Hi Lori. Reading your post, I could feel your struggle and pain. I'm sorry it's a rough time. PPD sucks. I feel like I understand, at least partially, what you are going through. When I realized "something was wrong" with me, I went on a quest to try to get better. I started with therapy, being more assertive in certain situations, getting more breaks, pursuing more of my own interests, etc. etc. But right around the time I started my journey, my husband also started having to travel for his job an average of 3 days a week. So no matter how much I tried to dig myself out, I only ended up feeling I'd sunk lower. But then you know a lot of my story, so no need to go into more detail. Just suffice it to say that I know what it feels like to try and try, but not feel like things are moving as quickly as you'd like.
Have you considered participating in a post-partum support group? There is one in PDX that was started by my therapist several years ago. Now it is run by moms. It's called Baby Blues Connection and their number is 503.797.2843. They also have a website, www.babybluesconnection.org.
My therapist also welcomes contact from women suffering from PPD who need support, reassurance, info, etc. Her name is Wendy Davis and you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
. She is just wonderful. I wanted to mention these options because connecting and commiserating with people who are having issues similar to yours (or have been there in the past) can be a very powerful thing. I know it makes me feel better knowing Wendy had PPD, because if a therapist can get PPD, obviously anyone can, LOL. I know she truly understands where I am coming from, and doesn't trivialize PPD like some people do. She's also an AP parent and supportive of alternative lifestyles and herbal remedies and the like.
I did feel a little bit anxious when I read in your post that "truehope feels that if i can go the course, this is what i need." While they sound like a great company, them telling you that their product is what you need makes me a little nervous. It's your decision what you need, not your mom's, not Truehope's, not anyone's. Surely ANY product does not work the same for everyone, and I know Truehope is specially formulated to align with your difficulties, but even at that it's no guarantee. Sounds like the meds you were on didn't work before, and I totally understand you not wanting to go that route again. But you do sound really low, so if Truehope doesn't seem to be doing as much as you want, you might someday want to consider other options.
I feel I missed out on a lot during the last year+ before I started taking Lexapro, and how much easier it is now that my brain is in balance. Not easy, but easier. I can finally see the humor in things, and I often look at DD and think how wonderful she is, instead of only thinking what a little pill she can be. It's nice to not feel so whacked out. There is still a lot of work to do even with meds, but it seems do-able to me now instead of me feeling like life snowballed around me and I just rolled bumpily along.
Anyway, I am sending you positive energy and hoping that you have some brighter days soon. It's supposed to be 55 and sunny tomorrow, so hopefully you can get outdoors and soak in some crisp late Fall weather. Take care. And do email Wendy if you want to, she's really helpful.