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I can't do this

4K views 48 replies 34 participants last post by  kellid 
#1 ·
I jsut want to give up. I've had enough, enough of these crying children, babies that barely feel like their mine. The guilt, the flashbacks to the nicu and c/s. The feeling that I did/am doingsomething wrong. Th worry about where the $$ is going to come from for my therapy and meds if my disabilty doesn't come through. I worry about the damage I'm doing to my kids. My poor first born, his life has been ripped aprt and turned upside down the past few years. My dd, I actually hit her today
I just couldn't take her kicking me anymore. I feel sad terabile. If I didn't have these 2 babies she'd have someone to take her in the yard in play with her. Its so hard havin all these babies. It so hard an no one is elping, sure dh is, but he disappears for an hour or so every night, visiting the neighbors going to the store etc, plus he goes to work all day. I get angry, I didn't ask for two babies, I never wanted two babies. Then I feel guilty becuase they didn't ask to be born either and what kind of terrible mothers feels like that about her children

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am at my breaking point and dh keeps telling me that I'm doing better than I did after dd was born. I try to talk to him qabout things but he just talks over me about his job. I don't want to here about your work. I really don't. Why don't you take some time to talk to me, tunr the tv, stop running over the neighbors. HELLO I need some help here. When you have to come home from work becuase I'm crying and crying and saying I can't do it anymore, thats not a sign that you should come home and do laundry or the dishes.
Sometimes I sit up at night and think about divorce just so I can get away
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#2 ·


I have suffered from PPD. I know all too well how you feel. I had such serious resentment towards my children for a long time... and it was never them that I really resented, but MYSELF.

I took my frustrations out on them (in ways now still do with the people I love).

What kind of home support system do you have sweetie?
Is there any other MDC mamas that live in your town, near you. I am certain that they would LOVE to come and help you out with your babies. Sometimes just having a friend come over and watch the babies while YOU have mommy time in the tub makes the world of difference.

I wish you the best sweetie, I know you will have many many more awsome post from the mamas on this board.

s
 
#3 ·

I know it sucks. I know it feels awful. I feel it too. But saying that you feel it, coming here to post, it all counts as movement towards improvement.

You are not alone in these feelings and having them does not make you a bad mommy or a bad person. Other than getting professional help (which it sounds like you are hoping to but waiting on for $$ reasons...been there!) the best advice I can give is get through the next five minutes. Set a timer if you have to. Set it 12 times an hour if you have to. Just try to focus on what you can do to get by for the next five minutes then start fresh for the next five.

I am thinking of you and hoping you find some solace here or elsewhere but soon.
 
#4 ·
Hi from your DD club,

I am so sorry you are in the place where you are right now. ANYBODY would feel overwhelmed with twins. I know what it's like to not have help though and am struggling with jut one new baby and a 4 year old. *sigh* baby crying right now. I even gave him a paci just to try to help facilitate a nap so I could spend time with DS. The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel, though. It seems like you will always be in this chaos, but you won't. Things will change with the passage of time, this is what I tell myself too.
 
#7 ·
I don't belong to a church. Almost all of dh's family lives in the same city we do, but they just can't or won't help. My family lives too far away to ba a daily help. My sister can hel on sats for the next couple of weeks but then she'll be working Sats. My mum is just too unreliable plus she only wants to take C

I saw the psyc nurse for meds yesterday and she's very concerned. She says I need help now she said that fromwhat I told her she is worried the ppd might turn into pp psycosis
:

why can't I just be able to enjoy my babies. How can I make dh understand that I NEED help, that WE need help, that him "picking up the slack" just isn't working.
 
#9 ·
What are you doing just to get through today?

I don't know where you live, but as odd as this sounds getting outdoors seemed to help. Just being outside was somewhat of a distraction to everyone. This of course is not meant to patronize the severity of your ppd. I know you are without people to help you right now so I was just trying to think of something
 
#10 ·
I'm glad the nurse is concerned, I am hoping that she will be able to advocate for you as you clearly need someone to step in and help you here. I wish I knew what I could say or do to help you. In hindsight I see I suffered through PPD after the birth of my son. I feel like I know what you mean when you say you can't do it. Try not to put any pressure on yourself for not being able to enjoy your babies, because it REALLY is not your fault. I know I had to drastically lower my standards for a long time--just do what you can (which probably isn't much, but just being awake is something!). Just making it through each day is a huge accomplishment. Keep working with that nurse as she seems to be able to really hear the severity of what you are saying right now. As for your husband, it sounds like he doesn't understand what is going on and maybe you could ask that nurse to talk to him and explain PPD and PP psychosis?
Good luck, mama. I'll be sending healing thoughts your way.
 
#11 ·
Yes, I have obvious self-interest in promoting acupuncture, but post-partum depression is right up acupuncture's alley, and it may not be something you would consider if I didn't suggest it. You have a terrible mind-body-spirit condition which may cause you or your loved ones great harm. Acupuncture is cheap, easy and sometimes amazingly effective in your situation. I wish you all the best and urge you to give it a try, soon.
 
#12 ·
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I also realize in hindsight that I suffered from PPD, no one knew it they just thought I was having a hard time "adjusting" Is there any way your DH could take vacation time to be home and help you? Most men are entitled to some sort of paternity leave is that a possibility? Maybe a helper a couple days a week (hired)? I agree even just a nice bath an hour each day could really help you. I also agree with acudaddy Acupuncture is a great method of treating depression. Also an herbalist may be able to help you. I wish you all the best. Please try to find a mama or two here that live near you to help.
 
#13 ·
I don't have much time before my DS waked up and wants to nurse but I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Twins would be incredibly hard to care for, especially with another young child. I don't have any words of wisdom. I had PPD after my DS' birth. There were definately times I wanted to leave; I felt it would be easier but I knew that it wasn't truly what I wanted. Please keep reaching out, whether it be here or to friends, family, etc. Stay with going to the doctor if that can help you, and if meds will help stick with them. It will get better. YOU CAN DO THIS!
-Susannah

P.S. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to "talk" more in depth.
 
#14 ·
i know how tough it can be and the guilt is the worst, sometimes i get feelings too that i want to get away, i tlhink that;s normal, dont be so hard on yourself, u are a great mama focus on the good times that you have with your kids, i know sometimes it feels like the good outweighs the bad, but keep telling yourself that it's gonna get better, cuz it is. im having really bad times with my ppd and psychosis also, but i know it gets better, give it time. today i yelled at my 2 year old and i feel awful, i have pushed her when i was mad twice, when she was hitting my 10 month old, the anger is part of the package
i really hope you feel better soon mama
 
#15 ·
Also, try to remember, you don't have two babies, you have three! Your dd is still a baby too. I only had two 17 months apart, and it was really really hard. You have twins and a young toddler! And another child!
Sheesh, even without PPD, I think anyone would be at their wit's end. Be gentle with yourself. And harder on your husband; he needs to step up to the plate WAY more. Any MDC moms around who could help?
 
#16 ·
I can really relate to your feelings about your husband. I was really resentful of my DH when he got to escape to work all day. Also, I hated that all his offers of help involved HIM leaving the house ALONE to go do this or that errand. I was thinking hey, why don't YOU take this screaming red faced thing and let ME out of this prison for a bit. It was like his life wasn't really affected by this baby and mine had been turned upsided down. I just wanted to run away. I wish I had been better able to communicate about specifically what it was that I needed from him. It just seemed to take more energy than I had. I cried all the time, told him I was miserable, but he didn't really understand how bad things were for me till I was brutaly honest about how I felt during a visit to my doctor. The doctor helped him understand how serious this was. If you can find the strength, I would really encourage you to let him know exactly how bad it is for you right now. Men sometimes need things spelled out for them. You really sound like you need someone close to you that can take care of you and make sure you are getting the proper help. I mean this in the most sincere way, things will get better. Keep reaching out. We are here for you.
 
#17 ·
thanks mamas, it feels better knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this. Of course it sucks that you do feel this way too. PPD is just so cruel
:

I did get out for a bit today. We vistited my mum and she paid for me to go to supercuts and get a shampoo and trim


my therapist and dh are both working on getting some sort of help. DH came home from work early again today and has taken off until Monday. SIL is here right now to do night duty. DS is with my mother for the night
 
#18 ·
Oh honey, I know this is hard. My children have very similar ages (see my sig) It was VERY difficult for a while. I cried many tears, screamed many bad things, and felt like the worst mama ever. I had no help AT ALL and when I asked for it, people told me I was doing so well I didnt need it
:

Things will get better. I know that seems hard to believe right now but they will. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Azreial
thanks mamas, it feels better knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this. Of course it sucks that you do feel this way too. PPD is just so cruel
:

I did get out for a bit today. We vistited my mum and she paid for me to go to supercuts and get a shampoo and trim


my therapist and dh are both working on getting some sort of help. DH came home from work early again today and has taken off until Monday. SIL is here right now to do night duty. DS is with my mother for the night
i know what you mean, it's nice to know that your not the only one with these feelings, that's what i need to hear sometimes, is that im not the only one.

that's awesome that you got out, and pampered!!
 
#21 ·
I have been where you are. My DD is 9 months and I am so afraid I am going to hurt her in my sleep that I have DH hide the drains to everything in the house and the baby bathtub he takes in his trunk to work (he works the night shift).

One of the best things I did was hire a sitter to be able to escape. It sounds like your DH is kind of trying to escape by going to the neighbors. We found a young girl who watched Dd for only 2 hours, but I felt so much better. We don't have any family around - and my friends, while I love them, are just not capeable of taking care of DD (not baby people, never had kids or baby sat before).

Also - like someone said. Get outside. Take a walk to the park - lay out a blanket for the little ones while it is still nice out.

I understand where you are coming from. I began joking that I am like the mother off Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya sisterhood, only I can't afford alchol.


Also - I had to have a down to earth talk with DH about everything, because men, they just don't get it.
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Azreial
thanks mamas, it feels better knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this. Of course it sucks that you do feel this way too. PPD is just so cruel
:

I did get out for a bit today. We vistited my mum and she paid for me to go to supercuts and get a shampoo and trim


my therapist and dh are both working on getting some sort of help. DH came home from work early again today and has taken off until Monday. SIL is here right now to do night duty. DS is with my mother for the night
This is great. You need people taking care of you right now. When had PPD/PPP and started to stabilize a little on meds, it was so great to have my sister give me a new sassy short haircut and my mom would take me and the baby out to lunch.
You are moving ahead just by having some support around and getting help. I literally had to take things 1 minute at a time and try to just breathe/eat/sleep. Hang in there.....this will pass even though it is torture right now. You will get better. Keep things as simple as possible in your life right now and please do not expect too much out of yourself.

Love,
Jennifer
s
 
#24 ·
well things have gotten worse, dh blew up at my last night and says he doesn't want me here anymore. even after he calmed down he's still saying that he doesn;t think here is the best place for me
: I'm just barely keeping it together right now and he's trying to pretens everything is ok. My therapist came over todat to talk to both of us and he was still saying that and the he worries about the safety of the kids while he's at work
:
 
#25 ·
Azriel, what do you think? Does he need to be concerned about the safety of you and the children? It sounds like some of his concerns are valid, but this dosn't mean failure of ANY kind on your part. If that is truly the case, you would rather deal with this now in an awkward and painful way, rather than later if there were potential for there to be physical harm done to you or your kids. Is your husband thinking you need inpatient care? Or is he thinking you should go stay with family elsewhere? What is his plan to help deal with this? I *know* reading your posts how much you love your kids and you will do WHATEVER it takes to keep everyone safe until this time passes (and it will, I truly believe you will be healed with time, love, therapy, support and the right medication). I'm so sorry for the time you are having. Please check in and keep us posted.
 
#26 ·
I don't think the kids are in any danger. I have mild ptsd from a bad inpatient experiece a few years ago, that's really flaring up from the c/s and Dominic's surgery a couple of weeks ago. So really the hospital would just make things worse in myt case. It not just me saying that ny therpist says the same thing and told my dh too.

Where does he want me to go? Honestly I have no idea, my mother doesn' even have a permant place she drifts from house to house with an air mattress, by choice. He claims now that hedoesn't want me to leave but he's still saying that he doesn't think this is the best place for me.

he took care of all 4 kids for an hour yestersay while I was doing something and he called e to come help him. He said its too hard to do it himself. Really? You think? Maybe thats why I'm stressed all the time
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