I have 2 DDs (3 years and 10 months) and am a SAHM. We moved about 7 months ago and my support network vanished. We moved to be closer to my parents and my MIL, so, we do have that support, but I still have NO friends here. I am very social and it is really killing me. It has been getting worse and worse as time goes on, so it may just be depressed. DH has a new job and is not super happy where he is and is trying to start a business at night, so I have very little support from him putting the kids to bed. The house is a mess and I can't find the energy or time to clean it up and if I do, DD2 cries the entire time unless I am wearing her or holding her. DD1 is really pushing her independence and I just don't like her sometimes and it makes me sad.
I feel like I am the worst mother because I don't want to do anything with the girls. I get so snippy with them and am cranky most of the time. DH is a good participant in parenting from 4:30-8 and helps with dinner etc. He does complain quite a bit about us not having enough 'alone time' together, and I agree, but I just don't feel like it most of the time.
I find myself wanting to spank the girls because I am frustrated and really need some alone time, but then when I get it, I feel lonely.
I don't feel like this is severe, or that I need meds, but I want to get out of this and my kids really deserve a much better me.
I do exercise regularly and am pretty sure I need more sleep, but DD2 is still nursing quite a bit at night.
Thanks for any advice.
SAHM to Chloe«- 6/2008 (10 lbs, 5 oz), Hannah- 9/2010 (9 lbs, 12 oz), Liam- 2/2013 (9 lbs, 6 oz)
I had postpartum depression with my first, and whether it's that or something else - in the end, I just didn't feel quite happy. My husband and I often argued over stupid stuff, and I was easily annoyed or tearful - and VERY self critical.
First off, I would look into professional resources. A couple of hospitals and local groups here run groups weekly/monthly and can provide you with support and advice on how to break the cycle of it. You also might find some responses online, but it's not quite the same. Plus, if you can afford it, a therapist might be helpful as well to sort out your feelings and give yourself some time not focused on the kids.
Otherwise, I'd strongly advise that you find time/places to meet other mom's in your area. Again, hospitals here offer mommy&me classes, gymboree usually has at least one free class as a trial, the local parks and pool clubs are all visited on weekdays with SAHM's and families with little ones... And if having both kids out alone is too much, maybe ask the grandparents to take one of the kids for a few hours. This might relieve some stress and allow you to have some "quality" time with each child.
Even doing all of that is not going to relieve your stress/depression overnight. It will take time, but clearly something has to change in order for you to get out of this rut.
I know what you mean. it is really hard. You are in the toughest part though because they are both so young. Just know that it will get easier and sometimes that helps a little. Also, I know what you mean about needing alone time and then feeling lonely. That has exactly been happening to me. But I think pushing through it is key. Take the alone time even though it feels like you'll be lonely. Maybe schedule something. Massage? Maybe journal? I think it's hard to know how to take that moment to relax when we are 'on' every single second of the day carign for others.
Don't worry about the mess...it'll go away when you have time and it won't kill anyone in the meantime.
I get to that panicky spank moment too and it's awful, but dont' beat yourself up for feelings you have. it's a sign that you are feeling pushed to your limit and you need some support.
I think you do need to find some moms around you.
Let DH know that the only way you'll get to being okay with couple time is when you get enough alone time to feel like you again. Uh, well, thats my opinion. That's what I didn't do and it ended up causing longterm problems.
Also, you should totally mention it to the dr. Even if you don't need meds, there are other ways they can support and just good to have someone keeping track from an outside perspective.
Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!
dear Chloe's Mama...your post made me smile...not because I am glad you are feeling like a bad mom, but because the simple fact that you feel that way, shows how much you care about your kids...I hope you can get some rest and refreshment and alone time with your hubby...all of us feel overwhelmed at times...esp with little ones...I have an almost 10 month old nursing dd and she is a night nurser too- I would like to have more time with my hubby, but for now we take what we can get...lol
I like the advice to get a relaxing massage...you mentioned that you exercise, but do you enjoy the exercise or is it pretty grueling...maybe some belly dance or zumba would be more enjoyable if your current activity is too strenuous...or also you can try some dietary tweaking or herbs to help elevate mood-I am not assuming your diet is bad, but I know a dietician who swears by wheatgrass....for pretty much everything...forgive me if it seems like I am making light of your situation...I promise I do not mean to...I hope you can find the support and social connections you need... as mentioned by another...places like gymboree or even the park can be nice to connect with other moms... I hope you find someone close to you, a friend, pastor, therapist or relative to further confide in.
also some self-pampering may be in order...