I go back and forth trying to decide if I'm depressed, or just normally hormonal and emotional. I tried talking to DH, but he thinks I'm normal, and just a bit overly dramatic, but he felt like that when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder years ago, and taking Effexor changed my life around and made me feel so much better. I weaned off that medication when we wanted to start TTC, about 5 years ago. I honestly haven't felt as good since, but I feel like since DD2 was born 5 weeks ago, things are getting worse. Here's what I notice:
I weep easily. TV shows, songs on the radio, thoughts of going back to work, even baby milestones like focused eyes or little grins make me tear up.
I can't sleep. I lie awake at night when everyone else, including baby, is sleeping. I'm exhausted all the time, but just can't sleep. I think obsessively about things instead, like changing my career, what car seat to buy for DD1, or how to rearrange household furniture.
I'm terrified something will happen to my kids. I check on them when they are sleeping, and have these strange and sad thoughts about what i would do if one or both of them died. Like how I would try to cope, and what I would want for funeral services.
I feel lonely all the time, even with friends, family, or DH. I feel like nobody understands me, nobody knows how I feel, and I really want somebody to connect with. I get sad and then just want to be alone because it seems better to be lonely if nobody is around.
I want to escape my life through books, TV, and computer games. I have trouble enjoying moments and being fully present. Some moments break through joyously anyway, usually with the baby, but it just seems to highlight how flat I feel the rest of the time.
I'm short tempered and irritable. Normally I have tons of patience. Now I don't. Maybe sleep deprivation is causing it. I'm terrified about returning to work in two weeks because I teach middle school, and patience is practically a job requirement when working with Tweens.
I have mood swings. Joyously loving my life one minute, sad, lonely, and worried about finances or the kids the next. Happy to do activities with my older child one day, wishing she would sit for a movie marathon and leave me alone the next day. Start projects in the morning, but lose drive and don't finish them.
I know the ladies on this board are dealing with PPD. What do you think? Am I struggling with PPD like I think I am, or having normally hormonal baby blues like DH thinks? FWIW, I feel like I'm putting on a happy show quite often. The old "fake it 'till you make it," and "acting happy will make you happy" bit. I took that quiz in the sticky a couple times, but score in the 40's, which is borderline. Although I do have some of the red "call a provider immediately" symptoms. (obsessive thoughts, fears for baby). I feel like I'm on a slippery slope and slowly getting worse, not better. My back to work date getting closer makes it worse, as I'm very anxious about dealing with work stress as well as finacial stuff and arranging care for the kids.
Please help me figure this out! I'm a wreck!
Thanks for reading this and for your thoughts and suggestions.