My quick backstory is that I suffered infertility for many years. I finally got pregnant with dd - great pregnancy, great birth, instant desperate love for her, and great years of fun with her as an only.
I then got pregnant with twins. I had the exact opposite experience. My pregnancy was very hard, my birth was awful. I don't feel like I've bonded well with either of the babies. Both of them are much higher needs than my first ever was. They are close to a year old now and I'm still struggling so much. I really thought that most of it was exhaustion from lack of sleep but I am finally getting some decent sleep and I still feel this way.
I've seen thread after thread over the years from mothers about to have their second baby worried if they can love them as much as their first. There are endless replies about how silly a question that is, about how it's easy and that you will find your new normal, how moms can't even remember what it was like before their second or third, etc. was born.
Well, I'm still waiting to feel that way.
I love my babies but I don't feel like this is normal. I remember very well what life was like before them. We aren't easing into a new way of being. My relationships with everyone are strained.
Most of all, I miss being able to just sit and have quiet time with my oldest so much it hurts my heart and I'm bawling writing this. Every time I have to tell her again and again that I don't have a moment to read to her, that I can't help her right now, and on and on and on - I feel like a horrible failure of a mother.
Can anyone relate to this at all?
mama to three little ladies
Hugs hugs and is it possible to make a special time for your first when do comes home?
Hugs to you and sending you positive energy!
How old is your older? How can she help you? Even young kids, like in the three year old age, can be very helpful.
I have seven kids ranging in age from 11 to 4 months. My first two were only 15 months apart, so none of my kids ever got me all to themselves. My oldest daughter is 8 years old now. She and I, and all my kids really, have bonded with their siblings through care and play and helping me.
But I totally get what you mean about the new normal. I'm struggling with my current baby-4 months. Her older sister is 20 months old and was the most joyous pregnancy/birth/baby that I've experienced. It was easy bouncing back into my normal life with her. But THIS baby is the complete opposite-fussy, allergic to foods I eat, not so fun to be around.
My big girls (8 and 6yo) love helping me manage our home. They help fetch things and make sandwiches and do things for their younger sibs that I would do if I weren't tied down with a fussy baby. Today, the 8yo gave the 20 mo a bath after she splashed around in a mud puddle while the 6yo made sandwiches for the whole crew. I've seen such a wonderful development of caring spirits in all of these kids and I don't feel guilty one bit that I don't get on the floor to play My Little Ponies or read stories. Our special time is them working at my level instead of me going down to theirs. Does that make sense? We wash dishes together, do laundry together (that's my 3yo favorite), and I will even have one of the older three cook dinner while I give directions and stand there bouncing the fussy baby. I even taught my 8yo how to make laundry detergent last week. It's almost like a secret club...me telling all these kids the secrets of being an adult...they want to join in on the fun with Mom ;)