I feel silly posting this here....my dd is 11 mo, but all of the sudden I feel like maybe I have been suffering from ppd and just blaming it on other things....
ok here goes,
every little thing overwhelms me, my house is the worst. I can't seem to keep up on it
I keep blaming this on the fact that I am nannying for a family and have literally no time at home.
That is not the only thing that seems to overwhelm me tho....like this morning, one of the girls I nanny, and her friend, were supposed to take the bus to school....since I drive them most days we weren't exactly sure what time they should go and wait. So they missed the bus, and I got upset about it...why? it's not like it is all that hard to pile kids in the car and take a 5 min car ride, but for me it just seemed like such a huge task this morning.
I am soooooo tired all the time, even if I get a full night of sleep, I just can't seem to shake cobwebs all day. I even take a nap with the kids
Sometimes I get very bad insomnia and am up all night, and I can't even use the baby as an excuse b/c she sleeps through the night.
: but not me, no, I am up all night long...
I have suffered with depression all my life, I can remember as early as 8 yo being very depressed....but my mom is very anti-medication...which is weird b/c she does drugs
: so I couldn't tell her about all this as a kid, although I think she knew there was something wrong with me...as I never smiled. But the depression would go in phases, for a year or so I would be fine, then bam! there I was back to my unhappy self again. Everyone, including me, just accepted that I was just "that way".
This past year has been so hard for me and dh, all I can think of is divorce, yet he is trying so hard to be a good husband. I know it isn't all him, but I get so frustrated with him....why can't he help me out? why can't he make me feel good? I know that he works a full time job, then comes home and joyfully takes over "baby duty" for me, but even that just isn't enough. I do love him, he is so good to me, why do I feel like this?
Oh, and I should mention that the past year has seemed to zap ALL my brain cells, I can't make a clear thought, can't hold a conversation without losing track a few times....and I can't seem to hear anymore, everyone has to talk loudly to me....
so maybe it isn't depression...maybe it's a brain tumor
I don't know...I just want to be a positive nice person today....KWIM I want people to want to hang out with me
Ok, thanks for listening....