I'm starting to hate my daughter - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 10:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry if this is long...this is my first post here, but I've read a bunch of threads and feel I should start on A little bit about myself: I'm in my early 30's, HAD a great career in the Capitol Hill area, married for 11 years and have a new 5 month old. this is our first child...to live....anyways, I know I'm suffering something awful and it started the 3rd week babygirl was alive. It started with locking myself in the bathroom just to get away, crying uncontrollably in the shower, chugging glasses of wine at 9 am, staring at the ceiling from 2 am on...listening to her noises with tears streaming down my face. My two best friends..(I only have 2) have completely abandoned me, I don't know if they're freaked out or they don't know how to handle me b/c all I do is cry...I don't know what I did, but they don't speak to me anymore. My job fired me the first Monday after my FMLA was up ( I couldn't go into work I was such a nervous wreck)..Christ, how I loved that job. My husband who I love so intensely and so much more than our daughter has basically told me to "get over it", "suck it up" or "why is this so hard for you? you're a woman, motherhood is in your DNA" I beg for time for myself to no avail. I have no family here and Im stuck in this hellhole of my thoughts with my daughter and now, Im starting to hate her. Everything was great before she was born, I had an active social life, I looked great, worked a challenging and fun job, had a loving relationship with my husband. Now? I have a husband who is exasperated with me and I don't blame him! I hate me too!, no job, no friends, and a babygirl who would be better off without me. I don't want to take any psychotropic medications and support groups just make me feel like those women are all weak and pathetic...even though I know I'm the most pathetic. I want a divorce and to put my girl up for adoption. I know that makes me an awful mother and person. its either that, or I'm going to stab myself in the face...with the largest kitchen knife I can find. I'm so utterly alone.....and I hate myself and I hate that I had a baby. I don't know what to do. Should I divorce? should I give her up so she can have a better mama?

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#2 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 10:28 AM
 
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I would strongly reconcider the meds thing. I would also get to your doctor asap. If you have a medical condition such a ppd your job cannot fire you. That is unacceptable.

 

PPD is very serious and needs to be addressed.

It is so hard I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

also its normal for friends to take a step back when you have a new baby.

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#3 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 10:30 AM
 
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You should call your OB right now and say that you are having problems with extreme post-partum depression. 

 

I am so sorry you're going through this, and possibly you should be at the ER.  You need help, a lot of it, immediately.

 

I can't tell you whether to get a divorce (although I certainly understand why it might sound appealing right now), but giving up your baby would be a really drastic last resort, and frankly, you should not be making major decisions until you have had a few good night's sleep and gotten some of these feelings under control.

 

I also think you should reconsider meds.  You're basically self-medicating (not very effectively) by drinking, and the consequences of that can be far more problematic then the consequences of prescription anti-depressants.

 

I am so - so! - sorry that you are going through this, and that your friends and family aren't there for you right now.  Please get help.

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#4 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would strongly reconcider the meds thing. I would also get to your doctor asap. If you have a medical condition such a ppd your job cannot fire you. That is unacceptable.

 

PPD is very serious and needs to be addressed.

It is so hard I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

also its normal for friends to take a step back when you have a new baby.

thank you for your reply. im super nervous about taking drugs...at least for depression. it stays on your record and I don't like it makes me feel and I'm afraid its going to make the situation way worse....I need my girls...but they're gone, who would want to be around someone like this?

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#5 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 10:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You should call your OB right now and say that you are having problems with extreme post-partum depression. 

 

I am so sorry you're going through this, and possibly you should be at the ER.  You need help, a lot of it, immediately.

 

I can't tell you whether to get a divorce (although I certainly understand why it might sound appealing right now), but giving up your baby would be a really drastic last resort, and frankly, you should not be making major decisions until you have had a few good night's sleep and gotten some of these feelings under control.

 

I also think you should reconsider meds.  You're basically self-medicating (not very effectively) by drinking, and the consequences of that can be far more problematic then the consequences of prescription anti-depressants.

 

I am so - so! - sorry that you are going through this, and that your friends and family aren't there for you right now.  Please get help.

Thanks for your reply as well. I'm just wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life and Im afraid that if I take the meds and I get worse or they don't help..then this IS me. this is who I am...a pathetic worthless person. sounds crazy right? everything sounds crazy to me right now. my husband is trying to help but he thinks one diaper change and one bottle feed a day is his duty. I cant turn to anyone. not even doctors. my ob/gyn told me to sleep more but how?

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#6 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 11:30 AM
 
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If all your OB told you is to sleep more then you need to find better help. Call your GP. Tell them you are having serious problems with PPD. He/ she will help you or make a referral for you. I don't think you need to worry about the consequences of taking meds. PPD is a common treatable condition and nothing to be ashamed of, it's not going to mark you for life as someone with mental health issues. I understand the thought that treating it might not make you better scares you, but you're not going to have the chance to get better by doing nothing. You have an illness an need treatment and understanding from your husband. Maybe dh can come with you to
Your first appt, if you think it will help, or maybe you can pull some literature off the Internet for him.

And try to find some local moms with infants to talk to. Look here on MDC in the "finding your tribe areas" or maybe see if there are some baby time classes, or baby yoga classes in your area. You don't have to be best friends with moms of infants to commiserate about how everything can get turned upside in your life with a new baby. They'll be happy to talk to you about that stuff. If your breadtfeeding, La Leche League meetings are also a great way to connect with moms and to talk about the PPD you are experiencing.
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#7 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 11:35 AM
 
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You are past the "sleep more" point. The words that would get you the fastest attention are suicidal ideation (which is what that thing with imagining stabbing yourself is). You can go straight to the ER if your doc is useless. It would be a long wait, but it would be safe.

In re antidepressants going on your record - these things are covered by HIPAA the same way other medical info is. DUI charges, child endangerment, and harming yourself or others are not private this way, even when they're symptoms of mental illness. The best step you can take for your privacy right now is to get help with your health.

If you take the meds and they don't help, the doc who gave you the meds should help you try something else. Meds can be a stopgap, a way to try to enter a safe holding pattern while you line up something else.
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#8 of 19 Old 07-16-2013, 12:13 PM
 
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After I had my son (first child), I had a lot of these feelings that you are having. I felt that I had ruined my life and made a huge mistake. I was riddled with guilt and resentment. I even screamed in my baby's face. It was awful. And I had lots of help.

I just want to say you are not an awful person or an awful mother. You are someone who is being asked to do something that is impossible to do well without some assistance. Think about the old days when families all lived in the same house in the same village. There were mothers and grandmothers and aunts and uncles to help. Everyone helped a new mother. Now we are expected to do it all and if we don't we think there is something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just human and humans have basic needs in order to function.

Please call your doctor or naturopath. Go to the ER if you need to. Someone needs to know how serious this situation is. I am very against taking psychotropics as well but every case is different and you need a professional opinion. There are cases where medication may be necessary.

Don't make any big life choices right now. I know it's really hard right now but I promise it is temporary. Some of the things you say I was saying three years ago and now here I am pregnant again!! I promise it gets better. But right now, get some help. And please please please sleep when your baby sleeps. I don't care if your house looks like the city dump and you have to order food in every day. SLEEP. A lot.

Good luck. We are with you. <3
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#9 of 19 Old 07-17-2013, 03:46 AM
 
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I echo what the others are saying.. please seek help and if you're OB is not listening, please keep looking for someone who does. Maybe if your husband understood it's a medical condition he wouldn't behave like this and actually help you out. (here's one mother's record of PPD, maybe if you send this to him, he'll have time to process it and understand? http://www.mothering.com/community/a/postpartum-depression-one-mamas-story-of-struggle-and-hope

 

A friend of mine also had a bad case of PPD and she had to be hospitalized for two weeks. I remember being so impressed by her for seeking help. She took medications for a while but now when I see her with her daughter, they're sweet and lovely together. She also said that she did not feel anything towards her daughter in the beginning.

 

Please seek help!

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#10 of 19 Old 07-18-2013, 09:32 PM
 
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Get Help!!!  You don't have to feel this way.  I too had PPD.  I took meds to bring me out of it.  Fortunately I had a wonderful OB/GYN who explained to my husband that he didn't have a clue how I felt and never would because he does not have estrogen.  He explained to us that in 9 short months I had built a mountain and my body was exhausted.  That coupled with the hormone changes were the root of the depression.  After taking an anti-depressant for about a week, it seemed like a ton had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I remember so well sitting at the table and realizing that I almost felt like me again.  When trying to conceive the second time, I asked what were the chances of me having PPD again.  My OB/GYN responded that since I had already had it one time, it was more likely that I would have it again but he would have a prozac milkshake waiting on me in the delivery room.  If I had had a 2nd child, I would have gladly drank it.  The anti-depressant is only for a short while until the chemicals in your brain get back to normal.  If you had an infection, you would take and antibiotic and this is no different.  You have a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated.  GET HELP NOW. 

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#11 of 19 Old 07-20-2013, 06:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really appreciate you all taking the time to write out your thoughtful responses. I couldn't face coming back to the site after reading what I wrote. It just seems so awful. I booked a one way ticket back home, finally confessed to my mom and she has scheduled me for a drs apt first thing and a counseling session. I was so impulsive this week I actually went to the courthouse, baby in tow, and requested forms for official separation. My husband said take as  money and time as I need too get better. Such conflicting emotions I feel paralyzed....however, I needed to read y'alls words to really appreciate my situation. Thank you.

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#12 of 19 Old 07-20-2013, 06:32 AM
 
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I really appreciate you all taking the time to write out your thoughtful responses. I couldn't face coming back to the site after reading what I wrote. It just seems so awful. I booked a one way ticket back home, finally confessed to my mom and she has scheduled me for a drs apt first thing and a counseling session. I was so impulsive this week I actually went to the courthouse, baby in tow, and requested forms for official separation. My husband said take as  money and time as I need too get better. Such conflicting emotions I feel paralyzed....however, I needed to read y'alls words to really appreciate my situation. Thank you.

Good luck. Sounds like you are taking steps towards healing. Sending you positive vibes and healing. <3

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#13 of 19 Old 07-20-2013, 03:10 PM
 
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That is great to hear! Im glad you are taking that step for yourself smile.gif

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#14 of 19 Old 07-21-2013, 08:09 PM
 
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Just wanted to check in. I am so concerned for you. Please take care of yourself and if you do take medication have someone monitor you whole taking them. Please if you feel that bad again call 911 before doing anything. Thinking if you, you are not alone!
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#15 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 12:19 AM
 
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It's awesome you're seeking help!  Sounds like you mom is great support. I hope you get all the help you need hug2.gif


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#16 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 02:22 AM
 
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I just found this thread. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this hug.gif. I had really bad PPD with my first, i kept thinking about putting him up for adoption, i severely missed the life i had prior to having him, and my husband made me angry, no matter what he did. I felt like a failure as a mother, i didn't have that maternal feeling moms talk about, i just wanted my freedom back. It was pure torture. When i decided to stop and really look at the situation (left the house for a couple of hours by myself), i saw that i was using all my energy to push against the new life. That's what it is to become a mother, you know, a new life. You didnt just grow and birth a new life, you have also created a new life for yourself. People dont talk about that very often, unfortunately. Many women are not prepared for the extreme upheaval and intense need for adjustment after a baby is born, especially their first. This becomes even more amplified if you were more of the intellectual type who had a rich, independent life before the baby came. It sounds like that's the case for you.

What helped me the most was accepting that this is the new life i've created for myself. I had to figure out first, though, that it was what i truly wanted. If i had tried to force myself it wouldn't have worked. If you can take some time for yourself soon, like maybe have your mom take the baby for a few hours, you can then go be by yourself, do something you enjoy and reflect on your heart's desires. Its very difficult to know what we truly want when we're having to focus on someone else's needs all the time. Therapy will also be very helpful for this, it sounds like you could definitely use some outside perspective and help with understanding what you're feeling and experiencing. Its okay to go through a crisis once in awhile--they help us figure out a new normal and you will forever be changed, usually in a good way.

I almost forgot to mention that because you now have a new life, there often is a period of mourning for your old life. This is normal and shouldn't be glossed over. You listed all sorts of wonderful things that you no longer have due to your new life. An amazing job that you loved, best friends, an awesome relationship with your husband. Not having those things now must be really, really hard and is no doubt contributing to what you're feeling. The good news is nothing is static. Over time when you start feeling better, you will have friends again. It might not be the same friends but they will be friends. Your relationship with your DH might get better as you become more balanced, or you might move on and find someone new. You might decide to get a new job once you're feeling better or when your baby is older. So even though this is a new life that doesn't mean that the old life is completely dead and gone. Some parts can be resurrected. It'll never look exactly the same again, but you might find it becomes even better than before, with time. Adjusting takes time and you're well on your way now that you've broken your silence and reached out for help. That is so wonderful and i bet you'll be feeling better very soon.
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#17 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 02:44 AM
 
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I really appreciate you all taking the time to write out your thoughtful responses. I couldn't face coming back to the site after reading what I wrote. It just seems so awful. I booked a one way ticket back home, finally confessed to my mom and she has scheduled me for a drs apt first thing and a counseling session. I was so impulsive this week I actually went to the courthouse, baby in tow, and requested forms for official separation. My husband said take as  money and time as I need too get better. Such conflicting emotions I feel paralyzed....however, I needed to read y'alls words to really appreciate my situation. Thank you.


I'm glad that you are taking a step forward.  Such an inspiration. I'll include you in my prayers. Hope all will go well.  Good luck!

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#18 of 19 Old 10-26-2013, 12:20 PM
 
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I just want to say I can identify with some of your feelings. I will say that the thought has occurred to me more than once to get out of dodge once my son is weaned. My husband and I have an up/down relationship, and it wasn't any better before the baby. Also I had a traumatic birth and when my son was born I didn't feel close to him at all. Things are looking up, though--with my son, not with the husband. :-/ How are things with you now? I hope you've gotten some help and are feeling better.

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#19 of 19 Old 10-28-2013, 07:03 AM
 
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I really appreciate you all taking the time to write out your thoughtful responses. I couldn't face coming back to the site after reading what I wrote. It just seems so awful. I booked a one way ticket back home, finally confessed to my mom and she has scheduled me for a drs apt first thing and a counseling session. I was so impulsive this week I actually went to the courthouse, baby in tow, and requested forms for official separation. My husband said take as  money and time as I need too get better. Such conflicting emotions I feel paralyzed....however, I needed to read y'alls words to really appreciate my situation. Thank you.


Aw, honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. :Hug Post partum mood disorders ARE treatable, in fact they are among the most treatable of emotional conditions. I had some PPMD after my first two babies were born, my symptoms were very different than yours. I just cried and cried and couldn't DO anything. I was paralyzed. One day my DH came home to find me crying into the sloppy joes I was making (I felt at least I was DOING something, but I still couldn't stop crying) with a two toddlers clinging to my legs and he finally realized I couldn't "snap out of it." I got on meds (there are MANY meds you can take while breastfeeding. I'm a lactation consultant and post partum doula (who specializes in... Moms with PPMD!) and I've not only worked with many moms who took meds while breastfeeding and felt better but did so myself, with NO problems for my breastfeeding baby.

 

I know it seems like it will never get better, and if you do nothing, it may not. BUT, you've taken the first step and become proactive. GO to that doctor's appointment, take the meds (ANYTHING is better than how you are feeling now, don't you think so?) Within weeks of getting on meds and getting into therapy that feeling of helplessness will fade and you'll feel better, Then as the months go by and you keep working, you'll find a NEW Normal to live your life with.

 

I need to be honest with you: MOST of us lose our friends who are not mothers when we have babies! Especially if those friends are selfish, self-absorbed party girls who think life is nothing more than going out and "having a good time." and updating their Facebook status with pictures of themselves drinking   (Believe me, I know the type) A lot of these girls (not women, girls) are threatened by the stability a husband, a home and a baby represents in OUR lives so they go on the offense when we become ADULTS while they stay children! If they couldn't stick by you as you became a mother and an adult, they aren't worth much mourning over!

 

I remember a good "friend" screaming at me, while I was dealing with PPMD, no sleep, breastfeeding problems and a colicky baby because she said, "You don't have time for my problems anymore!" Suddenly a LOT of things clicked into place. I said, "You are absolutely right. I do NOT have time for your problems anymore. I can't be your ersatz therapist anymore. Hire one whom you pay. I have my own issues, which YOU never listen to. I have a child who NEEDS me and I have to get on with my life as an adult." I realized I had been hooked on people who were using me in the guise of "friendship" and I made new, better friends when I joined La Leche League. I realized that the people who had abandoned me when I moved, got married and had a baby really weren't the kind of people I needed as friends. If someone can't handle changes in YOUR life, you are really better off without them. All my old friends (with the exception of one, whom I am still best friends with) wanted to do was "go out and have a good time." I realized I was now an adult my partying days were over and that my baby and my husband were the center of my life. Your single days are gone forever, and yes, there is some mourning for that. But, being an adult is SO much more satisfying than just rounds of clubs and parties and gossiping. FRIENDS care what your priorities are. If your old friends can't appreciate that your life has changed in MAJOR ways, mourn that old life briefly and move on.

 

In addition to my getting professional help (which I didn't do until my SECOND bout with PPMD after my second baby was a toddler but I SHOULD have done much earlier) the thing that helped me the most was joining La Leche League. It was support and love like I had never experienced before. The women in LLL came and helped me when I had a miscarriage, they helped me with childcare when I had therapy appointments, they alleviated my feelings of being isolated (my DH and I had moved from our old neighborhood when we bought our first house right around the time I got pregnant the first time)  and not only gave me a purpose in life, LLL actually ended up as the foundation for my new career! I felt these women not only understood what my life was now about, but CARED. They are still a part of my life even though my children are well past the breastfeeding ages.

 

I'm SO glad you are getting help. Please don't be afraid of taking meds. So many are compatible with breastfeeding, and all they do is help your neurotransmitters work the way they are supposed to when you are not depressed and thinking logically. Antidepressants are NOT "happy pills." They don't "make you happy" by a long shot, they just help the malfunctioning chemicals in your brain start to work in a normal way.

 

Therapy is helpful as well. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right therapist. I know now I would never again see a therapist who didn't have any children. Being a mother isn't something you can learn about just by reading about it. I eventually found one who knew about motherhood, and she helped me a lot. I recovered fairly quickly, but I have a propensity for depression, having OCD and two chronic pain disorders, so I just stay on a low dose of antidepressants all the time. THIS is not common, though. Most moms only need the antidepressants for a while until THEIR DOCTOR thinks they can wean off of them. Just enough to get the neurotransmitters working properly again. There is GOOD SCIENCE behind the appropriate use of antidepressants and there are good reasons to use them, if your thinking and functioning is impaired. 

 

Please, stick with the doctor (if he's a good fit for you, otherwise find someone else) and the therapy. Suicidal ideation is serious and requires immediate care. It isn't something that you just "snap out of."  It isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility to find care for yourself, which you are doing now. You will do well if you stick with the doctor and the meds and the therapy. Therapy isn't easy, it can be very difficult at times, but it's worth the effort.

 

Please keep the appointment with the doctor and if things get bad again, like you start thinking about hurting yourself or your baby go immediately to the Emergency Department so you can get immediate intervention.

 

Good luck and healing thoughts. :goodvibes

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