PPD and CPS - BIG UPDATE post 156 - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 164 Old 12-04-2009, 08:36 PM
 
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Make sure you get first right of refusal put in your paperwork so he can't just dump the baby on his mother when he has his visitation.

Wife to a great DH, SAHM to 3 great kids
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#122 of 164 Old 12-04-2009, 08:54 PM
 
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I agree with the others. Go to court and get everything in writing. He doesn't sound reasonable considering he tried to gaslight you and take the baby completely. His threats of giving your baby to his mother are absolutely a reason to be very wary of him. Give him as little as you can and get finished with school and then, you can come from a place of more power. Until you realize your rights and take all the power you actually have,, he's going to run all over you. It sounds like they never expected for you to come out swinging like you did. His mom looking like she's going to puke is probably her regret at not realizing how powerful you really are and having pushed you to the point where she now realizes that she cut off her own nose. While trying to bully you and take your son, she actually caused you to cut her out and she's probably scared that she won't have access to her grandson anymore.

It sounds like maybe you didn't even have PPD, but just a very real situation of being bullied while in such a vulnerable position (new mom). I'm so glad you've woken up and changed the situation.

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#123 of 164 Old 12-04-2009, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Not settle out of court and not have anything legal - just negotiate an agreement and then have it ordered by the court. I think I am going to go for full custody if we go to trial.

I'm starting to get nervous though - I haven't heard from him in a few days.
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#124 of 164 Old 12-04-2009, 09:43 PM
 
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Why would that make you nervous? Are you thinking he's up to something? Maybe he's just an "out of sight out of mind" person. He may be intimidated because of what he's done to you and the fact that you've now got your mother there...you're not alone and powerless anymore.

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#125 of 164 Old 12-04-2009, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He might be up to something.

But he's most definitely intimidated b/c my mom is here. He doesn't like that she's in the apartment, and he was shocked that she didn't want to talk to him when she got here last week.

I don't know, I feel bad that the baby hasn't seen him too - he knows who dad is and recognizes dad's face in pictures. Every time he see's a picture of his daddy he gets really excited and starts laughing. It's adorable.

I am SO glad that he's not staying with me anymore - I just LOVE having the apartment to myself and my mom and the baby. It's so peaceful, and I'm having SO MUCH FUN with my baby. It's crazy - I haven't been this relaxed and happy about the baby since he was born. He's really just delightful and so much fun to play with all day.

The CPS social worker is coming by again next week to follow up - so she'll see how we've been doing alone without xBF. I spoke to her today and told her that xBF is refusing to pay his half of the rent (unless he paid without me knowing), and hasn't contributed anything (unless you count 3 jars of babyfood) since Thanksgiving. We even had to order more diapers online since we can't really take a taxi anywhere (no carseat) and carrying a box of diapers a mile isn't very fun. I really hope I get at least temporary custody until everything gets sorted out when we go to the hearing on 12/22.
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#126 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 02:38 AM
 
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I spoke to her today and told her that xBF is refusing to pay his half of the rent (unless he paid without me knowing), and hasn't contributed anything (unless you count 3 jars of babyfood) since Thanksgiving. We even had to order more diapers online since we can't really take a taxi anywhere (no carseat) and carrying a box of diapers a mile isn't very fun. I really hope I get at least temporary custody until everything gets sorted out when we go to the hearing on 12/22.
Ugh, I cannot stand to hear that a father is not giving towards his child. If he doesn't want to give you money he could at least buy some diapers and food.

And yes, some men do go for custody only to get out of paying child support, nice huh ? I really, really hope that's not the case.
Don't be nervous, you are doing GREAT!

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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#127 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 04:06 AM
 
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Sounds like you are doing great -
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#128 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 04:16 AM
 
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Make sure you get first right of refusal put in your paperwork so he can't just dump the baby on his mother when he has his visitation.
NEEDS to be emphasized!!!!!!!!!!
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#129 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 08:00 AM
 
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Big hugs to you. I just read this story through, and my hunch from the beginning was that BF's being clearly abusive (he was) was making it hard to take care of your son, more than anything. I recognize that feeling of "can't nurse" after a fight, when being on the wrong end of verbal abuse (Is there a right end? That came out wrong, but you know what I mean!). I needed to lock DH out of the room sometimes to nurse when he was at his worse. My feeling was if you could get some space fom x-bf, you'd end up loving motherhood a lot more.

The fact that you did- it was him, not you. Yes, you had/have PPD, but is it PPD, or a normal reaction to being abused?

If you haven't, take the time to eduate yourself on abuse, especially verbal/mental. It will explain a lot.

BTW, DH is a terrific father too. But for the sake of MY parenting, he had to lose a lot of his abusive behaviors for us to stay together. I could not be an effective parent and be on the receiving end of denigrations about me. It was so devastating, I could not respond to others needs- the other being my son.

I remember being about to lose it, after one of those "cut the wife down" sessions, where he went "animal" on me, raging, and leaving DS with DH. He wrote his best friend about it, implying I was being abusive. Luckily, his best friend wrote back saying, "She's not being abusive. The baby was with his FATHER!". (I think DH prinnted it out, or left up on the screen- I don't remember how I got to see that.)

Reminds me of the initial drama, and I thought you might like his best friend;'s reaction, too.
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#130 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 09:54 AM
 
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It sounds like maybe you didn't even have PPD, but just a very real situation of being bullied while in such a vulnerable position (new mom). I'm so glad you've woken up and changed the situation.
I agree with this completely. From what I remember in posts in the past, he was making motherhood absolutly unbearable for you! NO wonder you were miserable. I hope things conintue going this posatively for you, especially through the holidays. Your son deserves to see his mama happy. And I am so relived to read that she is FINALLY happy!
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#131 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I'm finally happy. It's a WONDERFUL feeling. Since xBF moved out I have LOVED being mommy to my baby, and I finally feel like I was MEANT to be a mommy. It's the BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD!!!!!!

I love my baby so much, its absolutely ridiculous.

He is gone for the night though with his daddy, so we're going to Manhattan to scope out Macys (I want to take baby there to get his first Santa picture!!).

I have really bad separation anxiety though, and this is only the second night I've been away from my baby his whole life
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#132 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 01:19 PM
 
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Yes, I'm finally happy. It's a WONDERFUL feeling. Since xBF moved out I have LOVED being mommy to my baby, and I finally feel like I was MEANT to be a mommy. It's the BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD!!!!!!

I love my baby so much, its absolutely ridiculous.

He is gone for the night though with his daddy, so we're going to Manhattan to scope out Macys (I want to take baby there to get his first Santa picture!!).

I have really bad separation anxiety though, and this is only the second night I've been away from my baby his whole life
Overnight? What happened? No judge would consider overnights in a baby this young! I would be freaking out too mama. I am glad your moms there and things are coming to light but please do not let him take the baby at this point! He can visit the baby in your home with your mother there or in a public place with you there but do not leave him leave with the baby. It doesn't matter that he can't move the baby from his residence, its just a court motion away to change that claiming more abuse or something while he has the baby or he could up and disappear with baby. I don't mean to scare you but this is a very real risk, especially when he has told you he will take the baby and give it to his mother. Parents can and do abduct there children on a regular basis

Seriously?
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#133 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 02:22 PM
 
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I just read through - what a tale. You've come such a long way in such a short time, OP! Anyone would have been depressed, living with a guy like that (sounds a lot like my ex and it is indeed depressing), never mind his crazy mother! Too much to bear, especially with not sleeping and caring for a new baby.

Going through the huge CPS hurdle while already dealing with all that must have at first seemed a terrible thing, but I love that ultimately, it meant that your ex and his mother kicked themselves in the arse! and it freed you from a terrible situation! So much better than if things had dragged on with them any longer.

Like the PP said, though, I would be more cautious about letting your ex take the baby before you have your court date. I don't think it's a good idea, before you have anything on paper. Plus it sets a precedent before you get to court - you can't tall a judge you don't feel comfortable with the baby being away overnight, or whatever, if you voluntarily already let the ex - know what I mean? Plus, if he hadn't seen the baby for a couple weeks or whatever, I think it's better to ease the baby into a long visit like that. Not criticizing - just a call to keep an eye out for anything your ex may pull because he's very, very manipulative.

The good news is that NY, compared to some states, is "old-fashioned" in that 50/50 joint physical custody is not automatic, thank God.

You've come a long way, and way to "come out swinging" like a PP said... I think it's awesome that you turned it around and showed them what's what!
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#134 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 02:23 PM
 
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I wouldn't let him go for any more overnights either. The court will consider it a precedent for determining visitation in the future. I thought the court order said he had to live at your address? I know an overnight isn't moving him, but I think it could be interpreted to mean all nights spent at home.
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#135 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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I wouldn't let him go for any more overnights either. The court will consider it a precedent for determining visitation in the future. I thought the court order said he had to live at your address? I know an overnight isn't moving him, but I think it could be interpreted to mean all nights spent at home.
This. OP you are being WAY too nice. I am all for a child having a relationship with his father and your X can see his baby all he wants WITHOUT taking him overnight. Bad, bad idea. He has proven that he cannot be trusted AT ALL. You also don't trust him mother right? But now your son is effectively with that woman for 24 hours without your supervision.

As PP said, it sets a precedent. Most courts will not let a nursing infant do overnights this young. I would be extremely worried about abduction as well. Heck, I'm worried for you.

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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#136 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 04:52 PM
 
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He is gone for the night though with his daddy, so we're going to Manhattan to scope out Macys (I want to take baby there to get his first Santa picture!!).
Did your mom think this was a good idea? Being without the baby overnight?

I can't help but think the worst, that he has been playing you YET again, manipulation seems to be his game. Please come back and tell us baby is back and everything is alright, and that you won't let him take the baby again. I bet baby cried all night long for his mama. Please don't feel guilt but just think about why in the world you allowed this to happen. I mean, who cares about being nice to your ex? He certainly spends no time being nice to you, right?

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I have really bad separation anxiety though, and this is only the second night I've been away from my baby his whole life
Please trust your mama instinct. If it feels bad, it is bad. There's no reason for you to be away from your baby overnight, in fact, it might be harmful for your baby, unnecessary stress. My babies were fine to sleep in a new place for a night, IF and ONLY if I were there, cuddling them all night long and boy oh boy, they would nurse for comfort double time to cope with the change.
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#137 of 164 Old 12-05-2009, 07:42 PM
 
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even if he gets joint custody you will have sole physical so he doesn't get out of paying anything...

 Mom of many minions . . . babyf.gif jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif
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#138 of 164 Old 12-06-2009, 05:17 PM
 
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I agree with the others. Go to court and get everything in writing. He doesn't sound reasonable considering he tried to gaslight you and take the baby completely. His threats of giving your baby to his mother are absolutely a reason to be very wary of him. Give him as little as you can and get finished with school and then, you can come from a place of more power. Until you realize your rights and take all the power you actually have,, he's going to run all over you. It sounds like they never expected for you to come out swinging like you did. His mom looking like she's going to puke is probably her regret at not realizing how powerful you really are and having pushed you to the point where she now realizes that she cut off her own nose. While trying to bully you and take your son, she actually caused you to cut her out and she's probably scared that she won't have access to her grandson anymore.

It sounds like maybe you didn't even have PPD, but just a very real situation of being bullied while in such a vulnerable position (new mom). I'm so glad you've woken up and changed the situation.
I was thinking that it was less PPD and more Post traumatic stress disorder this mama was under.

Gaslighting is NO joke. It is a severe form of pyschological abuse. People who have sociopathetic tendencies are very smooth and charming to those who they want to fool (friends and strangers), and vicious and deliberately psychopathic to those they want to harm/control (you).

You may want to read about the Profile of the Sociopath

Good luck.

Mama of 3 girls: 7.5 , 6 , and 4.5
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#139 of 164 Old 12-07-2009, 02:50 PM
 
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Guestmama, I am dying to hear that your son made it home and you and him are back together again. PLEASE!!?!?!?!?!
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#140 of 164 Old 12-07-2009, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, he is home. He is happy, healthy and hilariously funny.

We went to Macy's this morning to get santa pictures and they turned out really good!

I also read a letter from xBF's lawyer to my lawyer - the jerk is LYING to his lawyer!!!! He is taking EVERYTHING I said out of context! Good thing I have it all on tape.
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#141 of 164 Old 12-07-2009, 06:13 PM
 
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Yes, he is home. He is happy, healthy and hilariously funny.

We went to Macy's this morning to get santa pictures and they turned out really good!

I also read a letter from xBF's lawyer to my lawyer - the jerk is LYING to his lawyer!!!! He is taking EVERYTHING I said out of context! Good thing I have it all on tape.
Mama, of course he's going to lie. He wants custody! The niceties are over and the fight is on . Please heed the good advice given by the ladies in this thread, they have BTDT. I'm sure your lawyer is also giving you the same advice as well.

Document everything. All the times he visits or doesn't. When he gives money or how long he goes without giving anything. Document ANYTHING pertinent to the care of your son and relevant to your court case. Don't rely on your memory. Remember, this is not about trying to separate your son from his Dad, it really isn't. It's about who your son is going to live with and who is going to make legal decisions for him.

Yay for Santa pics!

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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#142 of 164 Old 12-07-2009, 07:02 PM
 
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I just stumbled upon this thread and while I have nothing to add I just wanted you to know there was one more person out there sending you lots of good vibes of strength and serenity.. you are doing a great job

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#143 of 164 Old 12-08-2009, 10:54 AM
 
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It sounds like you're doing great, Mama! I'm happy that things are working out better for you. I also agree with everyone else. Don't let him take your breastfed baby overnight anymore!

Wife to DH and Mommy to DS(2 yrs) : : : :
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#144 of 164 Old 12-08-2009, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, another update.

I wasn't too worried about overnights - the last one went very well.

NOW though, I'm VERY worried about overnights. The CPS social worker came back tonight - baby was in a GREAT mood, and was laughing and playing with me. We had a good time while she was here. She asked more questions, talk to me some more about how things are going.

She also told me that she got an email from someone (she can't say who of course) telling her to investigate whether or not I'm hitting the baby. Umm...NO I'M NOT. Thankfully she seemed to think it was a ridiculous allegation, and the baby only has a small bruise on his head from falling into the dresser earlier (both me and my mom were right there, so she saw it too). I don't even think the social worker saw it, its really small and hardly noticeable.

xBF has a very long history of psychiatric problems, and I'm beginning to think that they are resurfacing right now - I wonder if he's on the brink of losing it. I almost wonder if his mother is losing it too.

Ugh....things just keep getting worse.
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#145 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 05:20 AM
 
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Dear OP,

I have not been in this exact situation, but if I were you and reading what people had posted, I would not be letting that baby out of my sight. I know that you want DC to see Daddy....and that can happen, but on your terms until you are obligated otherwise. You have been given good advice from people here who have BTDT. I know that pp said about the same thing, but I guess I will repeat it.

I am thinking of you and look for your updates. I know that at your age I was not worldly about people not being out for my interests. It is hard to believe, but I think that some of us can't mentally fathom how messed up some people are so as to wreak havoc on another person's life. That unfortunately has happened to me and it caught me completely by surprise and I felt so naive. Sounds like you may be kind of catching on and seeing the light. FYI, people in professional/academic settings are not immune from this. I think that you are better to be safe than sorry in terms of baby's safety, custody, and perhaps even personal safety to keep xBF at a distance and definitely his mother.

Regarding the bruises, I know that my DD went through a period where she had a lot of bruises and these are normal, but to the uneducated they might look like abuse. I was hoping that DD would stop falling and reduce the number of unsightly bruises. Sounds like your LO is entering this phase. I don't know if other mothers have advice.....like documenting to avoid these types of accusations....photos and video. I would also be leery of x-BF/mother abusing and trying to pin it on you. Another reason to not let him out of your sight. They have already shown you the level to which they will go in treating you and I would not expect a lot of them.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but I am glad that you are finding joy again in your life and enjoying your baby and that you have your family to support you through this difficult time.

Best
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#146 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 11:19 AM
 
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Your ex and his mother tried to make you think you were crazy and a bad mother, hoping you'd give up and leave. That didn't work, so now they're trying other underhanded methods. They're not stable, and this is why I would not voluntarily give them unsupervised visitation until it's settled in court.

Have your ex's psychiatric problems been diagnosed? If you haven't already, be sure to mention that little tidbit with the social worker, lawyer, judge...

Hang in there!
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#147 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 12:23 PM
 
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I've been following this story since a little before I registered and I can't help but finally speak up: you know that your ex and his mother are disturbed. You know from the constant barrage of news reports that such disturbed people do terrible things to their babies in these circumstances. It is not even appropriate for your child to be away from you, his nursing mother. You are facing a custody dispute where every second he's had the baby will be a tick in his favor towards gaining some physical custody. And he's playing dirty.

You are undermining yourself and must desire to fail on some level if you persist in giving your child to people you know have abusive tendencies. I get that your self esteem must be trashed and that you want to be the good girl, not the "evil ex who turned my kids against me," but get a grip! Being a martyr is going to hurt your child in this case. Stonewall the abusive slug.

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#148 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 04:37 PM
 
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Hey, mama. I just read the entire thread and want to send hugs your way. Reading what you had to say at the beginning moved me to tears, you just seemed so in dispair. I am so happy that you took control of the situation and that things are looking up. Your exboyfriend and his mother sound like a nightmare. Like many other posters have said, leveling a threat like taking a child from his mother is horrible. I can't think of anything worse that could be done to a parent. Hang in there and fight them. Again, others have said this, but you don't have to let him take the baby, and I personally would not. Even if you and your ex were on good terms, it is just not appropriate for a baby to be away from his mother overnight. (especially one still nursing!) Good luck! I'll be thinking about you and your babe.
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#149 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 05:01 PM
 
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Dear OP,
I can't offer any advice but I really feel for you, and wanted to offer some online hugs. I hope you continue to get the support and security you and baby need.
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#150 of 164 Old 12-09-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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Ok, another update.

I wasn't too worried about overnights - the last one went very well.

NOW though, I'm VERY worried about overnights. The CPS social worker came back tonight - baby was in a GREAT mood, and was laughing and playing with me. We had a good time while she was here. She asked more questions, talk to me some more about how things are going.

She also told me that she got an email from someone (she can't say who of course) telling her to investigate whether or not I'm hitting the baby. Umm...NO I'M NOT. Thankfully she seemed to think it was a ridiculous allegation, and the baby only has a small bruise on his head from falling into the dresser earlier (both me and my mom were right there, so she saw it too). I don't even think the social worker saw it, its really small and hardly noticeable.

xBF has a very long history of psychiatric problems, and I'm beginning to think that they are resurfacing right now - I wonder if he's on the brink of losing it. I almost wonder if his mother is losing it too.

Ugh....things just keep getting worse.
How do you know the overnight "went very well" ? Do you believe what this guy is telling you? It's quite obvious that either your X or his mom sent that email. Who else even knows about CPS being involved? Whether or not the caseworker thinks it's ridiculous, it doesn't look great for court mama.

The thing is, you knowing that your X has a pyschiatric history and then allowing him unsupervised visitation, well, you're almost shooting yourself in the foot. As a PP said, you don't have to be a martyr or the nice guy in all of this. It is NOT up to you to make sure that everyone's feelings are protected. It IS up to you to look out for the well being of your son.

I know that this is all new and overwhelming for you. But please, PLEASE listen to those of us that have dealt with abusive X's and the system. Let the court decide custody and protect yourself and your son. You are well within your rights to say NO to overnight visits. Blame it on your lawyer! Tell him that your lawyer advised you to stop overnights until you get a court decision.

With this latest CPS allegation, I'd not even allow visits without me present but YMMV. From your posts I see you as a mom who has been through some tough times but clearly loves her little boy and wants the very best for him. You seem willing to bend over backwards to accomodate all parties.
OTOH, I see your X as also loving his son BUT also wanting to jerk you around in this process. NOT GOOD mama. That is not what is best for your baby and that is really selfish of him. Whatever issue between 2 parents, they should put that stuff aside and work it out for the child.

Ok, enough preachin' and ramblin'. Please take care and look out for yourself!

Mama to one 2 yr. old tornado banana.gif
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