greiving or PPD or mixture? - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-13-2008, 09:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi all...

i just want to start by saying i've read over some posts on this board and realize just how lucky and blessed i am. my heart just breaks for the moms suffering from PPD and i honestly think i am getting a small taste/feel for what it's like.

i lost my dad back in february and i'm continuing to have problems greiving his loss. i feel guilty over the fact that he tried touching my pregnant stomach a week before he passed and i didn't let him because i wasn't really showing much and felt like it was just belly fat. i know he just wanted to touch his grandchild and it kills me that i didn't let him. the other hard part is that i have a son... just turned two... and my dad loved him of course, but he really wanted me to have a girl. he had two sons and then me and everyone told me how bad he wanted a girl and a daughter, etc. we were so close for so many years and had so many good memories. actually when i was in labor, i used mental images of us on vacation when i was a kid to get me through the pain of the contractions. it felt like he was there with me in a way. so i did end up having a girl... again, which breaks my heart. he didn't know it was a girl because we wanted to be surprised so he never knew it was a granddaughter. all of this just hurts so bad and even though i'm happy about my daughter and love her and am responding to her ... i'm just having a hard time adjusting to giving my love to two babies. i had a long long crying spell last night and dh is not the most ... um... well, he doesn't know how to handle the emotional side of me. not one of our better relationship aspects. i had a huge crying spell with him on the phone today and he is going to take at least next week off. he had only taken one day off to be at home with me and the other days he was off, i was in the hospital and he was running around trying to take care of our two y/o and get child care for him so he could come be with me and it was just a hectic time. (yet another reason i will have homebirth with any future babies!!!) but besides my dad issues and adjustment issues... i have other family drama i can't seem to escape and i guess i just have high expectations on myself to run everything smoothly like the house, dinner, laundry and all that goes with being a SAHM. it's like i don't want to skip a beat. my son is pretty demanding and the lack of bedtime/naptime routine is making the adjustment even harder but it's not my son's fault for this. it's our parenting style that has gotten him where he is with that. yesterday i got so frustrated with him when he was kicking/wailing his legs during a diaper change that i swatted him on the leg/butt area. it shocked me and i hit him harder than i thought. so i was basically in tears over that and knew that i needed help. i cried and cried over that because that's not my discipline style and again... not what ds is used to. that's certainly not the type of parent i want to be.

hopefully next week will be better if i can get some more help from dh. i think my tearful explosion today really hit home with him and we'll see what efforts he makes ongoing. he overloads himself with his activities and such so we're constantly busy and i was telling him he has to start choosing ME and family over these other "things" in his life because right now i'm not going to last much longer as a sane person without some help.

maybe i just needed to vent here some more. but i really don't want to go on meds and i don't even really want to see anyone about all of this. maybe i should, maybe i shouldn't, i don't know!!
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Old 06-15-2008, 07:25 PM
 
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ah, mama, my heart goes out to you. What a crazy mess of emotions you are feeling and let me first say, all totally valid!

I don't personally think what you are feeling can be easily defined as PPD. You lost a parent when you were pregnant. What a confusing and crazy mix of things. Your grieving process got interrupted by a new baby and to top it off, you have one of those DPs, and I understand this, who doesn't quite know how to deal with all of it.

If I were you, I would definitely find some counseling ASAP for no other reason if not to sort everything out and figure out what feeling goes where, kwim? You, your kids and your DH deserve you well and after what you've been through, you need to allow yourself the space to do that.

What you are going through is so normal, please understand. Be easy on yourself, get as much help as you can afford(housekeeper, takeout, massage, etc) or garner from family and friends and give yourself the permission and space to grieve as you need to, ok?

S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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