I am new to this forum so first of all, Hello. I am so thankful to run across this site because I am desperate to find others that understand what I am going though.
First of all I have 4 beautiful children. My baby was born on Dec 22nd 2013.
It started during the pregnancy when I became depressed because I was very anxious about having my 4th C section. As the birth grew closer, I started to become more and more anxious just knowing in my mind that something bad was going to happen during the surgery. The C section went well but everything seemed really surreal. I did not sleep in the hospital and when I did I would wake up in a panic. I went home on Christmas Eve and started experiencing severe anxiety. In addition, I contacted MRSA from the hospital and we moved into a new home.
Fast forward to today. I am getting better but I still have a long way to go. In Jan and March I was hospitalized for absolutely being out of my mind. I was seeing things, hearing things, I felt like I was on a bad acid trip. In addition my Ob prescribed me Zoloft which made me completely manic. This is also when I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder. For the first 3 months after having the baby my Mom totally took care of everything. I could barely function and would literally want to be attached to her 24/7. It was horrible. I couldn't eat and just wanted to sleep all the time because that was the only way to escape my reality.I am just now getting to the point that I can independently take care of my kids. I am still scared to stay home alone with them for long periods of time but I am getting more comfortable.
I still cry every single day and contemplate killing myself just to leave the horrible pressure and pain. I feel like there is someone following me around all day telling me what a horrible person I am and that I will never be good enough. It so uncomfortable and I still feel like I am losing my mind. I have been on medication for the last 3 months or so but I am so NOT a medication person so I am always wondering if some of the symptoms I am experiencing are a side effect or if it is really me. I am so so scared that this is my new normal and that I will never get back to who I was just a few months ago. It seems much better when I am out doing things with my kids and my husband but I hate being home alone because all I can think about is how I am failing my kids. I am also scared I am becoming psychotic or maybe I already was but am scared it won't go away. Sorry this is so long but any advice or reassurance would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like you are getting appropriate help, which is huge. I suffered for most of the first year of my daughter 's life without help , and now I see how foolish and unnecessary that was. So much is dependent on having the right help around you and it's wonderful your mom is nearby. *and remember , you are the best mother for your children--you are doing your very best*
Sierra, wife to DH , Mama to DD (2012) and DS(2014). In love with my family and hoping for inner .