I'm sorry you are feeling this way, not sure about meds, therapists etc. I had ppd for about a year and have had depression most my life. I've never taken meds or seen a therapist, couldn't afford the latter and didn't want the former tho they do help some people. When life is just an unhappy experience I think we can percieve our problems as being way bigger than they really are and the endless bad feelings just keep it all going,no end in sight.I know severe problems so I'm not undermining how you are feeling, blieve me, no way, just things get out of context in our minds.I just found the endless stressing never helped. I've been rock bottom and things don't SEEM so bad now, I practised some kind of talking to myself through a lot of anxiety, essential to calming down, realised I couldn't fix everything, had to just get on but not in such a miserable state. Talking to myself really helped, comforting myself, not easy I found, cos I know I don't like myself, feel I'm not worth liking etc,hate myself for past mistakes,telling myself yes you can answer the phone, go into the shop, deal with stuff without losing it on some sort of mental level, it's like scared about whats going to happen if I can't handle/contain these feelings anymore, in the end I was like 'bring it on, I don't care anymore' and the fear can be controlled a bit. Don't know your age but my depression started to ease a lot at age 35 or so, I also got rid of all the crappy people in my life too and faced my substance abuse issues, thinking back it got harder than ever before facing it all. Environmental factors are a biggie imo.I have addiction issues I guess, tobacco, sugar and dope, at least its not alcohol etc anymore, I feel like my fears are always there, lurking and I don't even know what I fear any more cos I've been through the shit now and have to live with it all. Recently tho I feel persecuted again and checking under beds
etc, always looking over my shoulder even tho I've been on my own for years now. That'll be the years of domestic violence probly. I get sad thinking how mucked up my life has been and how it could have been happier. I strive to make my dc's lives full of good stuff and love tho and it's exhausting but way worth it.You can be happier tho you may not feel you can be,it is so possible however you decide to get throught this. I would try healing through diet, fish oils, herbs,swimming whatever suits you, try just being, sitting, meditating, not worrying, not stressing, yep it's hard but you need to be good to yourself and care for yourself. I think I faced my demons.You could investigate meds, I seriously did not give them a thought except 'no way they aren't getting me on that stuff' BUT some people have had results, maybe get a break from the depression,get back on your feet. I don't think they will treat the root cause but I know nothing. You need to build your self-esteem and make those moments where you feel a bit more content last, I find every day a huge struggle mentally but nothing like 20 yr ago when I cried all day and was clinical I think. Now I just feel empty but strive to rid myself of useless 'needs' like getting wasted (to feel happier)and be positive around my dc. I'm skint till Monday now, same crap every week but we got food, some heat, a roof and lots of love and books, I used to do food skips and saved a packet, I used to live in a 2-person tent with my babies to escape violence, done a fair bit of homeless.I hope you get through the week ok and get some food and feel bit better, maybe make plans to see a doc or something you feel suitable,check out groups for depression and get involved, maybe talk with others in the same boat, don't close yourself off if that is not helpful, reckon therapists can be a ridiculous rip-off financially and maybe otherwise.