I have a bunch of kids here, 3 from a previous marriage (ages 9, 6, and 3) the oldest has Aspergers. Their dad abruptly left us 2 years ago after 8 years of marriage and it's been very hard. Then I got pregnant with a man who has his own 5yr old, so with our new 6week old baby that brings me up to 5 kids to care for.
I do all the laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, and childcare. My "boyfriend" took 1 day off work after the baby was born (homebirth but I was in the hospital afterwards for hemorrhage.) He works/is gone ALL the time but we never have any money (I don't get child support either). We just moved to this state and into the same house for the first time so it's all these new issues and I know nobody. He has tons of friends and family here but I'm isolated, and he doesn't talk to me much anymore. It hurts.
I feel pathetic and incompetent. Worthless, unappreciated, trapped, bored, overwhelmed, and heartbroken, and exhausted physically/mentally/emotionally.
When I was on my own it was hard, but at least I was my own person. Now I feel like I'm just his nanny and it hurts. But then I feel panic-ey about being abandoned again and I don't know how my kids and I would get through it if he left us. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and it scares me. I'm no longer able to brush off little things or give myself a confidence boost. Instead I get queasy, my heart starts pounding, hands start shaking and I cry. It's like all my coping mechanisms went out the window and I don't know why this is happening.
I started bleeding again last night, which could be a sign that hormones are at work here?? I need some suggestions on herbs I could take to help balance and pull me out of this. I also really needed to "talk" and hear from other moms.
Oh, and fyi I've taken zoloft in the past and won't again because of horrible withdrawal symptoms. I really don't want to go in to a dr. but I'd be open to drug suggestions.. I just don't want to be on drugs long term.
I am currently taking my placenta pills and motherwort. I'm still anemic from the birth, have been taking alfalfa which helps but I ran out.
I strap on the baby and take the dog for a long walk every night after the kids are in bed. I also try to get out for activities every day but with a 3 kid minimum it's exhausting. I don't know what else to do.
Anyway thanks for reading.
wow, that sounds really hard!!!! I don't have any suggestions but I really hope other people do.I just wanted you to know I read your post and am sending hope and compassion out to you that something really wonderful can change for you so that you have more help with your kids and more joy and ease in your life--
Are the older kids in school?
why does the ex not give child support?
do you have any family who would help you if you moved to be near them?
Is there anywhere you wished you lived where you would feel more supported?
Sounds like a tough situation for sure. Your story reminded me of a letter I received which was later published in a magazine. Just in full disclosure, I'm Director of Medical Education for the company that this feature is about BUT, I will also tell you that I remain as objective as possible when it comes to matters such as hormone balance and mood.
If you have specific questions about how it works, why it works, etc. or would like to be referred to a more holistic practitioner in your area, you can call the technical support line and ask for the medical team at 888 668 3661 or you can email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org . The first comment from the above link shares the testimonial in full detail.
Here are a couple more sites that discuss it
I hope you find balance.
Corey Schuler, MS, DC, CNS, LN
Director of Medical Education, Natural Health International
It does sound hard. You must not have dated your boyfriend long before moving in together right? I think I would have dated a year at least before getting so serious. It takes a while to get to know a potential significant other just as a mate (how they handle life situations), let alone with a bunch of kids involved. I know, I'm currently dating someone now and we have 5 kids all put together and I can't even imagine getting serious with him yet, let alone marriage or even moving in together. But that's neither here nor there I guess. I feel bad for you and your situation. I am a single mom by divorce and know how hard it can be. I hope it gets easier for you soon!
Single (divorced), self-employed working, college student MOM to:
17 yr old
11 yr old
4 yr old
It is hard because we've only been dating a year and a half, and had to rush moving in because of the baby and needing to move out of state for work. I did not want to move in together but had no real choice, and once we were living together I became so dependent on him and his affection and I just hate it.
I tried to talk to him last night when he got home from work. What it boils down to, is he only wants to be with me if/when I'm happy. I told him I thought I needed to see a dr. and he got mad and walked away. He said lots of people do this why can't I. So obviously he isn't going to help me, and if I can't pull out of this I'm just going to destroy what good things we do have.
I hate feeling like I'm only worthy or lovable when the house is spotless, dinner is on the table and all the kids are perfectly behaved and busily working on some quaint childhood activity (not tv oh lord what kind of mother would let her children rot in front of a tv!!) I was doing ok but then it seemed like all these things started going wrong and I couldn't shake it.
I never based my self worth on him before, I don't know why I do now. I guess I don't value the work that I do either... I mean oooh dishes and diapers and laundry wow I got a lot accomplished today! I can look forward to the same tomorrow! I want to build a real life for myself but I don't even know where to start when it's all I can do to just keep up. Now I get to take the kids to sample brunch at costco, that's my highlight of the day. lol. Well thanks everyone for the care and suggestions, it does mean a lot.
Wow, he sounds like such a jerk!!!!!!!!! He should be doing everything in his power to lessen your work load, appreciate you and help you to be happy. To expect you to do all this work and be happy and not complain- and to only love you if you don't complain- that is actual abuse in my opinion. sorry you are dealing with this. Wishing you strength and peace.
Mama the work you are doing--loving and forming those precious children (diapers and dishes and all)-- is the most important work in the world!!! Mother Theresa said "world peace starts at home." You raising those babes and tending to their needs is changing the world, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
mama, I am so so sorry. I can relate so well. I don't have any words of wisdom, but just letting you know that I connect with you and understand and validate what you are feeling, wholeheartedly. it will get better.
You are right in the middle of your most important life's work. It might seem like cleaning up spilled juice for the 1000th time, folding yet another load of laundry or making another meal that the kids don't all eat doesn't make a difference. All of those little things that we do help shape our children into who they will become. They see you. They imitate you. You are their world. You have a tiny baby that takes up most of your time. Let it. There will come a time that these little ones will grow and you will have more time for your house. If I am cranky with my children and I have a "clean" house I feel miserable at the end of the night. If I had a great day with the kids and the house is a mess, I feel happy. Not so happy about the messy house but happy about our day.
It sounds like you need more support more than anything. What about hiring (or get a volunteer) to be a mothers helper so you can do some things and regroup. Having children is taxing and sometimes overwhelming but it also the most wonderful thing there is.
Ugh. Sounds like you are in a tough situation. The best cure would probably be a time machine, but I'll be danged if I can find one for rent anywhere! Your boyfriend's assertion that he only wants to be with you if you're happy is ridiculous. He is a jerk, and you would be better off (emotionally) without him. But having 4 kids and no other financial support doesn't make that reasonable at this point. I wish I had more helpful advice, but I do want to assure you that this is not at all about you being "not good enough". Don't let him make you believe that. He's the sack of trash, not you. Good guys don't only want to be with someone when they're happy, nor do they refuse to lift a finger to help you with your responsibilities or to try to make you happy. It kills my dh that I have such a difficult time emotionally. He wants desperately for me to be happy. But when I'm unhappy, he doesn't refuse to spend time with me. He helps with the baby and the housework a lot, even though he's under a ton of work stress. Because he actually cares about me, not just what he can get from me. There are guys like that out there, so don't feel like you have to settle for this guy if you can find a way out. And if you can't right now, just acknowledge to yourself that you are staying because you need the financial support, not because it's as good as it can be, or all you deserve. You do deserve better.
Mother to one baby. Wife to one husband. Trying to fight the good fight.