I'm feeling so depressed lately and hostile towards my baby, who is now 6 months. He is NOT a good sleeper, for naps or at night, and I feel a lot of hostility towards him. When he was born, he had terrible colic for 2.5 mths (went away when I gave up dairy), then started teething (now has 6 teeth already!), and has never slept well, so sleep deprivation is fogging my thinking. It is a struggle to get myself out of bed in the morning, b/c I'm going to have to "deal with" ds all day again, and I don't look forward to going to bed at night b/c I know I won't get more than 1.5 hours of sleep at a time.
My inlaws are visiting, and yesterday I hardly held ds all day, between pop-inlaw, mom-inlaw, and dh, and you know, I was SO HAPPY! It's to the point where I don't even want to be with him anymore. If other people deal with him all day, I can spend some quality time with dd (4 yrs old), who is more fun to be with.
When I say I'm feeling hostile, I don't mean that I feel like doing any harm to the baby, I just would rather not be with him. I AP'd dd and developed a great bond with her, but even though I have done all the AP things (cosleeping, slinging, nursing, never CIO, etc.) with ds, I just haven't bonded with him.
Last night he was crying and crying before bed and I held him and sang to him, but he could tell that my heart just wasn't in it and he kept crying. He looks at me with this hurt expression, like he's saying "why don't you love me mommy?" and I still don't feel anything towards him.
Is this post partum depression? I'm wishing I'd never had this baby, and worried that my negative feelings are damaging him b/c he can feel my anger and frustration. I have NEVER physically harmed him, or even thought of it, but I just can't seem to summon up any feelings of love towards him.