Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Lonely, Anywhere, US
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I am gettng better, I am off the meds, there are good days and then there are not so good days. I have learned to not put so much pressure on myself. DH has never been very understanding, for him, it's a matter of pulling yourself together, he keeps telling me to go out and meet people, maybe doing some courses at the free University. At that I always laughed becaus he never is home on time even if asked. I went to a family literacy program hoping he would take care of the kids while I am there. It worked once, luckily they provided child-care, but my DD did not want to stay with them, so I had to leave early several times. Yep, sure, that was relaxing...
Well, now, he has panic attacks. That he might have been depressive I knew some time ago, but he brushed it aside. Not only does he have panic attacks, he calls it a nervous breakdown. Well, guess what, I too stopped at the side of the road more than once and just cried with the kids sitting in their car seats. I spent 30 minutes easily in the shower with the kids tucked safely away in their roosms several times (sometimes as often as once a week). Why shower? That's the only place I did not have to listen to their constant whining and crying.
I have given him as much free time as I can, going to the movies, golf, meeting some friends over dinner.
Well, long story short: I resent this. I honestly have tried to make it easier for him but all I got from him when I felt bad was the "stiff upper lip" approach, the "it's all in your head". Now, he did say in one or two sentences that he now better understand how I felt, but I just can't get rid of my anger. I have (according to DH) just an "in-my-head-depression". But he gets to have the nervous breakdown (like it is some badge of honor).
Oh, he chastised me for taking pills and guess what, he takes his prescription pills gladly (he says it's a nice feeeling to be in la-la-land).
And then he barks at the children for nothing at all. He neither re-directs their attention, not paying attention to them, meaning, if they are whiny because they are hungry he yells! Well, how about a banana. I feel like I am walking in a mine-field when he is home, yes, I am glad he is at work.
And I am just soooo tired. I keep myself up with lots of coffee, at least that gives me boost.
I know, a lot rests on his shoulders, but I am trying to lighten the load. I am willing to work part-time stocking supermarket shelves or whatever, but he is also deaf to my suggestions to cut spending. What the heck is going on?
So, bottom line, I fear I might get dragged under again... And that scares me. I just keep telling myself that he is apart from me, that I am a separate person, I can feel for him, but I don't have to internalize his feelings, does that sound right?
Thanks for listening.