Can you stand just one more affirmation?
When I was pg w/ Gus and Emmet we were told that most likely they would die in utero. I was put on complete bedrest for two months before they were born and I had no other children so all I did all day was lay on the couch and feel them moving inside me. I wanted to remember what it felt like incase they did die. Then they were born at 29 weeks, completely sick. Emmet fought death for 2 weeks. I was so afraid that my time with them was limited that I spent 12 hours a day sitting at their bedside, just looking at them trying to burn their pictures into my head.
Then 3 months later they came home. They were still really sick and on monitors and O2. I really threw myself into becomeing the very best mom in the history of the world! I spent the next 2.5 years trying to teach them and get them caught up to their peers.
Then I had Abe.
When I was pg with him I barely noticed it. I didn't have even 5 minutes a day to acknowledge the lil babe growing in my belly. My toddlin' twins took up every minute of the day and half the night. The whole pg was like that. I also recieved a crushing blow 2-3 months into the pg. I was NOT a canidate for VBAC, and would HAVE to have a c-birth. This caused depression very early on in the pg. It never left.
The day he was born by planned c-birth, I just wasn't ready. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I was scared and just didn't feel happy. I already felt tired and overwhelmed before they ever lifted him out. When he was born and dh said "It's a BOY!" I was dumbstruck. For 9 months I had thought FOR SURE it was a girl, and frankly, for a short time, I was disappointed. I felt like "who is this kid?" If I hadn't seen the birthmark on his cheek minutes after birth I would have thought we took home the wrong baby! Dh confided the VERY SAME THING a few months ago!!!!
Nursing was a flop. He just couldn't do it. No one, not the pedis, nor the LCs, or the nurses ever figured it out. Then, to top it off, he always cried when *I* held him. He was quiet for Grandma, Papa, the neighbor and ANYONE else, but screamed when I was near. So I wasn't "allowed" to birth him, couldn't nurse him, and then he hated for me to touch him. Man, PPD began to rear it's ugly head and stayed for about a year.
I totally do not remember ONE thing between 2 weeks pp and 10 months. I remember dressing him in a blue and white striped onsie at about 2 weeks and the next thing I remember is putting him in our new sling at 10 months. I'm TOTALLY serious. When I see baby pics of him, he looks like a distant relative. It's SOOO weird.
Mama, you are not alone. I still don't have that fierce love for him like I do the twins-it's the lazy river kind, fer sure.
I am PLEADING with you to call someone re: possible ppd. It's the pits and it can steal your life from you.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! You are an AWESOME mama 'cause you recognize it, and are trying to figure it out, understand and accept it! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me if you need to. I'll send you my phone # and you can call me day or night.
I'M SERIOUS!!! PPD STOLE MY HAPPINESS and I don't want any mama and baby to ever have to go through it again!