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#121 of 142 Old 02-03-2006, 10:23 PM
 
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Hi Mamas,

Thank goodness for this thread! Nice to "meet" you all...

I just had a baby last Saturday (Jan. 28th) and this week has been a lot better than when I had my daughter five years ago. With her I felt like no one cared about me and that I was at "the ends of the earth" and nobody would notice or care if I just disappeared...my midwife said some of it could have been coming off of the painkillers (for afterpains), some I think was the extreme level of hormones shifting, especially after having a girl.

With my boys (my first and my newest) I feel much more "balanced". However, on day five after birth with this one (as my midwife said I might) I got really sad and started over-thinking how:

I have a lack of mothering from my own Mom, and how I look to my friends to replace that, and that is expecting too much, bla bla bla .

I basically felt really lonely and like no one would really miss me if I were to disappear from the face of the earth... I guess this is my "theme" in PPD.

Today I am treading water okay...thank God!
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#122 of 142 Old 02-04-2006, 05:12 PM
 
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Bean i just wanted to say Congrats on your new baby and I know how it feels thinking noone care. I just wanted to say we are here for you.
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#123 of 142 Old 02-07-2006, 06:03 PM
 
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So i've been trying to deny the inevitable and today went to an appt with a real doctor lol. She tried to prescribe me paxil but i told her i was very uncomfy with it,she went out for a minute and informed me i would have to stop breastfeeding with paxil anyway (which to me is no good because bf induces what little good endorphins i have left) because they just issued a new warning that paxil is no longer safe in breastmilk!!! So she gave me some trials of zoloft. I have yet to touch them, as im still entirely fearful about what this will do to my child who has yet to have any drugs enter her sweet little body. Sighhhh why is this such a HARD decision??? And my biggest fear is that in 6 months they will have the results of a new study stating that zoloft is harmful in breastmilk as well. Of course i read a book resently, something called Sleeping days, i think. And it really did push me to lean towards drugs. But im just mumbling and running on now lol! Thanks for listening and hugs to all you other mommas

Loving mom to 2energy.gif ,1jammin.gif , & 1dog2.gif . Surrodaughter 4/09
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#124 of 142 Old 06-01-2006, 01:37 PM
 
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Hi I'm new here... just found the link to this thread on another forum, thank goodness I checked out those old posts! um... let's see.. my beautiful son Andraeus is 14months old now. He's doing nice loooong naps midday (oops did I jinx it?!) and I am just feeling a slip down that slope at the moment.. given an hour or two to myself (yes I count that blessing but..) just gets me thinking and obsessing and comparing myself and my life to people I've idolized over the years.. I think I've been experiencing bipolar symptoms *I cringe at labelling but recently I think I'm maybe accepting that as reality???* for years and years and years and when got pregnant in New Zealand (my Dh is a kiwi and I'm Canadian, we're in Canada now) I was in an antisocial hole as it was, and then I started getting really ragey and stressed and down on myself, my choices bla bla bla. I doubt EVERYTHING when I feel low. Now I've just finished a year of cognitive behavioral therapy and I was going to a PPD group but that got a bit too heavy and "that's-your-depression-talking" gets to me. I'm bf and I really get hung up on the meds thing-- my mum has been on them for EVER it seems and she's still up and down so wtf!?!?!! I'm trying St.John's Wort and Gingko when I feel that slipping feeling, and it does help a tiny bit. Then I'm just left with "I'm nobody except a buddy to my son" I mean now I'm thinking I don't feel like doing anything! The rage has really dissipated since I started drinking organic decaf coffee instead of my daily ONE CUP of regular. My head's a lot clearer. Just on days like today I feel like eating toast and butter and coffee coffee coffee to keep my mood/energy up at least artificially! I have trouble crying.. like the tears just won't come when I need a release. I mostly feel like a good fun creative mum but I'm stuck in my insecurities and low selfesteem and brain chemistry? My mum's around but I don't say much about my moods to her. I have a couple of nice friends who are mamas but I even have trouble getting out to see them. It's more that I'm lonely on the inside.
My Dh is wonderful and so attentive but it's true, how can they really truly understand?? Even if he'd experienced a mood disorder, men deal with it differently. I just feel like I'm hiding from the world, but taking my son out so at least HE can have a social life. Secretly I think some day I want girlfriends but I am so insecure I doubt everything that comes out of my mouth, and imagine that woman-X (who I picture having this *perfect* life) is doing so much better and that makes me want to curl up in a ball..
sorry I've got the raincloud over my head today
But hey, I hear this is the place to vent about it!
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#125 of 142 Old 06-01-2006, 07:55 PM
 
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Welcome, madds5 (kind of weird to type that... but you know what I mean!)

This thread has been dead for a few months, thanks for reviving it. I know I get stuck in my funk and don't come to this forum to post because I'm avoiding it...

I hope things get flowing here again. It really is nice to not be alone with this
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#126 of 142 Old 06-01-2006, 11:15 PM
 
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I'm glad this thread has been revived too! I'm far too : to post much right now but I wanted to say hello!
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#127 of 142 Old 06-02-2006, 12:15 AM
 
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Welcome Madds and you're not alone! I still fight off and on with my ppd and have been in denial til i saw someone revived this thread! Thanks lol

Loving mom to 2energy.gif ,1jammin.gif , & 1dog2.gif . Surrodaughter 4/09
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#128 of 142 Old 06-02-2006, 01:41 PM
 
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Hi!

Oh wow cool! I love responses! And I agree, it's not always about PPD specifically, and after that first year I feel a bit indulgent hanging out at the PPD mum's group... so it's like, for mums who went through/are still drinking the dregs of that emotional messed up time.. where do we fit in? Because technically we're still post-partum (I guess we are for the rest of our lives, yes? It's like, well, I'm either pre/mid/post menstrual ALL the time!) So what kind of help and support do we need and who understands the relapse feeling? Not like it's so great to admit I'm not really past the non-functioning thing. BUT! I am better able to chalk it up to A BAD DAY instead of "Oh no I'm slipping off the end of the mood spectrum" (like when people in movies are hanging off the hand of a huge clock that's really high up--- Back to the Future?)
So, okay, I was having a day of nasty brain chemistry mixed with gross humid weather, and a somewhat high attention needing toddler and coincidentally, my two good mama girlfriends were busy. So today is slightly better.
How are you all? I'd love to hear your stories

Erin
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#129 of 142 Old 06-02-2006, 05:05 PM
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I'll be watching this thread. Just picked up "The Mood Cure" and I'm hoping to find some help there.
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#130 of 142 Old 06-02-2006, 09:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aka mommy
Welcome Madds and you're not alone! I still fight off and on with my ppd and have been in denial til i saw someone revived this thread! Thanks lol
Oh I just read your birth story (the link was on the message I replied to) and HOW SUCCULENT. Sounds absolutely amazing and makes me even more so want to have one for my second (third/fourth/fifth not sure yet Just getting through days giving attention and love and boundaries to One Little Guy right now is enough! But I have the Craving..! Some day when we have a little house. In NZ probably. Wow great that you're all keen to watch this thread.. I've tried Lonely Mamas, Mamas Who Don't Fit, and the PPD threads but this is cool! different. general and specific and whatever we want it to be :

Erin
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#131 of 142 Old 06-07-2006, 10:18 AM
 
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Hi ladies--

Anyone have those mornings where you wake up tired and all you can do is put on Sesame Street and feel really bad because your little one is staring at the screen... and then promise in your mind that you'll take them to the park later for some quality time?? I feel guilty. And like a lazy mum. I don't feel like doing anything except load up on coffee (but that's worse because I get anxious and then REALLY don't want to leave the house!) I went to a Bipolar support group yesterday and if you're feeling the swing from even mild depression to episodes of high-functioning, almost hyper state, I would really recommend finding out about a BP info session. Seems that the most common topic is depression, but when you feel both ends of the spectrum, you might think "Oh, I'm mostly okay" but then dive into the pit of despair and wonder why?? What happened??? I'm not keen on labelling, but at least to know there are other people who have mood swings outside the average ups and downs of life... it's comforting. We're just starting to keep track of patterns, like drawing links between alcohol, period, sleep/lack of sleep, life event triggers, and mood swings. Like making sense of something that doesn't seem to make any sense, kwim?

Erin
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#132 of 142 Old 09-24-2006, 11:26 PM
 
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WEll it seems as if this thread needs some reviving! I just wanted to check in with all you mommas. Are you taking it one day at a time? And LOVING yourselves? Lol. Hugs

My update. Kayleigh will turn 1 next month! I cannot believe it. Im so totally in love with my kids I cannot believe it. Ends up my ppd was not in reality that. Instead I had a problem with my thyroid. It was overactive and caused me all the symptoms of ppd plus a few extra! Thankfully my thryoid is back to normal (it was caused by my pregnancy) and im doing great! But I still wanted to check in on here because even though mine was caused from a different underlying reason, the feelings I felt and the life i was living was hard. We all need support. So i hope you all are doing well. And get those thyroids tested lol Wink

Loving mom to 2energy.gif ,1jammin.gif , & 1dog2.gif . Surrodaughter 4/09
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#133 of 142 Old 09-27-2006, 04:50 PM
 
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Glad you checked in, Aka mommy. I normally post in the EC forum but was cruising around MDC to see what else was here and found the PPD forum.

I was diagnosed with PPD almost 2 months ago - I went 6 months before figuring out what was wrong, and since getting help everything has changed for the better. There are still good days and bad days, but right now the good ones are winning.

Mom of 2 boys: D-Mac (Feb 06) and Ducky (Dec 08)
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#134 of 142 Old 09-27-2006, 06:49 PM
 
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Welcome superflippy and hugs. Im glad you are doing better!

Loving mom to 2energy.gif ,1jammin.gif , & 1dog2.gif . Surrodaughter 4/09
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#135 of 142 Old 10-03-2006, 10:23 AM
 
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Glad to hear the good days are winning superflippy. This forum is wonderful, im sure you will have a great time here (i know i am!)

huggz
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#136 of 142 Old 12-18-2006, 12:43 AM
 
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I know this thread has been quiet for the past couple of months but I'll risk my post going into the void and do it anyway. I'm so glad I found this place. Reading over previous posts, so many things were familiar. Thank you all for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings here. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone. Friends around me aren't much of a support. There's a sort of 'suck it up' and 'you're not a depressive type, are you?' attitude.

Hope it's okay if I just vent for a moment. Sometimes (lately again lots) I feel so inadequate and like a terrible mother, even though I know I am not. I feel worried that I'm going to ruin my child--CERTAIN that I will or that I will harm her. I feel very exhausted and disconnected from people. I keep waiting to feel like I'm going to be happy and have energy again...perhaps it's just the seasonal blues expressing themselves now. I was dancing again (usually one of my favourite activities in the world) in the fall but for the past month I don't have the energy to go. I find myself losing patience with dd when she's tantruming and angry, even though dh and I very consciously chose to encourage her to express her feelings, label them, etc. Sometimes I just lose patience and tell her she doesn't have to cry all the time, or that it isn't nice to scream, etc. Then I get mad at myself and just kind of wallow in fatigue.

It was good to read other posts and remind myself to take the Omega's and Primrose oil and B vitamins and my multi. I've got to cut back on caffeine too (have gotten to 2-3 cups of coffee/day) and reduce sugar.

Thank goodness for this group. I've been feeling so lonely to just express myself to someone sometimes, it's good to know this is here. Thanks for listening.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#137 of 142 Old 12-18-2006, 02:00 AM
 
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welcome barb!
nothing wrong with reviving this thread-- and you are right. you are not alone. this ppd stuff is, sadly, very common.
couple questions~
have you been feeling this way since her birth? what self care have you done in the last 19 mos? do you talk to your DH about this? are there any support groups you can go to?

feel free to post here as often as you like. we are hear to listen. feel free to vent!

You can always PM me also.

As for me, after a terrible first 6 mos, I finally caved and started Zoloft. It's meant the world to me and my family. It's given me back to my son, to my partner. PPD is super scary and can be dangerous. everyone's experience is unique.

hope you find the support you are looking for.....


Miles (December 2005) Pascual (March 2009). P's was my beautiful home waterbirth that healed me from my M's birth. natural birth, midwifery, postpartum depression, babywearing, breastfeeding.
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#138 of 142 Old 12-19-2006, 10:04 PM
 
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Hi Vanessab23,

Thanks for replying to my post. I felt depressed and had anxiety attacks first after dd's traumatic birth until about 5 mos., then again at about 9 mos. I went to a PPD support group at that time that was very helpful, though the S.W. there said she thought I had postpartum stress syndrome. I felt somewhat better once I was back at work again when dd turned 1 year old...but have had some ups and downs since then. Lately I find my monthly cycle is really having a strong affect on me. I get very irritable around ovulation and then exhausted, irritable and grumpy in the two weeks prior to menstruation. Also I have SAD and am affected by the winter darkness. My special sunlamp is out now and I use it daily.

Before dd was born I had a good routine of self-care down (exercise, eating well, meditation, workbooks, seeing friends, etc.) but since dd was born I am having trouble finding the time and balance for myself. I tried meds twice in my life but never made it past taking more than one pill each time because the side effects were so strong for me that it was unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the help meds give tons of women out there. I just feel very uncomfortable with trying it again as I seem extremely sensitive to them and hate feeling even worse when I'm already feeling so low.

Dh used to be very emotionally supportive, but has withdrawn a bit. He simply doesn't have the time or energy to give me the support he used to, and quite frankly I think it's too much for him alone. I think he is used to me being very strong and would like to see me at the head of the ship again.

I need to get back into a routine of self-care....today I took a walk and my vitamins and omega oils. I stayed home to sleep a lot yesterday when I felt sick with a cold. Etc.

After I no longer fit in the one-year postpartum requirement of the PPD support group, I tried telephone counselling with my Employee Assistance Program (free counselling paid for by the employer) but found it really difficult to get the support I needed. The counsellors (at the PPD group too) were anti-AP, all wanted me to stop co-sleeping, it was a mess. I needed support, not to be told to turn my life upside-down and go against my and dh's beliefs! The thing is that the co-sleeping initially was bad for me as I could not sleep and it worsened my mood problems. Over time things got better as we resolved our sleeping problems--just let high needs dd sleep in our bed full time--and got more sleep than trying to get her to sleep in the crib for part of the night.

That's all for the moment. Thanks for listening. It's such a relief just to get it out sometimes.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#139 of 142 Old 03-23-2007, 03:46 AM
 
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Hi, I have a almost 4 year old and a 10 month old. I have felt that I have ppd for a long time and I am positive I had it after my first. I wonder if it really ever went away. Does it just go away? I love my kids but I get so frusterated with my four year old and sometimes with the baby she never will let me put her down with out crying. Not to the point of hurting either of them just to the point that I am aunry and I feel like I am hazy kinda like I am not all here kinda like watching from the side lines or something. But things are definatly easier with her then they were with my first. But I just feel so blahhh all the time. I try and change things like my diet and cutting out caffine but I still feel the same. I get as much sleep as I can and it is a good 6 hours a night at least of course not uninterupted I BF on demand so I am awakened every couple of hours. But I don't want to get out of bed. I think if my kids would allow me I would sleep all day and not because I am tired because I am just lacking the energy for life. I feel like I am running in circles all day everyday. And never accomplish anything. I cannot keep my house cleaned up and cannot keep my kids occupied. My four year old demands so much attention and it is hard to keep him from getting boared. And I feel horrible because we watch alot of tv. get out alot and play outside alot but it still is here. I cannot remeber things latley either I have left my phone and or keys in the store so many time I cannot count. I put things somewhere so I remember where they are and cannot find them. I thought that buying our house would make me happy. I love having our own home but it did not make the depression go away. My inlaws add alot to it. My family adds a little. I am always expected to hold it together and when I do go off track once in a while it comes back to haunt me and someone is mad at me. I don't have a great or awful relationship with my husband right now we are kind of just in an understanding phase. We don't get much time together and he is not a lovey type of person to begin with. Nobody cares about how I feel or what I need but wants me to listen to all of there problems. I think people have just judged me to be a bitch all the time because I am not happy and smily but noone has ever taken an interest to ask if I am ok either. I feel awful because my kids suffer alot of this frustration and I am not all I could be for them. I want more then anything to be a good mom and spend the time with my kids they deserve. I just don't know how to make myself feel "Good" . I don't know if I am willing to take antidepressents I am real freakish about that and BF and we can't really afford it anyways. My husband has to take effexor and it is pricey he has major anger problems and that also makes it hard because I always have to be the one to hold everything together. I don't mind I just wish I could do it and feel normal. I think I will try the fish oil and evening primrose. I welcome any suggestions.
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#140 of 142 Old 03-23-2007, 02:52 PM
 
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Hi mommyjamieoftwo,
to you. I know how hard it is to feel this way. Do you have a circle of friends IRL whom you can hang out with during the day? I know that this really helps me when I am feeling down. The whole tribe idea really does help. Its easier to parent in public and with supportive friends around!
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#141 of 142 Old 03-23-2007, 05:54 PM
 
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I could have just about written your post. I am so sorry you are going thru this. I too have been avoiding an Rx (I actually tried them a couple months ago, but the guilt of passing it on thru my breastmilk made me stop after about 2 days), but now I am to a point where the benefits outweigh the risks. I have been trying a homeopathic remedy but I am not seeing any signs of improvement so at the moment I am not a big fan of alternatives. Just my opinion.

The support of others is probably the biggest thing that can help. It was the support of a great friend who helped me quit smoking several years ago and so I truely believe in a support system. I met my quit buddy online, since I had no one else IRL. And I currently don't have anyone for this situation either so I have been relying on these boards to hear others stories so I don't feel so alone.

Try not to worry about the housework getting away from you or too much TV. I know that is easier said than done. Your health and your kids health is much more important than any of the other stuff. I decided I really needed help when I was putting the housework ahead of my kids and still not managing to anything done. Then getting mad at my 2 year old like it is her fault. What a mess!

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Talk to your dr., a neighbor, family, friends, strangers on this board. I hope things get better for you soon!!!
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#142 of 142 Old 03-24-2007, 06:46 PM
 
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Thanks for the support! I am trying a few things to help. And have already seen a major difference. I am so glad I did not turn to meds.
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