Oh mama-- I can soooo relate as well, that sounds just like I was. I too am curious where in TX you are-- but if you aren't comfortable sharing then that's okay too
I'm in Houston and found a support group at women's hospital on friday morning to be of great help also, in between therapy (with the facilitator, Sherry) and eventually meds.....
I had it bad with DS and waited an excrutiating 6 months to get on meds. I just thought it would pass, that my "home remedies" would work or that being a mama was just harder than I thought it would be.
But HOLY COW that was severe PPD and I only wish I hadn't lost that first 6 mos of DS's life-- I feel like it's blury and a really sad dark scary time when I think back on it. I NEVER want to be there again. And I wish he hadn't had to experience that. Or myself or husband.
Next time I won't wait until it gets that bad. I hear you have some fears about meds-- as long as you get the right med for you and dosage it WILL make it better....life will not still suck. It will still be busy and chaotic (I can only imagine) but it will be much more manageable. You won't have that "survival" mentality, that you just have to make it through the day and what if I don's...etc.....-- you will actually be able to get back to enjoying being a mama. that was my take on it, anyway!
And a worry I had when I started meds was "for how long to I have to be on this?" But you know what, when I finally felt like myself again and felt confident in my parenting and felt like I finally truly loved my baby (he wasn't just this boob-sucking, crying all day nuisance) I told myself and anyone who would listen that I just did NOT care how long I had to be on them.....I was just so greatful to love Miles and be a present mama and wife. For me at least it was soooo worth it.
Side effects are still not totally known, but seem to be very little, especially for baby. BUT for many out there the benefits far outweigh the potential risks of physically or psychologically harming yourself or your kids....
Sending you love on your journey-- please keep us posted
P.S. feel free to PM me as well-- when I was there I found a local mama who was also suffering from PPD and we met up here and there-- I found I was finally understood....that mothering can be BEYOND hard. Get your support in line even if that just means online.