I have gone all week without crying. I am hoping for another. I did not start the zoloft. The nurse had called it in, but I wanted to talk to the doctor first about taking it with breastfeeding. Anyway, when the OB called Monday morning, I told her why I was so sad. How I felt maybe I could have tried harder and still had a vbac and told her how the OB told me to jump off a bridge and things like that.....the things that keep running through my head. And she told me I would have died if I kept going instead of coming in to the other hospital (this is the OB who actually delivered me, not the one who abandoned me) and that she thought what he did was rotten. I guess it made me feel better. Maybe I don't need to keep replaying everything in my head, as if, if only I had done something different, I could have still given birth. Maybe that is what it is. There are other issues too, but that has been on my mind a lot...you know...if only I had...what I did wrong..that sort of thing.
I do think it starts to fade with time. With each of my three I did a lot of that post-game analysis. It can really spiral and the fact is, it is done. The if onlys just serve to keep you down. I hope you can find your power back in what you are doing every day to continue to give your child life! I do still look back and wonder if I had a different OB (8 years ago) maybe my boy wouldn't have been preemie, but he's so awesomely wonderful that I don't know why I bother even thinking about it. It all worked out ok.
I really celebrate you for the days without crying because it means you are feeling better. I know there will be more and more and it's okay to cry whenever you need to. There is a light at the end of this. It does not go on forever, but it is really important to reach out in every way you can. Way to go for talking to the nurse! Vent wherever you can and keep reaching out.
Mom to 11 y.o. lawyer, 9 y.o. actor, and 4 y.o. pilot. I believe 'em on those, too!
Yes it was. Grieve it. There are stages of grief that seems to be what you are going thru.
It was very wrong....
I know you are strong and going to take care of yourself and grow thru this time.
I think of you often,
I am so so so happy to hear about the non crying days.... be gentle with yourself.
How is the baby?
Baby is fine. She still is not smiling though and her weight gain has plateau'd. We see a family doctor but now I am wondering if I should take her to a pediatrician instead. The family doctor says this is all fine. I will have her weighed again in a week or two and if it is still the same, I will make an appointment elsewhere.
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