Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Rolling foothills
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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I'm 2 weeks pp and don't think I'm dealing with ppd (I think it's too soon to tell and likely the baby blues and the situation of the week). I could use a little perspective....
I'm pretty much crying all the time or else on the verge of crying. I have a 2 week old son and a 2 y.o old son, who is an angel. Dh is away all this week administering a youth camp 3 1/2 hours away. My parents came to help out. They came 6 days before baby was born and just left this morning, so they've been here almost 3 weeks. At the 2 week mark, my mom was saying how they've been here for 2 weeks, and 2 weeks is just too long. So I felt guilty that they have to be here to help out - they committed to stay until dh was back from camp, and I feel as though they were wishing to be home. My dad was working around the house and yard pretty much the whole time...painting our window ledges and trim, fixing our car, washing all the windows and screens, tending to our gigantic yard, fixing the floor in the basement, and probably some other things that I don't yet know about. My mom was keeping the kitchen clean and preparing most meals. What I really wanted from them was to pay attention to my 2 y.o. more than just a couple hours a day. I wanted them to take care of him 100%, but was unable to tell them. So I feel guilty about that, and I feel guilty because I didn't show enough gratitude for the things they were doing. But I also wanted to take care of ds because I miss the time together with him and I just always want to take care of him. I have been responding to him inappropriately....screaming back at him, dragging him up the stairs by one arm to take him to the bathroom....yesterday I pushed him and yelled at my little angel. Feel terribly guilty about that. I feel guilty when I have to take care of my toddler and have to put baby down - he just cries the entire time until I can pick him up again. Then my toddler cries because he wants me to carry him around. So it seems like one of them is always crying because I can't give them both what they need at the same time.
So yesterday I phoned dh and told him he has to come home....that I am at the end of my rope. I feel guilty about that. Dh says he will come home and pick up our toddler and take him back to camp for the remainder of the week. So he drives home last night and leaves this morning with ds. I feel guilty that dh had to come home to take ds back to camp. I feel guilty because this morning ds asked me if I was going to camp too, and when I told him I was staying home, he cried and said, "I need you to go to camp with me." Talk about a heartbreaker....I feel very guilty about that. In the meantime, I told my parents that they weren't helping me in ways I needed, so if they were so darn homesick, they could just go home. They went out all day yesterday until late late at night. My mom mentioned that she was disappointed - mostly in herself - that she wasn't more help and that she had spent most of the day crying. I feel guilty about that. They left this morning. I could tell my dad was mad and my mom was hurt. Guilty again.
Now it's just me and the baby at home until tomorrow night. I'm sad and lonely and regretting this week and the way I handled myself. I hurt my toddler by not responding with love to him and by sending him away (he will miss me, we've never been apart.....and he is still nursing), I hurt my baby by not being available to soothe him constantly, I hurt my dh by causing him to have to drive 7 hours to p/u ds...giving him more work to do and adding more stress to his plate, I hurt my parents by telling them to just go home because they weren't helping anyways. It was totally my fault because they needed me to tell them what I needed help with, but I was unable to ask continuously for help. I wish I had handled this week better. I don't now how to patch things up with my parents, and I don't think they will come back for a long time again, and if they do, my mom says they are never going to stay for more than 3 days.
Guilt is just pounding me from every direction.