No Forgiveness - Mothering Forums
Postpartum Depression > No Forgiveness
Alygatorsmama's Avatar Alygatorsmama 09:17 PM 09-08-2013

It has been 9 months since my ppd. I had it from the day she was born. I was 17, and when I was pregnant I was happy as ever. I could not wait for her. Me and her father were in a rut though. Always fighting and a lot of stress. When she was born, my ppd hit me. I wanted nothing to do with her. From the moment of her birth, I just didn't care. I couldn't even tell her I loved her because I didn't feel anything for her. She was just a crying tiny person. When we brought her home I hated everything. I used every excuse in the book to get out of changing diapers, feeding her, etc. I was tired and angry and it only got worse. When she was a month old, her father left me for another woman (he had cheated on me with her). I got so frusterated with everything and the idea of losing my 'perfect' family that I became more depressed. I would yell at her and cuss at her. I would tell her I hated her and that she should have never been born. I considered adoption. I would sometimes leave her there to cry and I would cry with her. I would yell at everyone. One night I got to a point that I dropped her off at a friends and then left. I tried to kill myself and ended up in the ER. They ended up sending me home but switched my medication. My new medication has cleared up my ppd. I still however have nightmares of the first few months. I can't seem to forgive myself for abandoning her and not loving her. I feel like a shitty mother and I just cry sometimes. I get so frusterated. Anyone have similiar problems??

mamaofthree's Avatar mamaofthree 10:44 PM 09-08-2013

i want to just give you a big giant hug! :hug

i am so sorry your start into motherhood was so hard. but the meds are helping, and that is a great thing. you can not change what happened, but you can move forward and forgive yourself and love on that baby you have. ppd is such a big deal i just don't think we hear enough about it, not truly. thankfully you got the help you needed and you had a safe place for your daughter. 

many many hugs