weaning the baby, weaning works by not nursing him. I'm weaning him, therefore ex BF can put him to bed" She responded, "I'm going to call CPS on you, you can't do that cold turkey"
I LOST it. I started yelling at her (she was holding the baby), I told her to get the HE!! out of my house, that I didn't ever want to see her again, I called her a *itch. It was bad. It hasn't happened that badly before. I have a temper, and when I'm my normal self (which is never going to happen again, my old self is GONE since this baby was born) I can control it. Right now though, I can't. I cannot deal with things. AT ALL.
Anyway, so fast forward to Thursday morning, I drop ex BF at school, then park the car. He comes to me a few hours later and says he needs the car keys so that he can get something out of the car.
What did he REALLY do? Took the baby to the dr (he's had a bad cold, which is now the flu) WITHOUT telling me!!!! And told the pediatrician what happened the night before (I'm sure making me look WAY worse than what actually happened), and the ped called CPS.
So the CPS person shows up last night (after I have spent the better part of 24hours crying b/c my life has gone to he!!), and I blew it with her too. I didn't sign releases so that she could call my dr's, I told her that if she was going to take my son away that she should just do it rather than drag it out. It feels like everything is working against me and my life is just a complete failure.
On wednesday I said a lot of things that I don't mean. Like, I wish I had an abortion (sometimes I do), I wish I gave up the baby, I don't want him, I hate being a mother, etc.
I can't undo it now. And now my ex BF is trying to take him away from me. I've been told that I can't be with my son alone. AT ALL. My ex BF says that he did this to force me to get the right help (I'm on meds, and I have a therapist but its not working) and that he wants joint custody eventually (right now we live together - we just broke up Wednesday night).
My life has been destroyed. I'm a law student. I'm never going to be admitted to the bar now. EVER. I can't imagine getting admitted to the bar with a CPS record. I was going to transfer schools after my first year and go back towards home, but then I was pregnant. I didn't get an abortion b/c my ex BF wanted me to keep the baby. I tore so badly after the birth that I was in sever, debilitating pain for 12 weeks after the birth. I'm not graduating on time b/c of the baby, I don't get to move home after school ends b/c of the baby (I live in NYC now, but I'm from Seattle).
What do I do now??? I hate my life. I don't like being a mother (I love my baby and I would never hurt him, but being a mother is too hard right now). I only have stressors in my life, and no stress relievers. I hate living in NYC, I hate all the crowds I hate all the noise. I'm so tired of all of this. I can't deal with it anymore. I just want to go home.
HELP!!! I'm heading over to FYT to see if anyone knows of some good ppd therapists in my area.
(so sorry this is so long, if you read the whole thing you are a saint)