AP Mom to 5
Maybe your dose last time was more than you need. You could talk with your doctor about trying the lowest dose possible.
I think that when you calm yourself internally (via medication) you will find it easier to bond with your baby, not harder.
I have not had PPD, but anxiety has been an issue. Taking care of the anxiety actually makes me feel even closer with my baby.
I'm not a super-bonder in the infant stages, though. It's hard to explain. I am bonded to them in a sense that I know I would give my life for them, but I definitely don't get overwhelming adoration on first sight exactly. At least, not in the way some people seem to do.
I'm not all goo-goo ga-ga about tiny babies. They're sweet and cute but they are very needy. My bond starts as a devoted caretaker and slowly grows quite deep. So while I understand you are having a more serious bonding issue, I also hope you do not feel pressure to be head-over-heels in the exact same way others are. You will bond in your own way!
I hope someone with PPD or a bonding problem can chime in as well. Just wanted to say I think it may be worth trying a very low dose of zoloft.
The supplement approach was not enough for me either. It's hard to know that you've tried everything and it's not enough. But at the end of the day the healthiest thing for baby is a healthy mommy.
After my baby was born, I was ecstatic for about two days. Then everything went black, and PPD set in.
I had been on Cymbalta before I got pregnant, but tapered off as soon as I found out I was pregnant. After babe was born, I took all the herbs anyone recommended for PPD, and I also ate my placenta. While I am sure those things helped, they couldn't lift the shroud of PPD for me. I also felt like I could not bond with my son at all. I had awful anxiety. There were nights when he would sleep for long stretches but I would be wide awake the whole night with racing thoughts and anxiety. I wanted nothing more than to escape my life and this little being. I felt nothing warm and fuzzy when I was with him, and I started to believe my family would be better off without me.
I finally got on Zoloft and I have to say, it has helped me immensely. I have been able to finally bond with my baby and my anxiety has gone down. I don't honestly feel the Zoloft helped with my anxiety that much. I feel that it helped address my depression enough for me to fight my anxiety with cognitive therapy, and it helped me get my head together enough so that I could leave the house and go for walks or go to yoga, which also helped a lot.
Now, of course, that's all just my own experience. If you feel like Zoloft left you feeling zombie like, maybe it's not the drug for you this time. Or, as someone else pointed out, maybe you need a different dose?
Remember that you also have options in terms of trying other antidepressants. I know that Zoloft is the most well-researched one in terms of impact on breastmilk. But, I know that other drugs are also sometimes prescribed. Kellymom has a good article on all kinds of antidepressants: http://www.kellymom.com/health/meds/antidepressants-hale10-02.html.
And what I'm about to say might not be that popular with every person, but in my opinion, there's a cost-benefit analysis to this whole question of meds for PPD. You have to weigh the cost of your depression and the lack of bonding with the benefit of what drugs or other things can offer you in terms of recovery. In other words, if your PPD is bad enough and you aren't bonding with your baby, you need help. And while breast is best, and while breastfeeding is helpful to fighting PPD, if you are just at your wit's end and in serious trouble, weigh your options. I had a friend who suffered from PPD so severe that she was at 90 lbs, and couldn't gain any weight, and was experiencing suicidal thoughts. For her, Zoloft hadn't worked. And in her situation, she finally decided she needed stronger drugs (that, unfortunately weren't safe for BFing), so she switched to formula and got the drugs she needed. I know she was sorry to not be able to BF her daughter, but in the end, it was the right decision for her particular situation. Her daughter is 6 years old now and she says she has no regrets over her decision many years ago.
Just remember that PPD isn't your fault, and that help is available. Don't be afraid to call for help, mama. You deserve to bond with your sweet little one.
"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife
AP Mom to 5
Don't give up yet!
Did they not tell you that the Wellbutrin will probably not kick in for about 3-4 weeks? You may experience negative side effects sooner (including anxiety, unfortunately), but the full benefits are not typically seen for at least three weeks. Something to keep in mind.
In the meantime (whether you continue WB or get Zoloft - which takes about a week at least to begin working) do what you need to do to support yourself! I had to snack a lot to keep my mood up. I take fish oil, B vitamins, C, D... anything that might help.
Watch a comedy or do something that makes you laugh or at least smile. Give yourself permission to selfish!
You might want to Google to see if it's OK to take with Wellbutrin, but I took Passion Flower for anxiety while preg. There's not much out there about it though.
Hope you can hang in there. It can and will get better!