I suppose it all started when I had tried to break up with my boyfriend of a few months after coming out of a tragic military marriage where it ended in fear for my life. Midnight wake up calls to a gun pulled on me telling me to get down because we were in live fire. That life, that marriage quickly dissolved and the years of waiting for a soliders return were wasted when on Christmas day he decided to ask for a divorce. I briefly dated nurmerous guys from models, to actors, to doctors, yet it was all to make me feel vauled to who they really are. Then out of the blue I met someone who I thought was sweet...but instantly wanted to be married. What is it with me after a certain age that just need to fill the void in their life to compete with their friends. I turned him down and tried to leave but am a sucker for tears from men. I was sucked back in and attempted to leave on numerous accouts. Next I found I was pregnant. He was happy cause he has what he wanted, I was trapped because I cared more about something else than my self. I was blessed with an amazing baby boy who I know is intended to do great things. Why I stayed...the guilt, hurt, and concern for someone I love for the first time greater than me.. As for my health I could noot care as long as a little amount was left to show the sweet boy I had created unconditional love. I still tried to escaspe what I felt was the prison I was living in. A life of yes "sirs" and "as you wish." Why is my fairly tale so fare off base from the ones that really happen. We then were blessed with an amazing baby girl...perfect and beautiful to the "9's" I fell deeper into my sorrow. I want to be everything to them and more...but I am trapped. So here I am ...and open book...hurting from life, hurting from horrible medical problems amd feeling alone.