Just need to confess - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 9 Old 11-29-2006, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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By confess, I mean, I just need to state what is reality. I was so hoping that this time would be different, but it appears that I am falling into the pit of PPD again. I had such a scary experience after DS1's birth with suicidal thoughts that I wanted to head off any chances of it happening again, so I started on a very small dosage of Zoloft as soon as B was born. It was the same thing that helped me after H's birth during the worst period of time, but it appears that it's not doing the trick this time. After visiting with my OB, I increased the dosage to 50 mg from 25 mg two weeks ago, and still no relief, it's actually getting worse. I called today to make an app't to go in and visit with him, I respect him very much and he is a HUGE believer in listening to your body and trusting yourself, and I really think he's going to be helpful and respectful of my thoughts and feelings, because he has been so far...but I'm just feeling really crummy.

I'm constantly annoying and irritated at DS1 and H, I cannot stand it if ONE thing in my house is out of place, I feel rage and anger constantly (although I've been able to mostly hold in my expressions of it except for a few times, so I don't feel as if I've done damage to my family), I hve zero interest in eating, I'm not sleeping well even when I have a chance to, and I just feel totally numb. I want to disappear. My mom gave me a GC for a full-body massage that I booked for today, and I don't even want to go to that, and usually getting a massage is like Christmas for me. I can't get anything done, but I'm constantly pissed that nothing is getting done. I'm furious at DH all the time, can't stand being touched, don't want to talk to him or anyone else, even my precious DS1 who has always been the light of my life.

With DS1, I *never* had thoughts of hurting him, just myself, but this time, I get so frustrated sometimes when B is crying that I envision him accidentally flying out of my arms when I rock him and hitting his head and being quiet. I have no urges to hurt him, it's more like a "if an accident like that happened, I think I would feel relief". Poor babe can't help it, and I feel terrible that I can't have more patience with him like I did with DS1.

B has RSV and just spent 3 days in the hospital, so I know that I'm also processing the trauma of him being poked and prodded and screaming, crying not able to sleep or hardly eat, but that doesn't make me feel better.

Thanks for letting me get it out...like I said, OB's office is supposed to call for an app't today and DH knows I'm struggling, so now I have to "activate" the support system I have in place for the occasion, like my mom and a few friends that I promised I would tell if I felt this way, after last time. The catch-22 is that when you feel this way, the LAST thing you want to do is talk or anything, and that's what I have to do in order to let them know how I feel so I can get support.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#2 of 9 Old 11-29-2006, 04:52 PM
 
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The catch-22 is that when you feel this way, the LAST thing you want to do is talk or anything, and that's what I have to do in order to let them know how I feel so I can get support.
As much as you don't WANT to, it sounds like you already know you NEED & HAVE to.... I'm glad that you are at least recognizing the signs, and have taken the steps to relieve it.. I hope your OB can work with you in finding the right treatment. My dd had RSV @ 3 months old, and was in the hospital for 2days, and I vividly remember how hard that was for me to process..my heart goes out to you sweetie..I hope you can find a balance somewhere. Force yourself to get that massage..it might be hell making yourself go, but I'll bet you'll feel better when it's done! Please surround yourself with supportive people as much as you can. Isolation, either physical or emotional, will only worsen your ppd.


*hugs*
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#3 of 9 Old 11-29-2006, 05:11 PM
 
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Oh my, what stress! No wonder you're feeling awful.

Just a note: 25 mg is a baby dose. 50 mg is a baby dose. MOST woment with PPD need somewhere over 100mg. I don't say that to scare you, but to tell you that you've got a LONG way to go before declaring that Zoloft isn't working. (I know women on 200+ mg.) You're under more stress this time, your body's been "down this road" before and might take a higher dose to get out.

Continue to do good self care as much as you can. Get help. Put your son down. Remember that those thoughts are just thoughts. The fact that you recognize them as scary thoughts. If you didn't, I'd worry. (They're called "intrusive thoughts" for what it's worth, and they too, often require a higher dose to get under control.) It's your mommy hormones/anxieties run amok.

Have you had counseling? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can work wonders for this kind of PPD symptom too.

Hang in there!!

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
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#4 of 9 Old 11-29-2006, 05:22 PM
 
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typing one handed while baby chews on my fingers [teething].

just wanted top send hugs from a mamma that's been there.

I'm on 150 mg zoloft and my 3 mo old nursling is doing fine...

pm me if you ever want to chat
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#5 of 9 Old 11-30-2006, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you mamas so much, from the bottom of my heart. I know I don't have to tell you how much it means to me that you responded, I know we've all BTDT and know how much it can help when other mamas take the time to respond.

I talked to my sis (a pediatrician) last night about my struggle and she also mentioned that she routinely prescribes 100-200 mg to her teen ped patients, so she suggested that I talk to my OB about increasing my dosage to 100 immediately to see if it helps. I know that Zoloft is generally considered the best med for BFing out there, and that would make me feel much better if I were able to stay on something that is considered safer for the nursling rather than try something with potentially more risks.

After posting here, I let my DH read it, and just talking about it makes me feel better. He's really good about not judging, so I can talk about the "intrusive thoughts" w/o feeling like he's going to rip the baby out of my arms and damn me as a potential Andrea Yates, KWIM?

Oh, and ETA: counseling has definitely been a big help for me, I have a great therapist that I was seeing b/f the baby was born, but haven't been back to see her with all the upheaval in the routine. I know it would be helpful, so I need to just get out and do it, but I've used being busy and having DH's job change his schedule and being in financial straits and any number of other things as an excuse to not go. She's a really good rational behavioral school of thought counselor, so I know she would be able to help. I'll get on it, now that you have given me a small push in that direction, I know it'll be good for me.

Thanks again, ladies, you've been a huge help.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#6 of 9 Old 11-30-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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I'm so glad folks were able to help.

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#7 of 9 Old 11-30-2006, 07:53 PM
 
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oh, danielle you really spoke to me-- your thoughts about "dropping" B and finally he'll be quiet. Sounds like me with Miles before I got on zoloft. (except that I usually wanted to throw him against the wall to MAKE SURE he'd shut up, none of this "accidental dropping" LOL)
oh god, that was a joke! is this the wrong forum for humor??

anyway, so glad you have the support. please keep us updated so we know you are on the road to recovery, on the road back to being the mama you know you can be.

Miles (December 2005) Pascual (March 2009). P's was my beautiful home waterbirth that healed me from my M's birth. natural birth, midwifery, postpartum depression, babywearing, breastfeeding.
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#8 of 9 Old 12-08-2006, 07:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by daniedb View Post
After posting here, I let my DH read it, and just talking about it makes me feel better. He's really good about not judging, so I can talk about the "intrusive thoughts" w/o feeling like he's going to rip the baby out of my arms and damn me as a potential Andrea Yates, KWIM?

Having a supportive DH will make all the difference! Amen to all the men out there that step up and support their wives. He sounds like a keeper!

Mama to my beautiful Ana Carolina (2/07), Isabel Cristina (6/10), and #3 on the way in August 2013!

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#9 of 9 Old 12-10-2006, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Awww, you guys are awesome. I'm up to 100mg of Zoloft per my OB's direction, and while I'm getting some relief from the numbed feeling (I feel engaged and caring again), I'm still dealing with some overwhelming anxiety. I have been able to isolate most of the instances of it, and I also have undergone another pretty traumatic experience this week with my mother, so I'm really torn between what's a normal reaction to a life in transition with upheaval, and an unusual amount of anxiety, KWIM?

Anyway...just an update to say that I'm feeling progress, but having another appointment with OB this week, AND seeing a psychiatrist for the first time to talk about med options. Thanks, ladies...gotta run, will check in later to answer other posts.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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