By confess, I mean, I just need to state what is reality. I was so hoping that this time would be different, but it appears that I am falling into the pit of PPD again. I had such a scary experience after DS1's birth with suicidal thoughts that I wanted to head off any chances of it happening again, so I started on a very small dosage of Zoloft as soon as B was born. It was the same thing that helped me after H's birth during the worst period of time, but it appears that it's not doing the trick this time. After visiting with my OB, I increased the dosage to 50 mg from 25 mg two weeks ago, and still no relief, it's actually getting worse. I called today to make an app't to go in and visit with him, I respect him very much and he is a HUGE believer in listening to your body and trusting yourself, and I really think he's going to be helpful and respectful of my thoughts and feelings, because he has been so far...but I'm just feeling really crummy.
I'm constantly annoying and irritated at DS1 and H, I cannot stand it if ONE thing in my house is out of place, I feel rage and anger constantly (although I've been able to mostly hold in my expressions of it except for a few times, so I don't feel as if I've done damage to my family), I hve zero interest in eating, I'm not sleeping well even when I have a chance to, and I just feel totally numb. I want to disappear. My mom gave me a GC for a full-body massage that I booked for today, and I don't even want to go to that, and usually getting a massage is like Christmas for me. I can't get anything done, but I'm constantly pissed that nothing is getting done. I'm furious at DH all the time, can't stand being touched, don't want to talk to him or anyone else, even my precious DS1 who has always been the light of my life.
With DS1, I *never* had thoughts of hurting him, just myself, but this time, I get so frustrated sometimes when B is crying that I envision him accidentally flying out of my arms when I rock him and hitting his head and being quiet. I have no urges to hurt him, it's more like a "if an accident like that happened, I think I would feel relief". Poor babe can't help it, and I feel terrible that I can't have more patience with him like I did with DS1.
B has RSV and just spent 3 days in the hospital, so I know that I'm also processing the trauma of him being poked and prodded and screaming, crying not able to sleep or hardly eat, but that doesn't make me feel better.
Thanks for letting me get it out...like I said, OB's office is supposed to call for an app't today and DH knows I'm struggling, so now I have to "activate" the support system I have in place for the occasion, like my mom and a few friends that I promised I would tell if I felt this way, after last time. The catch-22 is that when you feel this way, the LAST thing you want to do is talk or anything, and that's what I have to do in order to let them know how I feel so I can get support.