new here, 14.5 months PP, and not doing well. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 08-14-2010, 12:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi folks, i'm new here.

i think i have ppd, or depression, or something. it doesn't matter what it is, i;m in a bad place.

i had my first baby, alden, 14.5 months ago, after several years of trying and 2 pretty brutal miscarriages. early motherhood was AWESOME. our baby was so easy, so content. things were fantastic, blissful. my husband and i got married when alden was 4 months old, last october. it seems that since about december, since he was about 6 months old, DH and i have just been bickering and arguing and short with each other all the time. i'm tired. i stay home with alden and babysit 2 and sometimes 3 other toddlers. it's good because i can spend my days with alden, but it can be so draining. the past few months, i've just been so drained. no energy, no patience. i got my first period postpartum the day before alden's first birthday, and felt relief- i felt like i wasn't just going crazy, that my body was just trying to figure out all the hormonal stuff. i don't know, i'm trying to chart things, but i think it might cycle a bit. when i'm down, it's bad. i'm down now. i scored a 78 on that quiz, not good. i wouldn't have thought it was quite that bad.

today was one of the first times i've ever been really frustrated with alden though. i usually have enough patience for him, its the other stuff- the other stresses of life, and me feeling resentful towards dh because i feel that he isn't helping out and pulling his weight- that's what normally makes me feel so intensely. i know that i'm being irrational, demanding, bitchy, but i also know that dh is being an ass. half the time i just don't want to be with him, though when i picture life as a single mom i know that's not what i want. we've been together for 8 years, and though we've had our issues like most couples, its only been bad these last 6-7 months. i think we've had sex maybe 6 times since alden's birth. i really couldn't care less most of the time.

i find myself incredibly worried about death- car accidents, etc. scenarios play through my mind like videos. i also fantasize about just getting on a plane with alden and getting the hell out of here (this is it- it's not alden, or motherhood specifically that is the problem... i don't know what it is. it's not just marriage either... but anyways, i seem to usually have patience for alden, but no one else- i generally want to get away WITH him, not FROM him). i picture hurting myself, though i'd never do it. when dh and i argue, i feel so violent. i want to throw things at him. i want to slam doors, break shit. i picture getting into the car and driving it into a pole, into the ditch. i wouldn't ever do it, so i don't know why, but i just picture it.

i don't know what to do. i don't like this. i suppose it doesn't help that alden's cut 7 teeth in the past 8 weeks. but i'm not sleeping well, even when he does- i wake just about every night at 2:30am and it takes so long to go back to sleep. i'm having these intense, intense dreams, like the vivid, violent dreams i used to have when pregnant. insane dreams, lucid. last weekend, in a dream, i was defending myself against a goblin (honestly, wtf?) by clawing at its face with my hands and woke to find that i had scratched alden's face (we cosleep). it was really scary. i mean, not a bad scratch, but those are the dreams i'm having. finding myself waking sitting up, not understanding where i am, what the hell is going on. going back to sleep and back into more vivid, violent, lucid dreams.

i'm taking fish oil- 2tsp/day. i'm taking 2000mg of evening primrose oil a day. i eat a pretty good diet (tons of organic fruit and veggies, grass-fed meats, though i have sugar/carb cravings and often binge on cereal and cookies)

i don't know what to do. i'm spent. i don't know, i though i was just exhaused from babysitting and being a mom and because i'm not sleeping well, but i'm starting to think its much more than that. this week was particularly rough, but i just got my period tonight. so maybe this is just some form of extreme pms? or...?

i'm sorry that was so long and rambling. i haven't ever typed it all out, or even really put it into thoughts yet. it is making me scared, when i read it over, and see how bad it sounds, and how insane i seem. i really thought i was just exhausted until i wrote this out, and read it.
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#2 of 4 Old 08-14-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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((hugs mama))

my dr called in a rx for zoloft for me, picked it up last night. it is the safest choice or lil ones wrt mama's milk transfer; i started it around 2 am this morning. no difference yet i dont think, but i wanted tp let you know you arent alone. i would not hurt my babies ormyself, but i scored just a little above you on that quiz too, and it was an eye opener.

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
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#3 of 4 Old 08-30-2010, 12:44 AM
 
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oh, mama, i don't have any solutions for you because i'm trying to come up with some of my own, but i just wanted to let you know how good it was for me to read your post, because i can directly relate to so much of it. NOT the typical depressed teenager stuff, you know? definitely the violent thoughts, thoughts of going away forever, jumping in front of cars and stuff. all the love your way!! i hope you are able to find the support and peace you need.

Mountain mama to Elijah Dale, natural hospital birth 10-09

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#4 of 4 Old 08-30-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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It sounds to me very much like you have PPD -- it's not uncommon for PPD to come out in the symptoms that you've listed: Anger/tension with your husband, anxiety, wanting to flee, intrusive thoughts (those scenes of car crashes, etc. that run through your head unbidden). Add to that sleeplessness and the real stress of caring for 3-4 small children and I can see how you'd be just at your limit.

Please, please call your doctor or midwife. You've got a good diet. You're doing the supplements (make sure you tell your doctor about those). And it's not enough. This is the time when modern medicine can really help.

Is there any way in your schedule you can find to go to a support group or therapist? it might really help you to realize that you're not alone in this journey.

I'll be honest and say that you probably need medication in addition to someone to talk to. The intrusive thoughts in particular are a form of OCD linked to PPD. They can be treated with medication, but usually it takes higher than a starter dose. You might actually do well to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist -- they're usually much more up on medications and what's good for breastfeeding moms.

Hang in there. You will feel better.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
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