I am not sure if what I am going through is postpartum, but my mother has a feeling it may be, and I am scared. I had a baby March, 2013. Everything was perfect the first couple of months, I did have some weird homesick feelings that came and went while I was breastfeeding, but I developed Mastitis and stopped breastfeeding within a month. The homesick feelings went away and I felt normal again. My period also started normally the next month. I also have a 4 year old who I have never felt what I am about to talk about.
Well it is now July, and as of the 13-14 (ovulation time) I was about to go the gym and all of a sudden I felt so sad and overwhelmed and I did not understand why. My husband took me for a drive, but I still felt sad and I DID NOT WANT TO BE HOME. I still don't and I don't know why. Anyway, I had some severe ovulation cramps so I took a bath to relax. The second I stepped out of the bath I started to feel anxious, scared, the world felt so fake and unreal, I thought I was going to die. My body felt tingly, and I just wanted to cry but I couldn't (Anxiety attack, did not know at the time) My husband had to drive me around at 1 am to calm me down. I had severe panic attacks until about a week ago.
Since then, I have felt so sad and confused. I feel like my mind is going to go crazy because I keep thinking I am dying (hypochondria), or just because my mind is racing so much about life I feel like life is pointless. Now, when it comes to looking at my baby, I am afraid something is going to happen to him. Or worse, I am fearing I will do something to him (I have no intention at all, but it is just a fear) or I keep thinking that I will go crazy and hurt myself(Same fear). I wake up several times in the night checking on them and making sure they are alright. I love my babies so much, I feel like I have to hold my newborn because I don't want to become distant, but at the same time, I am afraid to hold him because I don't feel good enough for him or my daughter. Everyday feels like a dream on and off. I can't stand to be alone even when my babies are with me I still feel alone. I hate when my husband is at work, or the gym, or gone at all. But the second he is home, or family comes to visit, or I go into town I feel fine. I feel like me. But the second I know I have to go home, I get depressed and night time I hate it because I know tomorrow will be another day alone. I am up almost every night watching movies to keep my mind from wandering. I feel like crying everyday, but I can't and it makes it worse. Even thinking about another exhausting day with my babies makes me want to cry. I also think about the fact that death is unpreventable, which makes me even more depressed. Never thought like this before :(
I started Viibryd for antidepressants and Xanax for anxiety a week ago. When my doctor prescribed it I thought something else triggered it and I didn't even think it was postpartum. Viibryd has helped a little, and I don't need Xanax anymore which is good. But this morning was the first time in a week where I woke up feeling like I was going to have a mental breakdown, and how I thought it was just another pointless day. Please help, I don't know where else to turn, and my therapist won't be available until August 27th. I don't feel good enough at all to do anything, or good enough for others attention. I haven't been able to do anything in my home because I feel so depressed, and like it is pointless.
Being home alone with kids can be So hard and lonely! I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is good that at least when your husband is around you feel better. Our culture is so messed up (in so many ways) one way being that SO many moms feel isolated in raising their kids. It is such a huge responsibility and can feel really scary to do it alone. when I had my son three years ago I ended up moving from a place I had lived for a long time- over a decade- because it felt so isolating, to a place where I am closer to friends and dh's family. So it is pretty easy for me to get out and see good people.
Are you close to a town, do you have friends you could see or who could come see you? Or anyone really just to hang out and help you? I hope you feel better soon.
Hang in there.
This sounds a lot like when I had my ppd. It's tough to deal with, but through the medication and therapy I hope you will be able to find some help. A month is a long time to wait to see a therapist. Is there maybe a postpartum support group near you? I know the hospital I delivered at has one.
The website Postpartum Progress has lists of organizations, or your obgyn might have information or maybe even if your hospital has a maternity warm line? I just know that talking helped me so much.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Here is a link to that website...