I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster, of one day thinking it's PPD and I'm going to get help and the next thinking it's under control. I think one of the things fooling me is that I have this image of depression being about not getting out of bed. I function quite well. I cook a lot of our meals from scratch, we get out to a playgroup twice a week. But I hate the person I've become. I think I'm being a terrible mother to my kids, and I feel like every day I'm chipping away at the solid relationship I've built with my toddler. I don't want to be this person. I can see so clearly the person that I do want to be, but I just can't bring the two images in line, you know?
But I'm so scared to talk to my doctor about it. I think that an antidepressant is likely the best thing for me right now, but I'm scared to take one. Scared of the side effects, I guess, and of treating the symptoms but never the problem. Maybe the problem is all chemical, though, and maybe I need to treat it with chemicals. I so wish that taking fish oils and Vitamin D could be the answer, but I don't think it is. I guess I'm afraid my doctor will say "oh no, you're not depressed. This is all normal new-mom stuff. You'll adjust". Or I'm afraid my doctor will just write me a prescription unneccessarily. Because of course I still have that small niggling doubt that I'm not depressed at all, and that I'm actually just an awful person and not meant to be a mother.
I hope I get over this hurdle and just making the appointment tomorrow.
Did you make the appointment?
Don't be scared! You are brave for doing what you need to do to be the mom your kids need!
You are not alone either. So many of us are just like this, myself included. I was having a great day today, sat out in the sun with my little ones playing around me, but by lunch I started slipping back into the dark place and wondering why I even had kids in the first place.
I'm not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV), so I can't tell you what to take. But DO make that call and get your blood checked for all the little things they check for. Your kids will be much happier and so will you :)
Oh mama, don't be scared and talk to your doc!! I suffered postpartum anxiety and depression and refused to admit to it because I was so unrealistically scared that someone would take my son away from me. Thank goodness my hubby was watching closely and began to recognize the signs before they got too bad. Sadly not before a particularly bad headpounding episode (literally. I know, sad that this didn't trigger a "maybe something is really wrong" moment in me) but I ended up on a low dose of meds that helped me to feel normal and myself and helped me to bond more fully in a health way with my son.
Fast forward through the bad decision on my part to get off the meds because "I feel fine now" and the downhill tumble (figuratively, this time) that led back to the meds to starting work full time. I was off the meds at this point and found my anxiety from returning to work ramped up to a point where I had 2 full-on panic attacks at work and had to hide in the bathroom to control my hyperventilating so I didn't scare my students. I realized that I needed to go back and speak with my psychiatrist again. Contrary to my belief (I've been dealing with my anxiety since 17 but not with meds and always thought I had it all under control), I needed more than just iron will and a few good days.
It was THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE! I take a very low dose of cipralex every day, and I feel normal and happy and, most importantly, myself. I feel like me. And I've missed me!
Go talk with your doctor and find out conclusively. If there is something s/he can do to help you feel more like you, go for it. You'll be able to get some help in finding you again! And know that we all support you here!
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape! --Author Unknown
The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children. --Jessican Lange
I have been suffering from PTSD after what happened when DS4 was born and refuse to get on meds for a number of reasons
I have been taking Schussler salts , and the rescue remedy has been a lifesaver , when I have a panic attack , or rather feel one coming on !
Of course , it is not as strong as normal medication would be , but I have noticed a gradual improvement
after 3 cs Happily single Mom
I saw my doctor yesterday for a physical and gave her a watered down version of what I'm going through. I'm going for some blood tests next week, and when I see her again to review the results I will try to be more forthcoming. You're right, I need to do this for my self and for my family.
Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know I'm not alone.
Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).