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#1 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know where else to put this but I need to write it because I see so many people posting on various sites about the selfishness of those who try to commit suicide and how could they? and these kind of things. It makes me feel awful inside.

I spend most days battling suicidal thoughts. I have no reason for them to be there, they just are. I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have a DH who has also attempted suicide (so I know how it is to be on the other side as well).

I didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this, I have done everything I can to not be like this, and as of yet, no cigars. It looks like it was just the way I was born. It doesn't matter how happy I am, I still get these thoughts intruding throughout the day. It doesn't matter what antidepressants or combiination of antidepressants I am on, the thoughts still manage to slip through the net.

They cause me a great deal of pain, angst and sadness that I cannot be like other people and sometimes, suicide seems like a good idea just to rid me of my thoughts.

People often say 'wee never knew they were planning to do this'...... I never planned to attempt suicide, I didn't wake up one day and think 'this is a good idea, I am going to do this on such and such a day and do it this way'....... Every attempt I made was spur of the moment (probably a good reason for the failure rate I have).

While one of these moments is happening, i think that I am not being selfish at all, these people would be so much better off without me, I am so worthless, whats the point? Having been there and done that, I know that these people aren't doing these things because they are being selfish, there is so much more going on than that.

When my DH attempted suicide, it made me very sad, but all I could think was that if he is in that much pain, maybe he is better off????? He pulled through and I am glad that it didn't work out the way he wanted, but I would never have viewed him as selfish if he had succeeded, but maybe thats becausee of my own experience with my personal demons.

I don't attempt suicide anymore, these days I recognise thesee feelings as just being a part of me, something I have to learn to live with even though it is so incredibly hard some days, when there are not only the feelings but the images of me dead, the thoughts of how I would like my funeral to be etc etc.......... Its just so hard.

Like I said, I really didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this and I have done eeverything I can to not be like this, so I guess it just really upsets me when people who haven't ever been where I am can judge someone like me. Until you spend a day in my shoes, or the shoes of somebody like me, please don't judge me.

i just hope this post doesn't offend anyone.
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#2 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 08:43 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not respond. I have been there. I have had a few suicide attempts-- one came very close to being successful. I know how pervasive the thoughts are, and I know there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to make you feel differently. People who have never suffered from depression do not seem to understand that you can't just "snap out of it" or "cheer up". It is sad to hear comments like those. I have a friend who has suffered from depression her whole life whose dad does not believe in depression. She gets these kind of comments as well. I think what has helped me most is to constantly keep myself inspired, have something to strive for. The thoughts are the most pervasive it seems when I feel I am of no use to anyone. HTH, hang in there!

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#3 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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Another reason not to follow through with suicide. Children of people who have committed suicide have a very high rate of committing suicide themselves.

I think you should keep trying. Keep trying new medicines, accept that you're depressed, but go to talk therapy, try to go about your day somehow. I've only been depressed once for awhile and I remember how overwhelming it was. I'm not trying to trivialize what you're going through at all. When I came out of the depression, it was an amazing feeling.

Write down a list of things to live for. Put it on an index card and keep that index card in your pocket at all times. Go see a psychiatrist and keep trying new psychiatrists until one feels right. Get some sun, go to a tanning bed if you can.

I'm sure that other people will have better advice and good numbers to call. I hope you listen and try some things, even if they seem like they won't work.


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#4 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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I am sorry you are feeling so down and I for one don't think it's 'selfish' to commit suicide. I think it's desperataly sad that people feel so down that they do it. I suffer depression and have thought about killing myself many times. I am not worthless even tho I think it and neither are you. Yes the intruding thoughts are awful and I am now trying to accept my darker thoughts/times/self. I was never going to be one of those happy people, life has always been a struggle, fear still visits me daily, I don't have an answer to these problems but I try not to beat myself up about it any more( I'm 40).There's nothing wrong with the sort of person you are, you are an individual and your thoughts and feelings, however dark,sad, desperate are valid and important. I feel the fear of these feelings is of relevance, I still freak every day when it comes over me, I reckon it will never go away but as we get older it gets easier, hopefully, to deal with. I have just got used to it now. We need support and recognition of these feelings not stuff like' it's bad to feel that way' but real help in dealing with why we feel like this. I dunno,something doesn't sit right with me in this life, never has and internalising it is hard, I think there are questions/feelings that we are just not meant to have according to society so there is not much feedback or support. I think suicide is awful terrible tragedy, perhaps indeed a release for the poor folk who go there, I hope they get release anyway,it is very painful to think of someone feeling so alone and depressed as if no-one cares about them at all that is the real selfishness of this world, if only they could know people do care even if we don't know them or will never meet and could get the help they need to stay positive and work it through but I respect someone's choice to do what they see fit but I doubt anybody commits suicide out of selfishness more like desperation. Learning the tools of survival can take some time but it's worth it.
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#5 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 09:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thats just it though....

i get sun, I have tried numeerous medications and keep trying new ones, I have been sectioned, have tried numerous counsellors and psychiatrists, I exercise daily and while I do have days when I feel dedpressed, I am actually not depressed (I did write another post not so long ago about my extreme mood swings I can be very high for a while or very very low), but it doesn't matter how I am feeling, I still get these thoughts. As of yet, over 13 years f trying to find answers, no one has been able to come up with any.

I have had a years break away from psychiatric things because I needed it. I got fed up of people telling me how I was feeling despite the fact that I know how I am feeling and I am able to articulate it (ie I say I am irritable, they say I am anxious, I know how anxious feels and I definitely wasn't anxious, I was irritable.... Otherwise You are feeling depressed, no, I feel really, really happy today, no, you are feeling depressed, no, I feel fine). However, I heading back to psychiatry again for a last ditch attempt at finding out what is causing this.

Seriously I am not depressed. I havee had a very up and down week with my moods but having been depressed before, I know for a fact that I am not depressed now, this is something else.

Today, I could have skipped to the moon back because of the joy in my heart, it has been a beautiful, my children have had a great day, I have been out and about, done my exercise, planning my future and enjoyed being alive but it hasn't stopped the thoughts suddenly creeping in. I have been smiling, laughing and joking, something I am quite incapable of doing when I am depressed.

I even have memories of being in kindergarted aged about 3 or 4 with these feeelings, I just didn't understand them then. I have never, ever felt 'right'........ I have always felt kind of broken on the inside. (I really hope future employers don't read this lol cos I really need a job but I also need to express how I feel tee hee hee).

I just hope my appointmeent for psychiatry comes through soon to see if we can get any closer to finding out what is going on.

I would just like to add though, that even though I have these feelings, I can happily say for now, that suicide is not on my agenda. I am stronger now, its just that sometimes I need a little peace but hopefully they will find meds that will help me with that.

With a DH that loves me and 2 wonderful DDs, I have everything tto live for. I could just do without these thoughts and feelings.

Thankyou.
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#6 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 09:05 PM
 
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I didn't attempt suicide, but have been very close to it at times during my life. While pregnant I wrote a suicide note and was going to do it, I just hadn't figured out which method to try. I didn't do it however, because of my family, especially my mom. If I didn't have people that I loved and cared about me, I would have killed myself. Sometimes the pain is so great you just can't stand it. I am glad I didn't do it though, I was worried that if I tried it and didn't succeed that I would hurt my baby, which also kept me from doing it, since no method is foolproof. I didn't want to hurt him because of my choice. I figured out that if I still felt this way after he was born I could do it then. I went thru some postpartum mood swings where I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to be alone, but it felt 'different' somehow. Like weirdly enough it was like I couldn't control my emotions but I didn't feel like I was out of control. I didn't feel suicidal that I could remember.

It is possible that you have another illness instead of post partum depression though, you could have a type of schizophrenia.

Please look below for more information or help. Please don't give up, your kids don't want to grow up without you. Me, I wouldn't trust anyone to raise my son.


American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
888.333.AFSP (2377) (This is not a crisis hotline.)
www.afsp.org

Metanoia Communications
www.metanoia.org/suicide

Suicide Hotlines.com
800.SUICIDE (784.2433)
www.suicidehotlines.com

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#7 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by forthebest View Post
I dunno,something doesn't sit right with me in this life, never has and internalising it is hard, I think there are questions/feelings that we are just not meant to have according to society so there is not much feedback or support.
Thats part of what I feel, not that its wrong for me to be alive but I am not supposed to be here at this moment in time. I was born at the wrong time, in the wrong place and have never been able to settle into life or find my way and everything has been a battle. Its so weird but few people understand what I am saying lol.

Or maybe, if is true that we have past lives, maybe I just never gave up my old one, maybe I am just forever caught somewhere between this time and that time (this kinda makes sense to me even though I am not really into this kinda thing).
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#8 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 09:11 PM
 
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Tireesix, your last post makes so much sense, I also feel these feelings when I am not depressed, the moodswings, the intruding thoughts, never feeling quite right! You are not alone! Thankyou for acknowledging and articulating this stuff cos I am very confused with these feelings too and it is upsetting and unnerving and I also have much to live for, 3 amazing dc and a love of many things. I hope things improve for you, it gets very wearing dealing with this.
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#9 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 09:24 PM
 
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Tammy that is so awful I am glad you are feeling a bit better, dreadful to feel that bad, I'm so glad you made it through that. Tireesix I can relate to what you are saying, yes, past life maybe. I go from feeling very powerful to really nothingy. Dreadful moodswings, very fearful and panicky, then blissful joy,so stressful.I often feel I was around a long or not so long time ago or maybe even the future. I used to feel quite other worldly as a teenager, thinking stuff before it happens etc, very connected with nature, only happy in very green places with no-one else around,totally disconnected from the modern world,the magnetic poles played havoc with me for years, physically very frightening, at least to me anyway. I also would like some answers, am fed up with the daily terror of feeling so disconnected.
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#10 of 30 Old 01-14-2008, 10:24 PM
 
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Forthebest, thanks sweetie!

It's funny how you and Tireesix mentioned the previous life thing. When I was going through the mental struggle whether to really do it this time or not, the thought popped into my head, "I wonder if I killed myself in one of my past lives". I then started considering that maybe I had, and that is why I still have these feelings about it at present. Like I have to 'get past' my former actions, or karma or whatever.

I had originally come to post some things I had found, it's a quick quiz on schizophrenia and bipolar feelings, sort of an analysis to help find out if you have the affliction or not. Hope it may be of some help.

Here they are if you are interested: http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/schizophrenia.htm

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#11 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 05:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Awwwww Tammy, hugs to you.

Thankyou for the tests, I always score high on bi polar (which I haven't been diagnosed with but being reasessed soon so we shall see).
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#12 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:38 AM
 
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My boyfriend killed himself ten years ago, I tried and luckily failed. I hear you on these thoughts, they come and go. I know I will never act upon them, but they are there.

One thing that has made it a little more bearable for me is to accept these thoughts, feelings and images. I know, as do you, that we have so much to be here for, and who knows what happens when you die right?

I now let these feelings in, study them and somehow it has made it easier to cope with, they are coming less and less. When I freak out about them and think "Oh my god I am a total nut case" it gets worse, by accepting these thoughts as just thoughts, it seems to take away their power.

Hope I explained that properly



Keep posting, getting it all out is good.

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#13 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 12:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tireesix View Post
I don't know where else to put this but I need to write it because I see so many people posting on various sites about the selfishness of those who try to commit suicide and how could they? and these kind of things. It makes me feel awful inside.

I spend most days battling suicidal thoughts. I have no reason for them to be there, they just are. I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have a DH who has also attempted suicide (so I know how it is to be on the other side as well).

I didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this, I have done everything I can to not be like this, and as of yet, no cigars. It looks like it was just the way I was born. It doesn't matter how happy I am, I still get these thoughts intruding throughout the day. It doesn't matter what antidepressants or combiination of antidepressants I am on, the thoughts still manage to slip through the net.

They cause me a great deal of pain, angst and sadness that I cannot be like other people and sometimes, suicide seems like a good idea just to rid me of my thoughts.

People often say 'wee never knew they were planning to do this'...... I never planned to attempt suicide, I didn't wake up one day and think 'this is a good idea, I am going to do this on such and such a day and do it this way'....... Every attempt I made was spur of the moment (probably a good reason for the failure rate I have).

While one of these moments is happening, i think that I am not being selfish at all, these people would be so much better off without me, I am so worthless, whats the point? Having been there and done that, I know that these people aren't doing these things because they are being selfish, there is so much more going on than that.

When my DH attempted suicide, it made me very sad, but all I could think was that if he is in that much pain, maybe he is better off????? He pulled through and I am glad that it didn't work out the way he wanted, but I would never have viewed him as selfish if he had succeeded, but maybe thats becausee of my own experience with my personal demons.

I don't attempt suicide anymore, these days I recognise thesee feelings as just being a part of me, something I have to learn to live with even though it is so incredibly hard some days, when there are not only the feelings but the images of me dead, the thoughts of how I would like my funeral to be etc etc.......... Its just so hard.

Like I said, I really didn't ask to be like this, I don't want to be like this and I have done eeverything I can to not be like this, so I guess it just really upsets me when people who haven't ever been where I am can judge someone like me. Until you spend a day in my shoes, or the shoes of somebody like me, please don't judge me.

i just hope this post doesn't offend anyone.
I went through the same thing when I was on ZOloft - thoughts like if I do this now (kill my child and myself) then I won't have to worry about coping with these thoughts for the rest of my life.

Have you tried Omega 3? A recent study showed that for those with bipolar disorder 14 tabs of Omega 3 a day was enough to basically cure their problems. Omega 3 depletes tryptophan thereby lowering your serotonin which you need if you have taken antidepressants.

Also megadoses of Vitamin C and also take more Vitamin B - if you are on meds your body is being depleted of these.

Suicidal thinking is a known effect of antidepressants. See www.drugawareness.org for help getting off.
Please do not stop cold turkey.
I hope you feel better.
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#14 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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Also please make sure whatever your do (your tag antibiotis make me woozy) that you are not mixing certain medications, this can lead to serotonin syndrome which can be fatal (Anna Nicole). Cold meds with dextromethorphan and most pain killers will interact and shoot your serotonin levels even higher. Also migraine meds, some antibiotics, Tamiflu, etc.

MY SIL used to be taking Concerta and Wellbutrin, just one dose of Tylenol cold was enough to make her feel drunk and then pass out, an early sign of serotonin syndrome. Also nutrasweet is an SSRI so avoid that.
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#15 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 12:56 PM
 
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I don't have anything useful to add but just wanted to offer you support. I've had bouts of persistant suicidal thoughts and know how difficult it can be. The last thing you need to add to that is guilt. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to live.
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#16 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 01:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thankyou all.......

I have suffered thses thoughts whether on antidepressants or not, so I am sure the antidepressants aren't causing them but could be making them worsee. My GP is currently weaning me off my current Anti Ds so wwe can explore some other drugs as well.

I shall look into the Omega oils so thankyou for that!!!!!
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#17 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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: i think i understand how you feel. i have had suicidal thoughts for much of my life, i think starting around when i was 12. i have never seriously tried although i was a self harmer for quite a few years. i'm on medication and while that has really helped the intrusive thoughts towards my child i still have a lot of suicidal thoughts. i don't want to do it and i have no plans to but it's something i think about a lot. i get them several times a day at least, whether i'm feeling depressed or not. i'm not really sure how to articulate what i want to say but your posts definately resonated with me.

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#18 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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If it gives you any hope (and I hope that it does) I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time. I attempted suicide at age 19 during an episode of delusions and paranoia that was the culmination of a serious depression. For YEARS afterwards I would always think about jumping of bridges, swerving in front of oncoming trucks, things like that.

I also never felt that I had dealt with, or found a cause for, the psychiatric problems I had. It took me years to come to terms with it all. I'm 33 now and I just don't have those thoughts anymore. I think it's partly just learning to accept who I am, that has allowed me to move on from feeling 'on the edge' all the time.

I also have found omega 3 oils to help a lot. You do need large doses though, I put 2 tablespoons of flax oil in a smoothie every morning and also try to eat fish and grass fed beef whenever I can. I also find that taking plenty of vitamins (B and C mainly) and cod liver oil, plus exercise, are helpful. I think that doing these things are part of loving oneself, and that is the most important thing.


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#19 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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Your post really has me thinking. I don't normally read this board, well I never have actually. I automatically think suicide=selfish. I think that more so stems from what my mother told me about my father's suicide
Quote:
it's selfish, it's just plain chickensh!t
than me finding my own opinion on it. My dad suffered for years with addiction, when he seeked help they basically laughed in his face and told him he wasn't addicted. I truley believe his life ending was a good thing, I believe he is at peace now, and without his life ending mine could have been so much worse.

I've also tried to kill myself, twice. Ended up in a mental hospital at the ripe ol' age of 14. I never got great care as far as counseling and finding the right drugs. Self injury seemed to be my "treatment." It's only now that I realize I have a severe anxiety problem (seeing dr Feb 8th). I also stuggle almost daily with these terrible thoughts that manage to creep in. If I'm gone then I wouldn't be around to screw up my kids, my husband wouldn't have to take my needy phone calls while at work, etc, etc.

Part of me says suicide is terribly selfish, and another part says it's equally selfless. The sacrifice that is being made for other people. Thankfully I now know to talk about it, and get it out before it does become something that I want to act upon. I want to offer you . Please know that I don't think you're selfish for your thoughts Katie. It's obivious from previous posters, that there are kind people out there that get it. Thank goodness for them!

I hope I don't offend or hurt with this post.

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#20 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thankyou everyone for being so understanding, thankyou tto those who have let me know that I am not alone and not completely crazy and thankyou to those who choose to look at it from both sides.

Today has been a bad day, I am about to go take some herbal calming tablets, forgotten what they are but I need them today. I hate taking anything until I have completed a days exercise which I am totally obsessive about these days. It helps with the feelings. I work myself hard too lol (60 squats, 60 crunches, 2 hours stepping, 60 hamstring lifts, 2 lots of callanetic exercises, 60 press ups, 60 dips, stretches and loadsa hand gripping exercises plus using a power ball, I am currently training for a particular job, I just hope after all this hard work I actually get it).

Why was today bad??? Intrrusive thoughts, incredibly irritable, I had to keep moving, I am so tired right now, I have barely sat down today because each time I sit down I need to get up again, I guess I am feeling twitchy...... Yesterday I was on a high, today I am like this. I just cannot keep up with it, I cannot relax with it because no matter how hard I try to control it, it just doesn't happen. I feel like a yo yo. Exercise is the only way to escape...... Damn, I am being requested lol...........
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#21 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:05 PM
 
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I've also had thoughts like this all of my life. I never told anyone. DH found out when dd1 was born.
I still have horrible intrusive thoughts, but not like I did before I went on meds.

mama to my two girls 12/04 5/07 and #3 due in May/June
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#22 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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On serotonin syndrome-- it is dangerous and it sucks! I have been hospitalized with it twice, almost died both times. I can not take anything but the lowest doses of antidepressents, no matter how depressed I get. My first symptoms were twitching and stuttering, neither of which I do normally. Dr said it was just a side affect that I had to accept if I didn't want to feel depressed. Since you are not depressed, I also recommend getting off anti-depressents. There are drugs out there that deal with suicidality without depression. Make sure your HCP knows you are not depressed, because most will assume you are depressed if you feel suicidal, since they tend to go hand in hand. You may want to be tried on antipsychotics (I know it sounds bad, but taking them does not mean that you are crazy!). I do know that lithium has the lowest suicide rate as far as meds go, but IMO should be a last resort if you are not bipolar (and you don't sound it). I was on it and never felt either sad or happy, just a constant state of being, never good, never bad. Keep searching, look for answers in new places, they ARE out there.

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#23 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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I just have to say, I don't believe suicide is at all selfish. If your loved one was dying of cancer and killed themself, would you say "How selfish! I can't believe they did this to me!" No, probably not.

Depression and the things that cause these thoughts often last longer than a fatal disease and are equally as painful.

I had PPD after my dd was born, and I can't tell you how many days I had to call my husband at work and tell him to come home now, because I was mapping out routes to bridges and obsessing over quick was to just end it all.

It's there. It doesn't go away. People that have never felt it will NEVER understand. And NO, you can't just snap out of it. And NO medication doesn't always work. I've even seen it do more harm in some cases.

In the end, if you haven't been there, don't have an opinion!!!!!
You have nothing to base it off of!!!

And god dammit! What the hell is wrong with being selfish!!!!!
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#24 of 30 Old 01-15-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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Thankyou all.......

I have suffered thses thoughts whether on antidepressants or not, so I am sure the antidepressants aren't causing them but could be making them worsee. My GP is currently weaning me off my current Anti Ds so wwe can explore some other drugs as well.

I shall look into the Omega oils so thankyou for that!!!!!
You might want to look into the website theroadback.org or Paxil Progress for a weaning from antidepressants protocol. Weaning is an extremely volatile period and can lead to psychotic breaks especially if it's done too abruptly. Please see www.drugawareness.org or www.breggin.com for more info about this.

The Road Back uses a power barley formula (super greens) combined with Omegas to start off and then you cut the dose by 10% for a couple of weeks and then again. When I got off it was much faster but I had supervision the entire time.

Write me if you need any info amyphilo@yahoo.com

Good luck
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#25 of 30 Old 01-16-2008, 03:11 PM
 
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Sweetie I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am in a similar boat, but I only have those thoughts when I am having a really, really bad day with depression. Something always sets me off. I have thought of it and probably would attempt it, but I have such low self esteem I doubt I am even capable of completing the act successfully, I think in the moment. I also was very blessed in an awful way a couple years ago. I know something put me where I was for a reason. Here goes:

My best friends 17 yr old brother comitted suicide. He was wonderful, I loved him. He shot himself in the head with a shot gun. The cleaning crew was scheduled to be there the morning after to take care of the mess, so when his mother asked later that day for someone to find his favorite cd in his room, I volunteered without a second thought. His aunt and uncle stood outside the door and prayed for guidance and felt they shouldn't go in. I asked if they minded if I went in to get the cd and they said it would mean alot to have it (for whatever reason, things mean alot to people at times following death). I took a deep breath as I opened the door expecting to find a sterile environment, uncomfortable, but not scary. Well when I opened the door and turned on the light I saw a blood red hand prints a shoe marks scattered amidst the blood spray on his black and white checkered floor, his ceiling and the walls. It was more blood than I thought was in the human body. The bed was gone and things put in boxes but that was all the cleanup that had been done. I managed to keep cool and turned off the light, closed the door and walked away wondering why I had been the one to volunteer. I went ovwer so many reasons, from better me than his family to I needed to see it for hisdeath to solidify in my mind, since it was a closed casket. This was my closure. Though those ideas may be true, I KNOW I saw that to save my life. I have considered suicide so many times since then and every time I do, that scene pops into my head like scene from a horror movie and scares the sense into me. The tears at the funeral and all the grieving can be romanticized, but his fathers handprints in his blood are just terrifying and tragic. I now think his death has served a purpose for my family, to keep me here. I wish he knew.

Just thought I would share the horror that saved my life.
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#26 of 30 Old 01-16-2008, 03:32 PM
 
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Also, I do not think suicide is selfish at all. I have the same thoughts, that my family would be better without me. But now when I think that I remember, "oh yeah someone has to find my dead body." I know how much that can affect someone and might make life harder. This is a frustrating place to be, knowing my not existing would make their lives easier, but that my death would traumatize them. Regardless of who would find me it would affect everyone, because the actions and behavior of that one person would change. And they all may think that if they never existed that I would not have "done It". I guess this is why suicide rate for survivors of suicide victims is so high. So, basically it feels like I am going to screw up my family whether I am dead or alive. I often pray that I just die in my sleep or in a car accident so they don't hve the stigma of "suicide" to deal with.
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#27 of 30 Old 01-16-2008, 04:25 PM
 
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I just want to thank you for sharing your stories.

I'm one who has always thought suicide was selfish as well, but I'm learning.

I don't want to trivialize any of your feelings, and it may not apply to any of you, but I know a lot of people who found out after being misdiagnosed with depression or bipolar disorder that they were actually suffering from hypothyroidism and the suicidal depression was a symptom, not the disease.

My DH's previous wife killed herself, sort of accidentally. She suffered from depression for years and had multiple attempts, and this one was only successful because an ER doc sent her home when she should have been under observation, and she slipped into a coma and died. They trusted the doc that she would be ok, and she wasn't. Dh thinks she wanted to be saved and didn't realize the doc goofed, but we'll never really know for sure.

We go back and forth with our armchair diagnosis of schizophrenia and hypo depression leading to suicidal thoughts. The thing that made DH listen to me about how thyroid problems can affect your mind was when I read him a post from my thyroid group where a woman said every night as she drove home from work exhausted and depressed from her illness, she would pass a huge tree and think I could just step on the gas and aim straight for it and end this. He told me about the time his late wife had impulsively driven her car off a cliff one night after having that same thought. It was dark and she didn't see clearly, or she would have realized there were trees to break her fall. She ended up stuck for hours while emergency crews tracked her with her cell phone.

I've felt that momentary flash of hopelessness, but never seriously entertained the thought of suicide. I would guess that is the difference between those of us who don't and those of you who do, yk? I can't imagine that feeling lingering all day, or for any length of time. But I think that must be what it's like.

In that case, I think maybe I can understand what you mean about it not being selfish. I know in those brief moments, like you, I wasn't thinking about anything other than not feeling bad anymore.



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#28 of 30 Old 01-16-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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Thankyou everyone for being so understanding, thankyou tto those who have let me know that I am not alone and not completely crazy and thankyou to those who choose to look at it from both sides.

Today has been a bad day, I am about to go take some herbal calming tablets, forgotten what they are but I need them today. I hate taking anything until I have completed a days exercise which I am totally obsessive about these days. It helps with the feelings. I work myself hard too lol (60 squats, 60 crunches, 2 hours stepping, 60 hamstring lifts, 2 lots of callanetic exercises, 60 press ups, 60 dips, stretches and loadsa hand gripping exercises plus using a power ball, I am currently training for a particular job, I just hope after all this hard work I actually get it).

Why was today bad??? Intrrusive thoughts, incredibly irritable, I had to keep moving, I am so tired right now, I have barely sat down today because each time I sit down I need to get up again, I guess I am feeling twitchy...... Yesterday I was on a high, today I am like this. I just cannot keep up with it, I cannot relax with it because no matter how hard I try to control it, it just doesn't happen. I feel like a yo yo. Exercise is the only way to escape...... Damn, I am being requested lol...........

That sounds like akathisia. I hope you can start a withdrawal soon. Theroadback.org has good info, you can take barley formula and omega 3 until the side effects go away and then start a withdrawal. Keep up the exercise because that lowers cortisol which is being increased by the meds.
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#29 of 30 Old 01-16-2008, 07:05 PM
 
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I just wanted to let you know I hope you are able to get through this and figure it out.

I have an aunt that killed herself (shot herself) in July last year. I know she felt very alone. I can't say whether it was a selfish move on her part, but I do realize that it was probably a last ditch effort on her part. I can't imagine what kind of emotional pain she must have been in.

I hope you get what you need and are here a little longer.

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#30 of 30 Old 01-22-2008, 07:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia

Ummmmmmm, well what can I say????? This pretty much sums up how I have been feeling these past few weeks and explains a lot whenever I have been on anti depressants!!!!!
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