Is this normal or am I just a bad person? - Mothering Forums
Postpartum Depression > Is this normal or am I just a bad person?
Connie517's Avatar Connie517 05:23 PM 08-03-2012

Not sure really how to start something like this. I've never used a forum before. To be honest I've never been one to ask for help with anything, I either figure it out on my own or just suffer. I guess lets get to the point. I'm a first time mom to a 10 week old little girl, and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with those at 18....I'm 26 now. Let me give you a slight backstory. I'm originally from North Carolina, was born and raised there. All of my friends and family live there. My fiancee is from there too, however after He graduated college, He moved to Florida for a job opportunity. We met while He was home visiting, feel in love, dated long distance and well I finally picked up everything and moved to Florida to be with him. So it's just him and me here, no family at all.....and now we have the baby. Pretty much I've never wanted children.  Growing up I always said I didnt want them and would never have them. I love kids, my sister has three. I just never felt a desire for them.  Me and my fiancee always talked about children as a possibility but they were never something "concrete" for us. When we discovered we were pregnant, I was in complete SHOCK! I was using birth control and well I just didnt know how to feel about being pregnant. I acted happy because I thought that was how you were suppose to act. All of my friends and family were so happy to hear I was expecting, espically knowing that I had always swore to never have children. When we went to the doctor, we discovered I was 5 months pregnant! I experienced no signs of being pregnant, heck I even had a flat tummy with abs. My doctor said it was very common to not show signs, not have a period because of my birth control and with me being in such good shape (i lived in the gym) my body was going to take more time to show. I immediately panicked! I'm 5 months pregnant?!?! And then the guilt hit......I'm 5 months pregnant, I've been taking birth control, drinking my wine, tanning, working out in the gym, not taking any pregnancy vitamins. I was so worried that I had hurt the baby, the entire pregnancy I worried about that, I even had dreams about something bad happening to her because of me not finding out sooner that I was pregnant. So yeah, find out I'm pregnant and that well we have 4 months to prepare. My finances family stepped up alot, they bought and mailed us a crib/changing table/swing/etc. They really helped us financially. I never got to go home during my pregnancy to see any friends or family, and no one came to Florida to visit due to financial reasons on our end and our families end. And when the time came to have her, I had her alone....just me and her dad.....and I had her, perfectly healthy with no problems. No family was there for support, no on visited. And here she is 10 weeks old, and still we havent been home or had any vistors. And please be clear, my family would have came and would be here if they could, however they are not in the situation financially to and probably never will be. So we bring her home from the hospital and the first thing I do is cry, not from happiness....but from oh crap, this is my life. My finance took two weeks off to stay with me after having her. But for the first month, all I could do was cry.....all day, every day....I cried. I cried until I couldnt cry anymore. I didnt want her, I still dont. I cried because I was stuck in this life (with child) that I always swore I didnt want, and I cried because I knew I was a bad person for not wanting a beautiful, healthy little girl. After the first week it started, I started talking about not wanting her and wanting to give her up for adoption. I just didnt want her.....I still dont. My fiance had to go back to work after two weeks........he works 60 plus hours a week.....leaves at 7am every morning and I'm lucky if he gets home by 9pm every night.....some nights he doesnt get home until 12am. And here I am, everyday.....all day in this house, with the baby. I did go see my doc about three weeks after having her upon the request of my fiance and mother. I was diagnosed with PPD and put on medicine and sent home. POOF.....that's suppose to be the miracle fix apparently, medicine, haha. Probably child is 10 weeks old, and I still don't want her. Please be clear, I do love her and care about her......I care about her well being and safety. I take care of my child.......I just don't want her. And that's terrible right?? I'm a bad person?? All I know, is I have a beautiful, healthy little girl that I don't want. I wake up everyday and do the same thing, take care of her, clean the house, laundry, dishes, look after the animals, cook dinner,, pray for her to nap so I can shower, and hope to see my fiance sometime before me and the baby go to bed. I think about the future and I just don't picture her in it. I picture me, him.....all the things I wanted in life, the goals and dreams I wanted to achieve, before I found out I was pregnant.  And then I feel bad.....because what kind of person doesnt want their child? Maybe I'm just a bad person?? I have told my fiance and family how I feel.....they all tell me this feeling will pass. My worry is, what if it doesnt? What if I'm just a bad person? 

LexiDrewMama's Avatar LexiDrewMama 06:10 PM 08-03-2012

Oh mama!  I don't think you are a bad person.  I think you need to find some one to talk to.  You already have been diagnosed with PPD but meds alone are not going to POOF make it better.  You need a therapist or someone to talk these emotions out with.  I also think you need to find some activities.  Maybe some mama groups.  And maybe something that is just for YOU.  You did not have a lot of time to prepare for such a huge change and it is still important to take care of yourself.  I wish I had more advice but I have not been in your shoes and I don't know what else to say.  

Kuba'sMama's Avatar Kuba'sMama 08:13 PM 08-03-2012
I have sort of been there when my first ds was born. We had just moved out together, I was 22, in school, working full time- then boom! I'm pregnant. And then I'm a stay at home mom. What did help me was joining playgroups, community centres and meeting other moms. It feels good to be part of a community. I would strongly advise you to get online and see what kind of programs your city offers

I think the not wanting your baby is due to shock and depression (shock at finding out you were 5 mos pregnant). I think a therapist might be able to sort out your feelings. It does sound as if you have a supportive partner and family. Remember that a baby does not meanan end of your personal goals! Some might be modified a bit but they're still accomplishable. Make a list of things you wanted to do (school, career, etc) and how you can do them with a baby (daycare? Distance learning? Pt nanny? Evening courses?) You don't have to plan your life as a housewife if you'd rather be working. There are many ways to be a good mom, starting with being happy with yourself
MichelleZB's Avatar MichelleZB 07:27 AM 08-04-2012

You have no support! I go mad at home with the baby by myself. Do you have anywhere you guys can go? There are community playgroups, etc., but barring that, can you just... take the baby, go to coffee shops, go to the mall, walk around, make sure other people still exist in the world? That might help, though probably only a little.


I only want my perfectly wonderful, absolutely planned baby son like half the time. It's hard parenting a baby! Don't feel guilty! You feel trapped because you are trapped. Your only friend in this (your partner) isn't ever home.


Playgroups, mom and baby classes. Consider looking into it, just to have somewhere to go.

Connie517's Avatar Connie517 10:21 AM 08-04-2012

My finance wants me to see a therapist. I told him I would. I just have to find one that I can afford.....I have no insurance and well we are a single income family since I'm staying at home with the baby. Thank you all for your advice and helps just reading what you said, honest. I just feel so bad all the time, Im not happy with anyone or anything. And all I can think about was how happy I was before my baby, before I knew I was pregnant. And unfortunatly there isnt anywhere to go around where we live. We live in a very very busy area of Florida....everything worth going to is over a 30 mins drive from where we live. We pretty much live in a business part of Florida (I hate it). But I will look online and see if there is anything around here I've missed. I pretty much know the area like the back of my hand from where I was always out and about when I worked.....I use to work for a Photography company. It's just so lonely....which makes no sense I know, how can I be lonely when I have a child, wouldnt I be lonely without her? I literally just cry, all the time. I'm planning on going home to NC in a week, maybe seeing my family will help......maybe thats a break I need, at least this is what they all tell me. And I am going to look into a therapist and community programs.  I am trying, I'm not just giving up......I know I'm not suppose to feel this way, but I do.....I cant help it. But it is comforting to know, people (moms espically) understand where I'm coming from. I have no one to talk to, advice wise or comparsion I just go off of what I feel.

MichelleZB's Avatar MichelleZB 05:37 PM 08-04-2012

We're here for you, Connie!


It totally makes sense to be lonely at home with your baby. A baby can't talk, doesn't make pleasant chitchat, doesn't know about your needs. You take care of your baby, but your baby can't reciprocate. I find myself wanting company when I take care of my son MORE because it feels like I have help, or entertainment, when I go about the business of lugging him around.


You say there's nowhere worth going within 30 minutes of your place. Is there anywhere not worth going that you could go to? Like, it's summer. It might even help if you packed up the kid and went to Starbucks, ordered an iced tea, and then sat in the shop and drank it. I know that helped me.


It will be nice to be with your family.


Also, you're not "supposed" to feel any way at all, so don't worry about how you're supposed to feel.


If you need a friendly phone call or something, PM me! This is a tricky time even if you have lots of support.

Laura87's Avatar Laura87 01:02 PM 11-16-2012

we have so much in common its spooky. i am also 26 and in florida

i love my babies but i don't find mothering "fabulous". I deeply resent being stuck at home with two unplanned babies. Sometimes i think i should just go so my husband can find someone who delights in them each day. i love them so much i wish i enjoyed them more, was more patient, more at peace. all i do is dream of going to work all day long, i hope next year i get to. though i fear the issues and safety that comes with child care because again i want the very best for them so bad. THANK GOD for MDC forums!!!!!!!!! i plan to move to an intentional community someday soon to get the community/tribal life i so need.

meaghymeg's Avatar meaghymeg 11:06 PM 11-27-2012

As I began reading your post, I thought, wow, she handled the surprise pregnancy very well. Me, not so much. I cried for, what seemed like 2 days straight. However, now that my lil man is here, and I do find myself crying a lot (stilll), I seem to think of the tears more like tears of fear. You mention not "wanting" your baby....but the fact that you wake up and are practically caring for her everyday, all day, alone, tells me that you want DO her, but might not believe you can do it all.  Trust me, I know the fear of love and I'm experiencing it with my lil baby boy who is just reaching 12 weeks. I feel as if I'm entering into a new world of a lot of pain and sadness/heartache. This might not be normal, but I try to keep telling myself it's because I love him so much. Yes, my life has changed significantly and my fiance and I might not have been ready at this particular time.,,,but theres never the right time. God has blessed you with a baby which is a miracle in itself. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we may not be able to identify the reasons why.  You are the only one your baby really wants or needs. If you can find the confidence within youself that you are going to be a terrific mother and her best friend, things might be able to turn around from you. I grew up without my biological father who has since passed away. I felt as if a part of me died too, and the chance to really get to develop a relationship with the person that helped create me, was lost. If you can handle the stress, keep your baby. She needs you. The fact that she can smell you within 50ft is crazy and should be the small reminder of just how big a miracle having a baby is. Believe in yourself and aspire to be the best thing for your lil girl that you can be. No one ever said it was easy....just remind yourself that you're not a bad person for thinking these thoughts. I get it, and Im sure a ton other women/moms do to.  The only reason I couldnt consider adoption is because I couldnt trust anyone else to raise my lil man like I would like. Im starting to accept the challenge and hoping my positivity will turn my minor PPD symptoms around.


Also remember, talk to your fiance and ask for his support. Maybe his job could allow him to work from home in some manners to give you some Mommy time. Taking a ten minute walk everyday might help too? 

tillymonster's Avatar tillymonster 01:55 AM 11-28-2012
Thank goodness you started this thread mama! This is a great conversation about what no one wants to talk about. Whether diagnosed with PPD or not-- all moms go through this "baby blues" stage and its terrible. I know. I cried for a few weeks, was totally alone and depressed with just the TV on all day to keep me company. When people did come over I just felt strange and got crazy over-protective of DD. I wouldn't let anyone hold her. Mind you, I did plan her after a miscarriage. So my hormones were in a state. Hormones do so much in a woman's body. If you can see a doc about imbalance there might be more to your PPD then you think.

She was a fussy little thing and being so little also meant I freaked out over being able to BF her and my nipples were in horrible pain. Her fussy period peaked at 6wks and it was hell. She hated the car until she was around 2.5 years old. Had issues with loud sounds and needed rocking and white noise to settle down. I couldnt go anywhere either. There were crazy rainstorms going in December when DD was borne. She also hated the stroller. I learned very fast how to babywear and went about my business. I did lots of Netflix and Kindle reading those days... I almost miss it! Can't watch The Fringe with a 3yo roaming around, can I? Ha!

I desperately wanted to be a mom too. Sure didn't know what I was getting into! It took DDs first smile to stop my sobbing at 6am and then I was hers. wink1.gif

Ditto on the moms groups. What's easier and usually free is a baby Storytime at the local library. Do you baby wear? There are a TON of baby wearing fitness vids in YouTube and classes I'm sure in Florida. Oh and strollers-strides is another fitness club for moms. Check it out! Good luck mama!