Hello! I am new to this forum, and I just need to relate and vent to people who are going through the same thing. I am a single mother of two beautiful girls, twins, who are 16 months old.
I have no support, either financial or physical. I am going through the struggles of taking care of them, trying to make financial ends meet, working full-time, and going to school. I am just drained. I have decided to quit my job because the cost of daycare is just ridiculous.
My ex boyfriend is so bitter toward me (not sure why, it isn't even like he really liked me when we were together), but has gone out of his way to make my life hell. We finally got a final judgment ordering him to pay me 1200 per month (which includes retroactive payments until he pays of the 14,000 back pay....has not supported them at all). Yet I have not received one payment.
I am just sad all the time, I feel like I have this dark cloud that is constantly following me. No matter what I do I can't get out from under it. I feel like I have nobody to turn to and it's just building up. I feel so guilty because I have these two beautiful and awesome baby girls who need me, need me to be happy and need me to love myself, before I can give them all the love they deserve. (Don't get me wrong, they know they are loved, but I just feel guilty that I feel depressed).
I am in law school, and that is overwhelming. Which was expected, but I did not anticipate the lack of support. I do have family close but nobody has once offered to help me or give me a hand. (I don't want to ask....I feel they should know my situation and offer. Usually I am not like this, I believe if you need something then you must ask, but I think the fact that a single woman who has no help is living alone and trying to do everything she can to do a good job, would not have to tell anybody that she could use a hand). I feel if I were to ask then I would be a burden on them, am I wrong? If they wanted to help I would assume they would offer....because it's not rocket science to know that there may be a struggle. And to top that one off, not only has nobody offered to help, I found out at one point that they were all getting together on Sundays for a big family dinner, and not once was I invited, and I know it's because whenever I go anywhere I need help (considering I have two toddlers running around), and I just think I haven't been invited because nobody wants to deal with it. I was just devastated, who else do they think I am having dinner with?
I just feel so alone. I lost my step-father a year ago who was so dear to me, and I lost a very close friend (she was my rock) about two years ago. She was the one I would ALWAYS go to for any problem, and I just feel that void so often especially lately.
I just don't know what to do, I cry at the drop of a hat. I hardly sleep. All my very close friends live out of state (I didn't grow up in my current area). I just want to be happy, these are the best years for my children...they are so inquisitive and they are just so cute with their gestures, and I don't want to look back and remember these years as me at my lowest.
I know what its like to feel alone. Its only been recently that i havent felt that way. It is very difficult to not have support and to feel like you have to do everything yourself. That is a huge burden, twins or not. Since your family is not being supportive and neither is the dead-beat dad, i think its time to make some new friends. Find a playgroup with kids around your girls' age and make time to go to it once a week. Just being around other moms can help a lot with feeling less depressed and stressed.
I imagine its very hard to not get a break for yourself. You could try hiring a babysitter or mother's helper for a few afternoons a week to get some studying done or take a bath by yourself. That would definitely be cheaper than day care.
Also, be as gentle as you can with yourself. I know you wish you could enjoy this time more but you need to be realistic--your life is a constant struggle, no one would feel great in your shoes. I dont mean to be rude, just helping you be realistic. Just keep thinking of ways to get help and minimize stress, i'm sure you will feel better soon.
I'm so sad to hear you are going through all of this . . . and good for you taking care of yourself and your two precious babies!!!
The non-profit I work for offers phone counseling (with licensed counselors) for people who don't necessarily need on-going counseling but who are feeling the pressures and overwhelm of life. If you think it might help to just be able to talk to someone and get some insight and advice, please reach out to our counselors (at no cost to you) at 1-855-771-4357. They're here Monday through Friday, 6 am - 8 pm (MT). Praying for you . . ..
Hugs, mama, and I think you're doing a great job. I'm on this forum looking for similar answers. I gotta say - ask your family for help!! It's the depression telling you that you shouldn't have to. Honestly, once you get past a certain point, it's almost like your brain will seek out more things to be upset about. That's ok, it can't help itself, but it doesn't mean you have to listen. My family's 3000 miles away. If they were close by, I'd also hate to ask for help. But I'd do it for my baby; maybe look at it that way? If they're there to ask, you've got one thing going for you that many others don't. I'm not saying it'll help with the feelings you're having, but it might, and either way it'll be good for the girls.
Oscarsmom, thanks so much for posting that number. It might be just what I need, too.
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