I've been saying this for a while, but everyone around me has been telling me things would be harder without him, be patient etc etc etc. All that has really accomplished is that I have no one to talk to openly.
In theory we've been going to marriage counselling, but my husband schedules the appointments and if we leave the office without an appointment scheduled, he doesn't get round to it, so we lose any impetus we've built up and go back to square one each time.
We just had two appointment quite close together after an almost 2 month gap, I actually thought on Friday that we were getting somewhere and I tried to schedule another appointment before we left, but my husband said it was easier to do over email, yeah right, the last time we did that resulted in the 2 month gap.
The very first time we saw this counsellor he actually suggested that my husbands behaviour could be causing my depression. I stepped in and defended my husband. I don't blame my husband for my depression, but I do feel he's hindering me getting better.
I have been very severely depressed, there is no getting away from that fact, I'm struggling to function at all, yet the baby is exclusively breastfed, meeting milestones and is not neglected in anyway. My older kids could do with more attention, but they are safe and fed and that's rarely junk food. Frankly, considering how terrible I feel, I think I'm doing a pretty good job!
Mornings are really hard for me, the baby isn't sleeping well at the moment and I have narcolepsy, so my awakeness doesn't usually correlate with whether I'm actually rested or not. I take medication for it, but I have to actually wake up and take the meds, sometimes I don't even think clearly enough to take them, other times I know I should take them but I feel so depressed I look at them and think I don't want to be awake and face today.
Last night was a particularly bad night, I don't think I really got any solid sleep until at about 5.30 I finally asked DH to take the baby to the spare room. DH does breakfast with the kids and takes DS to school, not sure what time I woke up, but I was half awake for a bit but not out of bed before he left. At that time I realised the power was out in our room, but not in the whole house and asked DH to check the circuit breakers, but none of them had tripped and he left.
He didn't say sort it out, so whatever you have to do, or communicate that he was going to take control of the situation. Which left me not knowing what to do, I didn't feel confident taking control of the situation, partly because of being depressed, partly because I'm just not all that familar with the electrics in our house, when he does, so I was fearful of doing things wrong, because that really his domain. I also didn't feel I could just take control for fear he'd be angry with me for doing that and as my only solution would be to call an electrician, I'd be spending money, not just trying to fix things my own way.
So, seeing he was online on MSN I messaged him (naively I'd thought he might actually come home after the school run and do something about the situation), he was very uncommunicative, acting as if this wasn't a problem, not telling me to just sort it out, nor showing any hint that he was going to deal with it.
I realise part of the issue is that he doesn't see it as such a big problem as I do, I call no electricity in the master bedroom, bathroom, landing and stairs a problem. I've not been able to shower this morning and it gets dark so early the evening would be a problem with just basic living tasks, not luxury/for pleasure activities, sure, I'm bummed that I can't use my sewing machine as I had planned to do a bit of sewing today, but just general living would be an issue. It bothered me doubly as the cleaners come tomorrow, it's too late to cancel and we'd end up paying for cleaning that couldn't get fully done in some areas due to the lack of power.
After going round in circles trying to talk to him, I finally said I've found an electrician, I'm calling them at 10am, he said great, thanks. WTF, if you were happy for me to do that you could have told me, or done it yourself rather than just ignoring the problem.
After calling the electricians, I decided that I was actually going to say that I was pissed off by this situation, I've been letting a lot of things pass and not expressing my frustrations, sometimes this is good, it's resulted in less tension at times, but for some issues it's just a build up of unresolved conflict.
He just brushed me off, said he didn't have time for this and went offline, I was so upset I tried to call him and he wasn't answering. I'm not an unreasonable person, I do understand that there are times when you can't deal with things, but I know in his job that's just a handful of meetings and that he's no longer working on high pressure situations, but even when he was he didn't tell me. His "I don't have time for this" usually means "I'm not choosing to have time for this and if I hide for long enough it will go away", if he did actually have a meeting or deadline, he'd usually say "I have to go to a meeting, talk later" or something.
All the time I've known him he's had a habit of either burying himself in work, or filling up time with a task that is useful, but not high priority, or taking vastly longer than necessary on a task. So last night he spent hours cleaning the oven, I never asked him to clean the oven, he's never cleaned the oven before, but all of a sudden it's top of his list, which means then if we ever talk about this kind of thing to anyone, he can honestly say he works really hard. Yet I'd far rather that last night he'd spent 5minutes putting the box we use for christmas decorations away, he got it out on Sunday, put up the tree with the kids, then left boxes and packaging all over the front room which the kids then proceeded to make a mess of. I don't think he does it conciously, but he acts in a way that to anyone looking in he's working really hard and being very helpful. As it is, he's actually created more work for me, because I wouldn't have cleaned the oven this week, or even this month, but that box and packaging does have to be picked up before the cleaners come tomorrow.
At counselling on Friday, the counsellor actually spent a while trying to encourage DH that I actually was doing my best, was trying hard to get better and he needed to support me and ask people to support him, yet as soon as we start trying to discuss this issue today, he is flinging out that not having power wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't spend so much time in the bedroom - so I'm not supposed to be in the bedroom in the evening? not supposed to change diapers? Regardless of what I do during the day today, we needed to at least make some effort to resolve the problem today, not wait until tonight, decide we need an electrician, have to faff with torches and candles then call them tomorrow morning.
His just leaving the situation really upset me, I know sometimes people need to do that, just walk away, but it's not a reasonable response to always do that and it's harmful to the people around you.
I was just on the phone to our pastor and was very discouraged he was reminding me of my wedding vows and kept saying "I don't know what you are trying to say", well I don't know what I'm trying to say either, I feel like I'm at breaking point, yet I'm not suicidal, I'm not trying to work out how to leave, but I'm sat here expecting the electrician between 1 and 3, in a house that I am ashamed to let anyone into, when I'm completely fearful of speaking to anyone, I'm not dressed because I can't shower and I feel all sweaty and don't really want to put on clean clothes in that state. Whatever happens with the electrician, when DH comes home he'll probably tell me it's wrong and I'm petrified, crippled with inability to solve any of these problems, getting dressed should be easy, yet it seems so hard, talking with my pastor just made things seem worse and the problems of this morning just seemed so trivial I didn't even say what was going on today.
Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09