I had my fourth baby in early May. It was a fairly traumatic birth I suppose, though initially I felt mostly grateful to the midwives that helped us avoid a csection. It is a long story but I had never wanted to deliver there in the first place, though I recognized it as an option, partly because I had found a lot to mistrust during my prenatal care (going in for kidney pain that was dismissed as a back ache, then being prescribed abx for hematuria though no bacteria in culture....ended up passing 2 kidney stones pp...)
Baby had to be resuscitated, and we were told he had erbs palsy in the delivery room. I did not have a shoulder dystocia though he did have a compound presentation. No one told us that this is considered an avoidable injury or how to handle our baby. The pediatrician told us upon discharge that it should improve, but that whatever function he had at 4 months would be what he would have in that arm. They also told us it wouldn't cause pain (though in retrospect all of that screaming he was doing was clearly from pain) . A the follow up a different ped (same hospital) told us to "google it " when we asked how to manage his paralysis (immobilize the arm vs. Exercise it). That was when we discovered that E rbs is considered avoidable and that we should be moving it...but we noticed he seemed in horrible pain...went back and insisted they xray him...took 2 weeks to talk them into it...yes his humerus had been broken in half but by that point it was mostly healed. Orthopedics told us there was no way to know how it happened but of course initially questioned if we had done it.
Anyway...happy part of the story is that by four.months he was perfect no evidence of long term damage.
But Mama......is a wreck. I am much more anxious about his well being than my other babies. I wake up worrying that he has stopped breathing.He had had several illnesses unlike my other babies, but then the pediatricians seem to think I am overreacting. Maybe I am. I go back and forth between thinking it is mother's intuition that something is wrong and that I am really just overly anxious about him.
Lump on top losing 2 grandparents and a very traumatic exit from our church ( The pastor lied to my husband accusing a former members child of being a rapist...of course denied that in front of the church...) and the normal transitional stress of adding another member to the household....and I am not sure if this is just normal...or it is ppd.
I have tried finding info about connections between birth injuries and ppd but I only find birth trauma as it pertains more to the mother (as I said I was grateful they spared me the csection...but that may have actually been worse formy baby) .
Some days I feel totally crazy...just enough of my logical mindedness to keep me from actually running away. Some days I feel like it would all be better if I could just get up earlier...work out...clean while the kids sleep. But I realize I am not sleeping enough as it is. I am scared to go to thendoctor because I don't trust them. We are military so my only "choice " is that same hospital where he was born. I just hate the kind of parent I am right now.
Anyone have an experience like this? Is it just normal processing a scary, stressful first few months...and I just need to move on...or I don't even know. I just need to fix this and I am scared of talking to our Dr. Bc I don't know if I can trust them.
I can't tell the difference between PPD, "ordinary" depression, and having a tough life right after you have a baby, but I think that ANY of those things are legitimate reasons to seek help, potentially including counseling. When you do that, "PPD" isn't so much a diagnosis, as a term that can fast-track you for assistance with your problems, and convince your insurance to pay for that assistance. You and your family deserve appropriate, compassionate care. It is okay to say whatever you need to say to get it.
If talking to your doctor is tough (and with what you've been through, I see why it would be) is there any kind of insurance help line you could call? Do you need a referral for mental health stuff? Could you possibly get such a referral from the pediatrician (or is that the doctor you already don't much trust)?
You talk about being much more worried about this baby then you were about your others - I can't tell whether that's a function of him having had a rougher start, or of problematic anxiety. I think it would be tough for anyone to tell. I know that my first never worried me much, but that I was far twitchier about his baby sister (in the NICU for a month). I didn't really "move on" until DD demonstrated her robust health over an extended period of time. I *did* have PPD and serious anxiety problems, but that didn't mean I was inventing my worries out of thin air - an anxiety disorder isn't about worrying, it's about worry screwing with your ability to carry on with your day to day life, or worry keeping you awake at night.
OMG!! I jut want to just you a big fat virtual hug!! I cannot imagine going through that with my little one... in my opinion, what you are feeling is a perfectly normal response to what you've been through. I might also suggest that you get some help in processing all of that if possible. That's what professionals are for... to give you perspective in times like these. I'm horrified at your experience, and to be blunt that's sort of saying a lot coming from me, as I have been through quite a bit of trauma myself.
If I cant...I am not sure what I might do - but I am hoping that if I explain why I do not want to be seen at that hospital, it would probably behoove everyone involved to provide that referral. I know that the orthopedist said that there would be a "discussion " with the birth team about what happened, but I didn't get to be privy to that (or if it even happened) .....and that feeling that they wouldn't even see this as a reason for more training...just riles me up. The little man is wonderful...so really it doesn't matter...I tell myself...but at the same time, his well being is so totally in spite of their actions.
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