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Stuck in a hole

853 views 7 replies 5 participants last post by  neveryoumindthere 
#1 ·
I don't know if it's ppd, or just my crazy life having its affects on me.
My life in a nutshell: I have two beautiful kiddos and a wonderful husband. However...we are poor. Like, well below poverty level poor. My DH works full time and I am in school full time. My DD is on the autism spectrum. My son is an easy baby, I almost feel like his mellowness makes up for all the chaos of my DD! There is just a lot of stress regarding DD and finances and trying to do well in school.

I feel tired all the time. I keep telling myself it's because I have a lot on my plate, but I don't know. I have had no sex drive since my DS was born, which has been rather devistating to me...it was never an issue before. I spend all this time on the internet, even when I know I should get off and be a better mom. I just know that every day I fail my kids over and over again. I want to be a happy, interactive mom and I am just not. Am I just lazy? Maybe I'm just a crappy mom...

I get mad very easily. I feel like my emotions are all just bubbling under the surface, ready to come out at any minute. Everyone always tells me that I'm doing such a great job, that my kids are lucky to have me. I am a fraud. I just keep smiling and saying that I feel great and positive and everything is going to be ok!

I used to have a great spiritual life. My faith in God was so strong, and I loved going to church and all that that entailed. Now, I just can't get that. I feel like maybe I just never "got over" my 2 miscarriages and my DD getting her diagnosis in the midst of them.

I had this amazing, redemptive homebirth with DS. I feel like I should be happy but jst can't get there. Sometimes when both kids are crying, thses thoughts flash through my head...the desire to yell F#$% at the top of my lungs (I don't swear), the desire to walk out of the apartment, or worse. Stuff I would never ever do.

I have no health insurance. I have no doctor. I briefly saw a therapist when I was pg, but I did the same thing with her that I did with everyone else...happy, brave, strong mask on! Now that I'm admitting that maybe this isn't normal....I have nothing I can do about it. Now what?

Sorry for the essay.
 
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#3 ·
I htink you need to make some time for yourself, insetad of grabbing guilted moments, then feeling awful, just assign time to yourself during the day and make it yours and don't feel guilty.
also I think you could use some time with a friend; preferably one who has similar age children, but any how would do and talk. Preferably with a friend who has a similar parenting philosophy to you and one who is not going to judge your feelings.

I'm just a Mum myself, so this is written with life experience rather than professionalism.

hope things improve.

hugs
 
#4 ·
I live in Tennessee. I actually do have some awesome friends, most of whom have kids and pretty much all who have similar parenting styles. And I get plenty of "me" time, especially compared to my hubs. I go to mommy groups with my kids, and I go to mom's night out...this week alone there are two groups that are having mom's night. I have a blast with my girlfriends, I get out and have fun....but then I come home and get back to the stress and feel guilty for having spent money eating out or on a latte, even though it made me a happier person for a couple of hours.

I talked to a friend (who also has an autistic child) yesterday. She told me that she is on anti-depressants and that almost every single mom she met with a kid on the spectrum is. Maybe I will brave talking to my other friends about it.
 
#5 ·
You are not stuck in a hole if you're looking for a way out! Hugs to you, there is a lot on your plate.

Some of the things you said remind me of how I feel when I am unmedicated. If you want to go antideprssant route, Is there a low income clinic in your area? I always ask for samples when I don't have insurance. There are threads here about natural ways to alleviate depression. I had good results with fish oil and yoga. Would a support group for mothers of dc on the spectrum help or do you feel like you're getting that met with your friends? I had no sex drive until dc were two. With a toddler and a baby, I'd say lack of desire would be pretty common.

It sounds like you might engage in negative self talk. I'm working on this myself. Two things have helped-
- at night I make a list of all the things I've done that day. Be specific. I have a journal just for this.
- a positive thoughts about myself journal. Traits I like about myself, hopes, trying to turn the "I should have done better" thoughts into " next time I'll have more info and will be able to make a better decision"

everybody has low times. Maybe it would help if you took the mask off from time to time.

Hope you feel better soon.
 
#6 ·
nak

First, address the health aspect of PPD. Nettle leaf tea in inexpensive and it's like a multi in a teacup! High in vitamins and minerals and nourishes the blood. If you can't even afford that, perhap you or someone you know can pick some. Drink 1-2 times/day.
Also, cold drinks (ie. ice water, cold juices etc) and raw veggies are a big no-no in many eastern traditions. Drinking room temp water, avoiding all cold foods/drinks, and eating only cooked veggies and meats--at the very least steamed and making sure to get lots of protein all are meant to 'warm up' the body and improve the kidney-adrenal system. You will notice your digestion improving with this too!

Next, ask yourself what would a close-to-perfect day look like for you? If you are really not sure, then write out, in point-form, all the things you currently hate about your typical day. Get all that negativity out and on paper. Once you've done that, then point by point, write down the opposite.

For example, if you said, I hate being stuck in this house all day, then on the opposite you'd say I love being out of the house ALL day or 8 hours a day or whatever. If you wrote I hate yelling all the time, the opposite might be something like I love singing all the time.

Notice how you feel after reading the full list of opposites, imagine days like that and from there choose some items from your list that you could incorporate. Brainstorm with someone else if you feel 'stuck' and like you can never get a break without some extra $$. There are lots of free options.

And if you are stuck in a hole, what can you do to get out? You can keep digging and get through on the other side, or you can try to scale the walls and get out of this one.

*hugs* to you. Hang in there.
 
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