First of all, mama, big hugs to you. It sounds like you are going through a lot. Even with a perfect birth twins would be a lot to handle. A big blessing, to be sure, but still- that's TWO little babes at once. It's a lot.
Cut yourself some slack, if you can. It sounds like you had a truly horrific birth experience. And for that, I am deeply sorry. No woman should have to endure a traumatic birth. It wasn't your fault. Blaming yourself, calling yourself a chicken s**t won't change what happened and it won't allow you to heal. You brought two brand new lives into the world- that's HUGE! Nobody that does that even comes close to being anything less than heroic. End of story.
You deserve all the white light the universe can give to you. And for your own sake and for the sake of those that love you, keep reaching for healing. It will come with time. Things are dark now, but it will get better.
I had a really disappointing birth, and I'm still not over it. But now that DS is 7 months, I can give him love and receive it from him. I'm not crying everyday anymore. And each day I think I nudge myself a little closer to peace.
Be gentle to yourself. You deserve it.
YES!!!!! It does get better!!!! My sister had twins almost 2 years ago, and she still is bothered by her birth trauma. It sounds like you and the twins are healthy, right?? Good job mama!!!!!! That is really the most important thing. It will take awhile for the meds to kick in. You are making all the right steps and I am so happy that you did that. It is really hard to make that first step. I waited way too long with my first to try and change things. It upset our bonding and made me feel like poo. You are doing a GREAT job!!!!! Keep up with counseling, talking helped me sooo very much. Keep us posted on how it goes in the coming days and weeks. Keep a journal. When you are having a bad day, look back and see how far you have come.
You can and will get through this!!!!!