hi folks, i'm new here.
i think i have ppd, or depression, or something. it doesn't matter what it is, i;m in a bad place.
i had my first baby, alden, 14.5 months ago, after several years of trying and 2 pretty brutal miscarriages. early motherhood was AWESOME. our baby was so easy, so content. things were fantastic, blissful. my husband and i got married when alden was 4 months old, last october. it seems that since about december, since he was about 6 months old, DH and i have just been bickering and arguing and short with each other all the time. i'm tired. i stay home with alden and babysit 2 and sometimes 3 other toddlers. it's good because i can spend my days with alden, but it can be so draining. the past few months, i've just been so drained. no energy, no patience. i got my first period postpartum the day before alden's first birthday, and felt relief- i felt like i wasn't just going crazy, that my body was just trying to figure out all the hormonal stuff. i don't know, i'm trying to chart things, but i think it might cycle a bit. when i'm down, it's bad. i'm down now. i scored a 78 on that quiz, not good. i wouldn't have thought it was quite that bad.
today was one of the first times i've ever been really frustrated with alden though. i usually have enough patience for him, its the other stuff- the other stresses of life, and me feeling resentful towards dh because i feel that he isn't helping out and pulling his weight- that's what normally makes me feel so intensely. i know that i'm being irrational, demanding, bitchy, but i also know that dh is being an ass. half the time i just don't want to be with him, though when i picture life as a single mom i know that's not what i want. we've been together for 8 years, and though we've had our issues like most couples, its only been bad these last 6-7 months. i think we've had sex maybe 6 times since alden's birth. i really couldn't care less most of the time.
i find myself incredibly worried about death- car accidents, etc. scenarios play through my mind like videos. i also fantasize about just getting on a plane with alden and getting the hell out of here (this is it- it's not alden, or motherhood specifically that is the problem... i don't know what it is. it's not just marriage either... but anyways, i seem to usually have patience for alden, but no one else- i generally want to get away WITH him, not FROM him). i picture hurting myself, though i'd never do it. when dh and i argue, i feel so violent. i want to throw things at him. i want to slam doors, break shit. i picture getting into the car and driving it into a pole, into the ditch. i wouldn't ever do it, so i don't know why, but i just picture it.
i don't know what to do. i don't like this. i suppose it doesn't help that alden's cut 7 teeth in the past 8 weeks. but i'm not sleeping well, even when he does- i wake just about every night at 2:30am and it takes so long to go back to sleep. i'm having these intense, intense dreams, like the vivid, violent dreams i used to have when pregnant. insane dreams, lucid. last weekend, in a dream, i was defending myself against a goblin (honestly, wtf?) by clawing at its face with my hands and woke to find that i had scratched alden's face (we cosleep). it was really scary. i mean, not a bad scratch, but those are the dreams i'm having. finding myself waking sitting up, not understanding where i am, what the hell is going on. going back to sleep and back into more vivid, violent, lucid dreams.
i'm taking fish oil- 2tsp/day. i'm taking 2000mg of evening primrose oil a day. i eat a pretty good diet (tons of organic fruit and veggies, grass-fed meats, though i have sugar/carb cravings and often binge on cereal and cookies)
i don't know what to do. i'm spent. i don't know, i though i was just exhaused from babysitting and being a mom and because i'm not sleeping well, but i'm starting to think its much more than that. this week was particularly rough, but i just got my period tonight. so maybe this is just some form of extreme pms? or...?
i'm sorry that was so long and rambling. i haven't ever typed it all out, or even really put it into thoughts yet. it is making me scared, when i read it over, and see how bad it sounds, and how insane i seem. i really thought i was just exhausted until i wrote this out, and read it.