Baby 5 Months Today and Only in the Past Few Weeks Have I Been Feeling Insane - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 01-09-2012, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There is no doubt that the stress I have been dealing with since before DS was born is finally taking its toll. My partner was emotionally abusive on a regular basis prior to the birth, then started up again less than two weeks after the birth, I've moved several times to try and get into a safer situation, remain homeless, evangelical Christian mother won't take me in because she doesn't like the fact that I practice Buddhist meditation, going back and forth with my partner who is now working hard in therapy and finally got a job. 

So now that he is starting to work on things, I am starting to feel insane. I don't trust anyone. I am angry and irritable. The past few weeks I've been dealing with a plugged duct and then yesterday started with full blown mastitis. We are now staying with a new family who is letting us land here for a while and I feel at odds with the woman in the house here, but I can't tell if I'm being over-sensitive and paranoid or not. 

 

Yesterday, for the first time in years, I seriously considered killing myself. I felt so crazed and sick, was out looking at a rental with my partner and baby, that I considered taking the car and driving it off of a cliff.

 

For months I felt so good about feeling relatively stable. I really felt great. Despite the stress, I didn't feel like my head was crazed. Now I suddenly don't know how to hold it together. I don't trust anyone, feel like everyone is trying to give me advice and bad advice at that, feel like a horrible mother despite so many people telling me that I am doing a great job. 

 

I'm reluctant to pathologize my situation and place a diagnostic label on it as it seems reasonable to feel this stuff in light of the circumstances. But still, I feel downright insane. 

Is this at all common, to develop ppd symptoms 5 months after the birth? I feel so alone and running on empty.

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#2 of 8 Old 01-09-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't have a lot of experience with PPD, though I do have experience with depression. I am so glad you are reaching out and I hope somebody with more experience can give insight. From what I understand, this can be a very normal time to develop ppd. You're going through a lot, and on top of that many babies go through sleep regression around now. I have lots of times when I feel like a horrible mother and I question all my parenting choices. What helps me is to know that I am doing the best I can and that things will get easier. They will! Please try to remember that you are dealing with a lot and that feeling the stress of it is normal. Is there a support group or shelter in your area that you could contact to find support? Please, does anybody else have advice? Thinking of you!
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#3 of 8 Old 01-09-2012, 05:27 PM
 
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Just off the cuff...you might want to see if you are having adrenal issues?  I've found Raw adrenal and thyroid to be quite helpful...just a thought. 

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#4 of 8 Old 01-11-2012, 04:49 AM
 
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Hi, 

I believe that often PPD doesn't present itself until several months after birth. In my own case, I think I was running on endorphins and novelty factors until about 5 months when it "all" started to sink in and PPD took me down. It is very possible that the rage and insane feelings are PPD related. In my experience, unusual for me rage presented itself and was what ultimately led me to seek help. I didn't feel like a safe and nurturing mama anymore and was scaring myself and my partner.

 

OTOH, you sound like you are going through a horribly stressful and disruptive time. Hugs to you for going through all that and having a newborn as well. Those disruptive factors could certainly be contributing to your anger and crazy feelings as well - I know they would for me.

 

However, regardless of WHY you are having feelings of harming yourself, you are having them and they are real. You don`t need a clinical label to let you know that something isn`t right and seek some help for it. Is therapy an option for you? I found a lot of comfort and value in joining a PPD support group. Is there something like that in your area? I know you aren't really looking for specific advice but there are lots of things you can do to help your mood such as fish oil and exercise ( a search on this site for natural PPD help will give you lots of ideas). I also urge you to PLEASE call a crisis helpline or tell a friend if you feel like harming yourself or your baby. Its hard. I hope things improve for you soon. 

 

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#5 of 8 Old 01-13-2012, 07:37 PM
 
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Get help immediately.  You need to seek medical help ASAP.  Being suicidal is NOT a good thing.  I struggle with suicidal feelings due to my mental illness but being on a good balance of medication has quelled the constant litany of "you should just kill yourself" that ran through my mind. 

 

You sound like you are in a very insecure position, I'm sure that's contributing to your mental upheaval.  Are there any shelters you can access or programs you can apply to to get away from yoru partner?  You really need to get away from that negative influence.  And I'd like to give your mom a big fat middle finger for abandoning you like that.  Real christ-like behavior there.

 

You are in my thoughts mama.

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#6 of 8 Old 01-14-2012, 05:26 PM
 
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I was in a considerably more stable situation when  my daughter was 4 months and that's when the symptoms kicked in. This could be organic or stress or both.  If you even think it might help to get meds or therapy then you might as well do it because for me its worse to do nothing and descend from logic than to get help you don't really need, right?

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#7 of 8 Old 02-04-2012, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the helpful words and suggestions. I finally found a home for myself and my baby in a collective household and will be moving there in just a week. I am planning on attending a postpartum support group as well as planning out some other activities for myself (hoop dancing, attending weekly meditation at the local zendo) and for the baby and me (yoga, moms groups). Hoping to find a therapist for low-income women or someone who will do a sliding scale within my range. I'm feeling pretty fried but I've been through worse depressions pre-baby before this and I know how to be pro-active about it. Just feeling a bit crazy from the loneliness of it all, but I know this will pass.

 

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#8 of 8 Old 02-05-2012, 04:01 AM
 
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So glad you're finding some support! I've been thinking about you! hug2.gif

Our little miracles are here!!joy.gif
energy.gif DD Born 7/15/11 biggrinbounce.gif DS Born 4/3/13
love.giflove.gif Keep growing healthy and strong, beautiful little fighter babies!!!

Auntie to Nell, Greta, Maggie, and Elsa!

Remembering our 3 losses
 

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