Starting to think I have PPD at 2 weeks- is that too early? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 06-09-2011, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, DS is officially 2 weeks old today. We planned a homebirth, and after 3 days of active labour, we had to transfer and have a C-section. I'm beginning to wonder if our sort of traumatic birth experience has contributed to a case of PPD. I know that 2 weeks seems to early to call it. I'm hoping some other mamas who have been through this can listen to what I'm feeling and maybe help me figure out if I need to get help, or if this is just a regular bump in the road. It seems like anyone in my life to whom I express my feelings responds with practical advice, like letting DS "cry it out" or switching to formula, etc.

 

I'm going to be as honest as I can about my feelings here. Please try not to judge me. I know a lot of my emotions are not exactly...what moms should feel.

 

Things feel like they get worse every day with DS, not better as everyone says they will. Breastfeeding has been very painful. I've tried going to a breastfeeding clinic with a great lactation consultant. We breastfeed painlessly while there, but I could not reproduce the success at home. Everytime DS needs to eat, I sob. I don't want to feed him. I hate breastfeeding, and I find myself resenting his basic need for nourishment. Everytime he cries and I pull up my shirt, I feel like I'm just a slave to this awful pain. I want to stick it out, to give him the best (and I know that breast is best) but I'm sobbing through nearly every feeding, hoping they end quickly. Everytime someone tells me to make sure I have plenty of pillows around, to do this with the latch or that with the latch, I kind of want to punch them in the face I'm so angry. I feel like I've tried everything. And at this point, I feel like I'm a lousy mom for not feeling all the warm fuzzies moms talk about getting when they breastfeed. I feel like I couldn't have my kid vaginally, and now, I can't breastfeed him either. He's getting enough milk - growing like a weed. But I hate feeding him and I get angry at him when he tries to latch and scratches and pounds on my already sore nipple with his fists.

 

Aside from that, I look at this child and I don't feel anything. I don't feel love for him. I feel a lot of ambivalence and sometimes I feel angry at him. Which I hate myself for, and is mostly what I'm thinking about when I'm crying so hard. How can I feel angry toward a 2 week old child?? I realize he's adapting to life without a placenta and has no hate in his heart for me. But I feel like he detests me, and I feel like I can't connect to him. Most days, if someone told me I could get in a time machine and go back and decide not to have a baby, I would absolutely do it. I feel like Im not cut out for this mom stuff after all and taht this has been a huge mistake. DH feels the same about being a father. I think after watching me labour for 3 days then going through an unplanned C-section, he's had enough of watching me cry and be in pain and he resents our son somewhat. DH wants me to switch to bottle feeding ASAP, but I'm afraid to do it because I'm afraid pumping will ruin my milk supply.

 

Most days I go from sleeping when he sleeps to sobbing, back to sleeping. Here and there I can get out into the world and feel okay for a couple hours. But it never lasts. And when night comes, I'm utterly undone.

 

I know the first two weeks are the hardest. Everyone says so. I don't know if I need to give this more time or if I should be seeking help. I've suffered from depression before getting pregnant and I know what can happen if you let things go too long.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Any feedback mamas have would be so appreciated.


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#2 of 17 Old 06-09-2011, 05:59 PM
 
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I just want to send hugs and encouragement. I had my son in February, we also planned a home birth and transferred after 4 hours of pushing. Avoided a C-section but had an extremely traumatic forceps delivery complete with 4th degree tear, plus we were treated terribly at the hospital. Breastfeeding was also extremely painful for me. Like yours, my DS was growing well but feeding was so painful and I hated it - and hated that I hated it! I actually had no skin on my nipples until after I FINALLY had a posterior tongue tie diagnosed and clipped by a pediatric dentist after 8 weeks. Before that he had many bottle feedings because I just couldn't feed him, and I felt like a failure at birth and a failure at being a mom. SO yeah, I can relate. I know exactly how you feel when you say you wish you could go back and decide not to have a baby. I felt like that every day for what seemed like a very long time. I wish I could tell you everything was better by the third week and that it will be for you. For us it was nearly 10 weeks, but that was mainly because I refused to give up on breastfeeding and it took that long to resolve our issues and my pain. But also my son was very tense from the traumatic birth and extremely colicky. The combination of things I did was: Lactation consultant (multiple), chiropractic care, craniosacral therapy, pediatric dentist, and diet elimination. Although I think all had some benefit, the most helpful were finally clipping his tongue so it could actually move (it didnt LOOK like a tongue tie, every said it wasnt, but he could not lift or extend it as much as he needed to), and the diet elimination. I currently dont eat dairy, wheat, or corn products which is HARD but it is so worth it. At almost 4 months I have a mostly happy breastfeeding baby and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. It took some time to build that connection, and the pain had to go away for it to happen. I remember wishing I could go back to life before baby. I picked up the phone several times to call a doctor to ask about PPD meds. For me I ended up getting by without them because I found as much healing in venting to friends who understand and here in the forums, but they can have a big benefit if needed. My husband was also sad and tired of seeing me miserable, and didn't like our screaming little son very much. He encouraged bottle feeding too, which I eventually did some, but that advice is for another thread (or PM me if you'd like). It is hard to feel like they are not supporting you, but they are trying to in their own way. My heart aches for you because I know how hard it is. Please get help if you think you need it - your midwife is probably a good resource. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to vent more or ask about anything else. Good luck, I will be hoping for an update from you. It really is all worth it eventually!


Kendra (30),  mum to ds fly-by-nursing1.gif(2/14/11), and one angel1.gif. Pregnant with my rainbow1284.gif due 6/10/13, it's a GIRL!!!
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#3 of 17 Old 06-09-2011, 07:56 PM
 
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Your post could have been mine, too, with the only difference that my son's birth was supposed to be a natural hospital birth and it also ended in a c/s. I felt like a failure while still in the hospital, and things did not get better for the next two weeks at all. Like you, I spent my days sobbing and sleeping, and breastfeeding didn't work out either. My son I liked but not particularly and I blamed him for everything that was wrong. By the time, I went to my 2-week check-up I was a wreck; I not only had full-blown PPD but as I found out much later also an acute case of PTSD that I continue to struggle with. My provider, after scanning the results of the PPD-test, asked if I was ok to go on meds, and since I could not see any other way out, I agreed to give it a try.

 

It was the right decision, and I do not think I would have made it much further without the meds, the support of my provider, and the counselor I eventually found. I stuck with breastfeeding until DS self-weaned at 19 months and I am so happy I did that. It took a while until we clicked and it became less painful and more enjoyable, but I now had the energy to get through the pain and try different things. I bonded with him and I now think he's the most amazing thing in the world. I hate to think back to those early weeks of his life, and I feel guilty about the way I felt about him and my life, but I see now that it was because I was actually suffering from an illness. Life is still difficult for me - PTSD is no fun and it sticks with me - but the depression is gone and I function normally without drugs these days.

 

So to give you the short answer: you can have PPD when you're only two week PP. I encourage you to talk to someone about it to find help asap. Hugs.


Working Mom to DS1 (05/09) and DS2 (08/11). 

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#4 of 17 Old 06-11-2011, 10:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your responses. Really appreciate the support.

 

I'm feeling a lot of guilt right now for sure. I feel like my son and I aren't bonding at all. He screams sometimes and I just look at him and I feel like he's this alien creature that's been dropped into our lives. I have all kinds of ridiculous thoughts- mostly about him actually hating me. DH insists babies can't hate people. I know he's right. But I feel like this kid just does not like me at all. I feel like all I've experienced with motherhood so far has been excruciating physical pain. From a 3 day labour to a c-section onto a kidney infection and the pain of breastfeeding. I just don't know when the good part kicks in..the part where I'm supposed to ooh and aah over this child and feel like we're so connected.

 

I went to a breastfeeding clinic the other day, and a mom was there with her own 2 week old. She was talking about how "magical" this time is. And I felt like such a failure, thinking about how much I hate this early newborn time and can't wait for it to pass. The way she looked at her boy isn't the way I look at mine.

 

I want to soldier on for my son because it is the right thing to do. But at this point I just feel like I'm waiting for some miracle to happen- for him to cry less, or for me to cry less, or for my surgery to finally heal, or something that will turn a corner for us. Maybe meds are really what I need. Like you said...if you're suffering from an illness (PPD), then you need to treat it so you can get moving on with life..


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#5 of 17 Old 06-12-2011, 08:11 AM
 
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Oh Lady! I'm so sorry! I agree with the other posters that you can & probably do have ppd this eary. The earlier you seek treatment and support the better things will proceed. I'm 8 weeks in and have ppd and anxiety. I am trying to treat it without anti depressants, but have a filled prescription in my cabinet if I need them. I think I waited too long to ask for help because I thought it was just baby blues, and then I ended up in the hospital out of control and seeing things!

 

I would really recommend sleep. If you can swing it financially, a postpartum doula or night nanny can make all of the difference. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. You've been traumatized with a really long unsupported labor, a difficult first few weeks of parenting and your body and chemical system are in upheaval, sleep can really help! Support and self care can make all of the difference~ how can you hand your bambino off and get some you time? Are you eating well? can you get out for  walk?

 

I know it's hard to hear this, but it really is a process. I want things to get better overnight, but it's not working out that way. Now, I have good hours and bad hours. But, the good hours are more frequent than before and the bad hours less intense. You WILL bond with your baby and you WILL get through this! Start calling it what it is and reach out. I started with my doctor and a good friend... Thinking of you!

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#6 of 17 Old 06-16-2011, 03:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the feedback and kind words, mamas.

 

My family's not nearby, and we don't really get along anyway...same story with DH's family. We have some friends in the area who have offered to help with things. And DH offers to help. But honestly, even though a lot of my experience of mothering so far feels miserable, I don't want to ever ever hand the baby off to anyone. I never ever ask DH to help, and I feel like I just can't ask for some reason. He gets angry at me for not asking for his help or accepting it, but I don't know. I just for some reason can't. He works outside the home...I don't, at least not for the next few months. It feels incredibly wrong to me to ask him to change diapers at night. I just feel like I have to do everything myself and that everyone's well-being rests on me and me alone. Plus, when he comes home from work, he usually plugs into a video game first thing. I mean, he says he wants to help, that I should tell him what to do, but if he's playing a video game right when he gets home while I've been alone with the baby since 2 am (that's when he goes to work) it just makes me feel like wow, this guy doesn't truly want to help. I mean, wouldn't it occur to him to like, you know, do dishes or take the baby or something?

 

I try to nap when the baby naps. But I can't sleep. I just lay there and think of all the things I miss about my old life, and of how awful of a mom that makes me, and then I think of all the stuff around the house I wish I was doing, like doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, etc.

 

I saw my doctor today and went home with Prozac. I feel like a total failure and don't want to take it. I eat only organic foods and try so hard to keep anything toxic or chemical-y out of my son's little system. Plus, I went off Cymbalta during my first trimester because I didn't want it to affect my fetus. I was so proud when I finally weaned off Cymbalta, and things were great through the pregnancy. Now I just feel like here I am, back at square one. Back at being a total mess who just can't cope.


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#7 of 17 Old 06-17-2011, 02:53 AM
 
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I'm really sorry you're going through this.  Having a new baby is hard enough when you do have support, but if you're trying to do it alone, it must be really tough.  Please don't put that pressure on yourself - ask for and take all the help and support you can get.  Your husband may not realise what you need from him when he first gets home, and remember, he may need time himself to unwind from work before he can give you that attention and energy.  I understand not wanting to hand over the baby even when you need a break - I felt like a failure if I couldn't handle my baby's crying all the time, but it was better for both of us for him to be with someone who wasn't feeling so stressed for a little while.

 

It is normal to grieve the loss of the life you had before the baby - missing it doesn't make you a bad mother.  There have been several times (including just the other day) when I have felt like I couldn't be a mother anymore, but I have been able to get through those moments and you will too.

 

You need to take good care of yourself to be able to take care of your baby.  Make sure you are taking some time for YOU and doing nice things for YOU.

 

Hang in there.

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#8 of 17 Old 06-22-2011, 11:21 AM
 
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I had my first baby in May of last year. The labor was intense, but I managed a homebirth. I'd had a fairly easy pregnancy, then easy enough delivery, so I figured I was in the clear. Breastfeeding wasn't comfortable or pleasurable, and slowly got worse and worse. I would cry and dread his feedings... which were every 45 minutes! It was HORRIBLE. I felt all the things you were describing. I asked the midwife to check his latch and she said it looked fine. My husband and I watched you-tube videos and ready everything breastfeeding we could get our hands on... and it was still awful. AWFUL. I couldn't sleep when he slept because I was so nervous that he was going to wake up and want to eat that I would almost have a panic attack. Finally I made an appointment with an IBCLC who sat with us for an hour through a feeding (he was 5 weeks old at the time). She figured out that he had a posterior tongue tie, and would start off latched "correctly" but would constantly slip down to just the nipple which was killing me. It looked fine to me, but she picked it up right away.

 

I ended up with mastitis which turned into breast abscesses that had to be surgically drained at the hospital. That was the first time I felt like I "loved" my son, when I had to leave him to go to the hospital. We kept meeting with the IBCLC, and things started getting easier around 7 weeks, and were a piece of cake by 3 months. I NEVER felt like I "enjoyed" breastfeeding, or that we were bonding, but it did go from being a fate worse than death to no big deal.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty for not having bonded with your baby yet. Its only been 2 weeks! He IS a stranger! After awhile you'll get into the swing of things, and he'll be less demanding.Between 6 weeks and 3 months was the magic turning point for most people I know. Right now that probably seems like a long time, but believe me, it goes by soooo fast. Let your husband take care of the baby as much as possible. My son would calm down much easier for my husband than for me for awhile. At first it hurt my feelings, but then I realized it was a good thing and I should be grateful that I wasn't the only source of comfort! When your husband gets home, try to take a nap then. Also are you swaddling? That made a HUGE difference for us. Regular blankets weren't strong enough, but the Miracle Blanket wrapped tightly around DS would calm him down and he'd take much longer naps.

 

Also pumping saved our breastfeeding relationship. I started pumping at 11 weeks and it was sooo much easier. DS never had a problem switching from boob to bottle, and alternating between the 2 for a few weeks helped with my pain level while we got the breastfeeding down, plus I could pump a bottle and DH could feed him while I got a nap! After the breastfeeding got easier I switched back to that because it was easier than dealing with cleaning all of the pump and bottle stuff. DS breastfed exclusively until we started solids at 8 months, and is still nursing fine at 14 months. Sorry, I know this is really long but I just wanted to tell you that it can happen, and what you're feeling seems normal to me. Good luck mama it will get easier!

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#9 of 17 Old 06-26-2011, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much. Just hearing other mamas talk about their experiences is so helpful. Especially with the guilt of- why aren't I more bonded to this kid? I thought I was really alone on that one. Especially after this encounter, which I just have to share here if only to vent it...

 

The last time we saw an IBCLC, it was at a local walk-in lactation clinic. I ran into another mama there whose child was just a few days younger than mine. She was pretty over the moon with her kid, which is great, but I remember she kept asking me things like - does your baby sleep through the night? Mine does. Does your baby not fuss a lot? Mine doesn't. Do you read to your baby? I do.

 

It was driving me nuts. Then, another woman walked in wiht what looked like a 12 month old baby. This kid was all smiles, shrieks, and coos, and was totally engaged with everyone around her. The woman talking to me said, "can you believe our kids will be that age someday?" Without thinking I said, "god, I cannot WAIT. Right now I do everything for my kid without getting so much as a half smile in return. It will be awesome when he can respond to me more."

 

She looked at me like I was on deck to win "worst mother of the year." Then she replied, "well, I for one think this is a beautiful and tender time."

 

I slunk out of there feeling like I totally deserved that worst-mom award.

 


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#10 of 17 Old 06-27-2011, 11:24 AM
 
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just wanted to send you hugs.hope things are getting better.


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#11 of 17 Old 06-28-2011, 10:50 AM
 
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I have NO IDEA why people feel the need to ask about how your bay sleeps and if they are  "good" baby. Drives me crazy:) Also, it is absolutely not normal for a 2 week old baby to be sleeping through the night, so don't feel bad. 12 months is such a fun time and will be here before you know it. And there are so many fun things to look forward to between now and then. soon your baby will be giving you huge REAL smiles, getting excited about things, recognizing you, reaching and playing with toys, sitting up, crawling, laughing, giving hugs and kisses, developing a personality... and during that time your hormones will be calming down, you'll get to "know" your baby more, and it will get easier.

 

Not everyone loves the infant stage, and if you don't, you shouldn't feel guilty. Like you said, you give and give, and really don't get anything back.

 

I think there is just this misconception that mothers should instantly fall head over heals in love with their babies and it isn't always the case. It took me awhile for sure. I thought DS was cute, and wanted to take good care of him and make him happy, but he didn't feel like MY baby for awhile:)

 

Something that really helped us in that early time was one of those floor gyms where the toys dangle over the mat. This is the one we got: http://www.amazon.com/Infantino-Twist-Fold-Activity-Vintage/dp/B002DWALTI/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1309283004&sr=8-3 but you can find them super cheap on craigslist all the time. We got it at 3 months and I really wish I'd gotten it earlier. The dangling toys helped with hand eye coordination and he was so happy once he learned to grab and shake them. He liked "talking" to the baby in the mirror too. He never liked a swing or bouncy chair, but he LOVED that mat.

 

How are things going lately?

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#12 of 17 Old 06-28-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Partaria View Post

 

She looked at me like I was on deck to win "worst mother of the year." Then she replied, "well, I for one think this is a beautiful and tender time."

 

I slunk out of there feeling like I totally deserved that worst-mom award.

 


The bolded would have done me in when I was two weeks post-partum.

 

I had a horrific birth experience and suffered from PPD and Post-Partum Anxiety after the birth of my son.  Looking back, it was evident at my son's first well-baby check at six days old when I sat off to the side as the Doctor and my husband discussed my son.  I felt no connection with him and, truthfully, didn't until he was about 4-5 months old.  I felt like I was just a baby-sitter (and a hated baby-sitter at that).  I remember asking why my son hated me.  Why he couldn't just let me have a break.  I wondered why I had ever chosen to have children.   And these, believe it or not, were my more rational thoughts.

 

When my anxiety took over I was a hot mess.  I was convinced my son was going to die and that I would rather it just hurry up and happen so that it wouldn't hurt so much.  It was these thoughts that made me realize I had a big problem.

 

Those first few months with my son were so hard I can't adequately write it down.  

 

If I can offer any hope it is that things do get better.   We have finally reached the age where my son can interact with us and it makes all the difference in the world.  It was a tough road to get here but it has made every laugh that much more enjoyable.

 

 

 


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#13 of 17 Old 06-28-2011, 06:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for sharing your experiences, everyone. This has helped so much.

 

Things are still tough, but I think they're getting better slowly. The key for me has been accepting the ever more pushy offers of "let me take the baby for a while" from DH. I trust him with the baby completely. But for some reason, you know how it gets. You get so tired and anxious you're not rational. When I think like that, I just keep thinking, 'If DH really knew what it was like to be alone with this child for even an hour, he would hate parenting as much as I do. I would wake up from the nap he wants me to take, and find that he was packing a bag getting ready to walk out on us.  And then I would be a single mom and I don't think I can handle that.' DH has never EVER shown any inkling he could even think of doing such a thing. But in my postpartum addled brain, I'm convinced he's got one foot out the door unless I make sure our household is exactly like some 1950s sitcom.

 

At one point, DH was reaching for the baby in my arms (DS was sobbing and so was I), and I found myself physically pushing him away. In retrospect I have no idea why in the world I did that, but there it is.

 

I am starting to accept that maybe I'm just not going to feel bonded to DS for a while. These quotes ring so very true for me...

 

Quote:
I thought DS was cute, and wanted to take good care of him and make him happy, but he didn't feel like MY baby for awhile:)

 

Quote:
I felt like I was just a baby-sitter (and a hated baby-sitter at that).  I remember asking why my son hated me.  Why he couldn't just let me have a break.

 

I feel like I keep waiting for DS's real mom to show up and collect him, along with all his clothes and diapers, and take him to his real home. And I feel like he'll be happier there, because yes, it is clear that he absolutely does not like me.

 

It is probably just going to take us a while. I think my biggest issue now is just staving off guilt. It's easier to deal with these awful feelings and thoughts when I can just say to myself- it doesn't make you bad, it makes you human. I can't always make that mental leap, but when I can, it's better.

 

Honestly, hearing that I'm not alone is so helpful. I have a pretty healthy respect for the mamas I've encountered on these boards. My experience with people here has been that they are generally kind, conscientious people who are seriously devoted mothers. And to hear from people here that they had these taboo feelings too, feelings of not loving motherhood, not loving the infancy stage, all that, well, it really takes a weight off. In fact, I read posts on this thread on my phone at night when DS is fussing with me in the rocking chair or we're up for a cluster feeding session at around 3 am and I'm on the verge of tears. And it really helps. Thanks, mamas.


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#14 of 17 Old 06-30-2011, 11:21 AM
 
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Absolutely take your DH up on his offers to take care of the baby! They need this early time to bond too, and trust me, when your DS is older you'll be glad your hubby is comfortable watching him and changing diapers and that kind of stuff. You don't want to set the precedent that you're the only one that will take care of all his needs because you'll resent it later:) One of my friends had a baby and insisted on doing EVERYTHING and wouldnt really let her husband do anything. Her husband finally stopped trying, and her son got used to depending on her for everything. Its been really hard on the whole family as the baby got older. She had to take care of every bath time, story time, night waking and was the only one that could comfort her son when he was sick because thats what he was used to. She started really resenting her husband's hands off approach and it caused a lot of fights between them, but because he never got comfortable taking care of their DS when he was an infant, he just wasn't comfortable doing it when he was a toddler. He always felt like he was doing something "wrong." I'm not trying to say this will happen in your relationship, just reminding you to look at the big picture. Your baby won't always be a baby and later on you will be so greatfull to have a hands on husband.

 

Try to remember that your DH loves you and your DS and wants to take care of you both... you're on the same team. Also, I don't know about your DH, but mine wasn't that phased by the baby crying. If *I* was holding DS and he was screaming it would stress me out so much, but my DH would just rock him and carry him around or hold him on the couch and watch TV and could kind of tune it out. His attitude was like "all his needs are taken care of, I'm holding him and I know there is nothing 'wrong' so I can deal with the crying." Also I think DS would calm down sooner for DH than me sometimes because DH was so calm and I would be stressed out and worked up about it.

 

About your earlier quote "But honestly, even though a lot of my experience of mothering so far feels miserable, I don't want to ever ever hand the baby off to anyone. I never ever ask DH to help, and I feel like I just can't ask for some reason. He gets angry at me for not asking for his help or accepting it, but I don't know. I just for some reason can't. He works outside the home...I don't, at least not for the next few months. It feels incredibly wrong to me to ask him to change diapers at night." Take your friends up on their offers to help. Even if they just take the baby for an hour while you do some cleaning, or get out of the house with your husband for lunch! You absolutely need to be rested and make time to do a few things for yourself in order to be a good mom. Its almost impossible to function when you are sleep deprived and if ALL you are doing is mothering, it will feel miserable. I'm not saying leave the baby with a friend and go to vegas for the weekend... but let someone hold them and take a bath, paint your nails, just something that makes you feel good. Plus your friends will probably be excited to get the baby for a little bit! And you could visit with them which will probably help your sanity and make you not feel so isolated:)

 

Also try to think about it from this perspective, your husband works outside the home so he is getting a break. He doesn't have to constantly worry and take care of the baby. It sounds like when he is home he really wants to bond and take care of him, and you should take him up on it. Its not wrong of you to ask him to change diapers at night, you're been working all day too... and your "job" of childcare is probably more stressful so you are the one that deserves a break.

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#15 of 17 Old 07-01-2011, 01:24 PM
 
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your original post almost mirrors mine! The only difference is that I had an extremely EASY pregnancy and delivery. I still cry all the time and I have my anxiety somewhat under control ut the first few weeks were ABSOLUTE TOURTURE. I'm still not bonded with my baby at 8 weeks :( however, I am seeing a great postpartum therapist as well as a great (but expensive) psychiatrist. It takes several weeks for the medication to kick in if you decide to take it. Make sure to give it a fair chance to work before you dismiss it. It has gotten better over the last few weeks but I still feel extreme guilt for feeling this way. Just please remind yourself that this is only a short period of time and that you have the whole rest of your life ahead of you. Try to picture you and your kid sledding or going to the beach when they get older. (that helps me a lot) 

 

Also, my therapist warned me to NOT associate PPD conversations with people who haven't been through it or accept it/try to understand it. It requires a very tough skin to hear things like you heard from that woman and most people don't have as bad of an experience as we have so they just don't understand at all. My 'perfect' neighbor in the suburbs kept saying 'you must be thrilled' 'i'll bet you're so happy'... when I told her I was going through PPD, she gave me a nice canned answer - 'a lot of women get that. Dont be ashamed'  then, feeling that I could trust her, I kind of elaborated on it saying that I didn't feel bonded or I didn't think I made a good choice and then she looked at me like I had 5 heads. People who have not experienced depression, don't know how absoultely heart wrenching it is. It actually hurts! It hurts worse than any physical ailment you can get. People are very misinformed about mental health. They hear 'depression' and they picture some lonely man walking on the streets or some woman with the covers pulled up over their heads. When they hear 'medication' they associate it with weaknesses and crazy things (thank you Hollywood eyesroll.gif)

These are feelings that you didn't ask for. They are feelings that will get worse if they aren't treated. It's not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength. Your therapist will listen and talk with you and your psychiatrist will perscribe you what they think you need based on what you or your therapist tells them. LOTS of people go on medication and LOTS of people benefit greatly from it and then can wean off when the time is right. DON'T read forums about medication on the Internet. Those are people that have either a.) had a bad experience with it (which is rare and you always have the option to go off of it or change it if you don't like it. or b.) they are grossly misinformed or regergetating things that they have read or heard of before.

Just remember, you always have options.

Please message me if you want to talk more about it :) 8 weeks and im FAR from 100% but feeling better than I did at 2 weeks!

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#16 of 17 Old 07-06-2011, 09:41 AM
 
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I really admire that you are looking for ways to beat this. Amidst all the posts about how you are struggling there is a desire to persevere and that is inspiring.

I have no doubt in my mind you are going to be a stellar mom. You concern about your ability to manage everything is evidence of this. Don't fret over house work. You will figure out the rhythm to managing it all through time and experience. As hard as it is to let someone else take the kid from time to time it will do your mind a lot of good to get that little breather. So find someone you trust and give yourself a moment of peace. It is important as mothers that we take time for ourselves. You have needs too and neglecting them could lead you to resent your child.

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#17 of 17 Old 07-06-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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My kids are 16 y.o. and 12 y.o.  I'd forgotten about this, but I remember having this same experience with our first child.  So many mixed up feelings!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Partaria View Post

Thank you for sharing your experiences, everyone. This has helped so much.

 

Things are still tough, but I think they're getting better slowly. The key for me has been accepting the ever more pushy offers of "let me take the baby for a while" from DH. I trust him with the baby completely. But for some reason, you know how it gets. You get so tired and anxious you're not rational. When I think like that, I just keep thinking, 'If DH really knew what it was like to be alone with this child for even an hour, he would hate parenting as much as I do. I would wake up from the nap he wants me to take, and find that he was packing a bag getting ready to walk out on us.  And then I would be a single mom and I don't think I can handle that.' DH has never EVER shown any inkling he could even think of doing such a thing. But in my postpartum addled brain, I'm convinced he's got one foot out the door unless I make sure our household is exactly like some 1950s sitcom.

 

At one point, DH was reaching for the baby in my arms (DS was sobbing and so was I), and I found myself physically pushing him away. In retrospect I have no idea why in the world I did that, but there it is.

 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
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