where i'm at now - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-05-2003, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
MysticHealerMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: City of Roses
Posts: 1,994
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
it's always something. i think this is a new crossroads. i had a 'discussion' with my mom yesterday in which she basically told me to suck it up and take care of my house. i told her i didn't want to just suck it up, i wanted to learn how to cope with this stuff, i wanted to grow from this experience, not just stuff it away. of course, that's easier said than done. i can't always identify how i'm feeling, and i can't apply coping skills to this pit of dispair when the chasm is so wide i can't see the narrow rope bridge through my tears. and some of these copiing skills i'm learning from my therapist and some from some of the books i'm reading, mostly along the same lines; meditation and spiritual growth, i haven't read any psychological self help books.

anyway, i have this recurring, well, fear, i've finally decided it's fear, of the unknown, the future, myself, being a mom, whathaveyou, and i decided to be in the moment with it. previously i allowed myself to feel it. instead of trying to get it to go away, stuff it away or wait for it to wash over me and subsisde. well, i suppose i've done enough work with feeling my pain, because it wasn't working. but this is hard, being in the moment, either sitting or while i'm doing some task, with my pain. i guess if it didn't hurt it wouldn't be growth.

i just don't want to suck it up. but, it's such a slow process. i spend a lot of time thrashing around wondering, what do i do with this stuff, now? ow, ow, ow. i guess i have to get to the point where i can't take it anymore, where i feel on the verge of something desperate before i am able to face my fear. a choice; 1) suck it up or stuff it away, 2) run screaming from my life, 3) sit or stand in the moment and feel the pain. perhaps i can start learning faster at some point? i don't know. i don't think i'm less depressed. just dealing with it differently. but i hope someday not to feel depressed. they keep telling me that this is temporary, post partum does end. i suppose there's no way out but through. but when i applied that to childbirth, there were very few choices i had to consciously make, this takes all my energy, every bit of my being to puzzle through and gut it out.

loving blessings,

Lori
MysticHealerMom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-05-2003, 08:14 PM
 
Jish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: in a constant state of chaos
Posts: 5,233
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Strange, I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are.

I'm so sorry that you are still having problems dealing. Try to let what your mom says go in one ear and out the other. If she hasn't been there, she simply can't know. I feel so bad for you because I was at the lowest point in my life when my dh took me to the hospital, and I had such great success with my SSRI and in such short time that I wish you could feel it too. Nine months on a relatively low dose and I am off the meds totally and feel great. I was very skeptical of meds at first, but my experience was so dramatic that it just reinforced to me that it really is a brain chemistry issue. Unfortunately, not all people have the same experience on meds, nor do many want to heal that way. I just so wish that you could get yourself back and get past all of this.

How is the truehope working now. Are you feeling any progress or are you at an impasse? I would love to chat more, but my ds's soccer party is in a few minutes and I have to get a move on. Keep in touch.
Jish is offline  
Old 11-05-2003, 09:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
MysticHealerMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: City of Roses
Posts: 1,994
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i believe that truehope is working. i also think that a lot of what i'm going thru is in part due to my meds, as there was a lot of speculation about whether i needed bipolar treatment. i was never given anything for depression, explicitly. but, i didn't start out depressed, that came on after i was hospitalized the 2nd time. the reason i'm still not taking something explictly for depression is that truehope feels that if i can go the course, this is what i need as it's for other forms of depression, not just bipolar, and my pshyciatrist thinks that the meds i was on should have made a difference in my depression regardless of what they usually prescribe the med for.

i agree that this is chemical, but i think that the chemical works with the mind/body/spirit as well. as i've noticed some of my major break throughs occur concurrently with changes in meds or just sheer time. so, in my case i needed the spiritual practice to recover as well as the chemical kick in the ass, but i just haven't had a 'good' experience on the drugs. who knows if it would have been easier without them? or maybe it's been harder but this is what i needed to go through to come out the other end a more whole person and better mama? i can't say. i know that the changes i've experienced to date are great, that i'm a much better person. it's been hell. but, the long road i see myself still going down is daunting. i had a lot of wishes for healing my mind and growing as a person and perhaps this challenge is it. i dunno. i think things happen for a reason.

strange, this morning when i faced my fear by sitting in the moment with it, it was so hard to do, and afterwards i felt so triumphant. i was pushed to the point of desperation - sitting with my pain, and this afternoon i feel like i've done something really hard and am taking a break from the strain, a well deserved nap, as it were. stretching a sore muscle - it hurts, but feels so good to stop.

thanks for your support, Beth - best wishes to you.

Lori
MysticHealerMom is offline  
Old 11-06-2003, 03:30 AM
 
EllasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,490
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi Lori. Reading your post, I could feel your struggle and pain. I'm sorry it's a rough time. PPD sucks. I feel like I understand, at least partially, what you are going through. When I realized "something was wrong" with me, I went on a quest to try to get better. I started with therapy, being more assertive in certain situations, getting more breaks, pursuing more of my own interests, etc. etc. But right around the time I started my journey, my husband also started having to travel for his job an average of 3 days a week. So no matter how much I tried to dig myself out, I only ended up feeling I'd sunk lower. But then you know a lot of my story, so no need to go into more detail. Just suffice it to say that I know what it feels like to try and try, but not feel like things are moving as quickly as you'd like.

Have you considered participating in a post-partum support group? There is one in PDX that was started by my therapist several years ago. Now it is run by moms. It's called Baby Blues Connection and their number is 503.797.2843. They also have a website, www.babybluesconnection.org. My therapist also welcomes contact from women suffering from PPD who need support, reassurance, info, etc. Her name is Wendy Davis and you can email her at [email protected]. She is just wonderful. I wanted to mention these options because connecting and commiserating with people who are having issues similar to yours (or have been there in the past) can be a very powerful thing. I know it makes me feel better knowing Wendy had PPD, because if a therapist can get PPD, obviously anyone can, LOL. I know she truly understands where I am coming from, and doesn't trivialize PPD like some people do. She's also an AP parent and supportive of alternative lifestyles and herbal remedies and the like.

I did feel a little bit anxious when I read in your post that "truehope feels that if i can go the course, this is what i need." While they sound like a great company, them telling you that their product is what you need makes me a little nervous. It's your decision what you need, not your mom's, not Truehope's, not anyone's. Surely ANY product does not work the same for everyone, and I know Truehope is specially formulated to align with your difficulties, but even at that it's no guarantee. Sounds like the meds you were on didn't work before, and I totally understand you not wanting to go that route again. But you do sound really low, so if Truehope doesn't seem to be doing as much as you want, you might someday want to consider other options.

I feel I missed out on a lot during the last year+ before I started taking Lexapro, and how much easier it is now that my brain is in balance. Not easy, but easier. I can finally see the humor in things, and I often look at DD and think how wonderful she is, instead of only thinking what a little pill she can be. It's nice to not feel so whacked out. There is still a lot of work to do even with meds, but it seems do-able to me now instead of me feeling like life snowballed around me and I just rolled bumpily along.

Anyway, I am sending you positive energy and hoping that you have some brighter days soon. It's supposed to be 55 and sunny tomorrow, so hopefully you can get outdoors and soak in some crisp late Fall weather. Take care. And do email Wendy if you want to, she's really helpful.

{{{{Hugs}}}}
Carol
EllasMama is offline  
Old 11-15-2003, 05:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
MysticHealerMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: City of Roses
Posts: 1,994
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks, ellasmama, i have attended weekly meetings w/babyblues for the last 4 months. it's helped a lot. they're an excellent resource.

i'm going through a rough patch right now. my mind is just flittering like a bird in a net. i have recurring feelngs of wanting to escape from my life - it's not a bad life, but i just feel so trapped or unworthy, incapable of action.

i may be having an adverse drug reaction to my medication, we've speculated from the beginning if i was giving a proper diagnosis and if the meds were the right thing, and i dutifully stayed on them so that i wouldn't wind up back in the hospital. now i'm reaching the last bit of medication that i'm taking and it's hard.

or maybe it's the pluto aspect hitting me one last time. i don't know. this is the last week that pluto is in my chart - yeay. aparently it has been with me well into my pregnancy and throughout this entire time after my son's birth. at least it's something that attempts to classify what's going on.

so, either way, whatever i chose to believe or whether it's just there and i have no control over it, things are coming to a head. perhaps i'll get some relief.

everyone says that ppd is temporary.

but, like a drowning man, the closer you get to the shower, the more in danger you are of drowning - the better i get, the more i want out of this mess, by any means possible.

i do feel better and better - i'm coping with this hidous, crushing weight, but it seems the more resources i have available, the more it takes.

i'm starting to feeling like such a whiner, such a crybaby, an invalid, promoting my own pain in order to avoid life - but i think this just indicates how closer i am to being well because i can recognize what's not getting done. that doesn't stop the guilt feelings. just what i need, guilt. my husband is a champ and deserves a gold medal. i just hope that i can contribute as much to our family when this is all over - oh, god, if it ever ends!

everyone tells me i'm stronger, i feel like a wet rug. maybe it'll be aparent some day.

blessings to all - hang in there. i'll keep trying to hang in there, too.
MysticHealerMom is offline  
Old 11-18-2003, 02:57 AM
 
EllasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,490
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are NOT a whiner, a crybaby, or an invalid. A whiner is someone who is always snivelling about things that aren't that bad. Depression is a very real and HARD thing, unfortunately there just aren't any scientific test results you can hold up to the world to say "see, I really am sick." I know what it's like carrying this invisible illness inside and not really being able to explain what it is like to people who haven't been there. When I told my mom about my struggles and going on Lexapro, she said something like, "but you're not really depressed." I can't fault her, though, because while I did tell her how bad I felt sometimes, a lot of the time I tried to put on a happy face for everyone because I didn't want to sound like a whiner. I'm so glad that your husband is supportive, that is great.

I agree that recognizing how bad things feel is an important part of the healing process. Realizing how far you are from what you want to be is a good thing when you are taking steps to recovery. Getting there would be better, but it's an awfully long road, huh? They say PPD is temporary, but it sure feels like a long temporary. The worst part, to me, is not really knowing WHAT I should feel like. I have a young child and my marriage isn't as great as it used to be, so obviously life is very different now. Should I feel as happy as I did pre-child? How happy was that, anyway - it's hard to remember. Does every mom of a young child feel 10 years older than before? How do you know when you're "all better"?

I also wanted to let you know that I so understand the desire to escape. I look longingly at planes flying overhead, even though I hate to fly! Getting scheduled time by myself once a week or so has helped some, but it's never enough. I have this fantasy of going off to a cabin in the woods by myself for 2-3 days, but then I realize I'd be miserable being away from DD that long...not to mention that I don't trust that DH could take care of her adequately for that long. So I'm damned if I do something solely for myself, and damned if I don't. Along with the eternal guilt, ain't that the story of mothering? (Who's whining now?!)


Carol
EllasMama is offline  
Old 11-18-2003, 03:17 AM
 
Potty Diva's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 6,579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mystic!!

I am glad to hear from you! I remember when you first started your journey through depression and I have often wondered how you were doing, and am glad to hear you are learning, always learning.

When you mentioned living in the moment wiht your pain, and kind of not knowing what to do with it, yet wanting to get past it...have you considered not letting yourself become a victim to it? Perhaps you feel you NEED to feel pain to grow and become stronger (on the surface) but deeply you believe you *deserve* this pain?

I think to get past fear/pain, you have to realize you deserve better, and you don't deserve to be in pain.

Does this make sense?

For me, I have a tough time with this. I sabbatage(sp?) a lot of things in my life. I will be going great and them BOOM, something happens. Often when I look back on the occurance I can see where I tripped along my path, and it usually is at a place where a super great thing was beginning to occur or would have occured.

Ok, I am rambling now...

But mostly wanted to post to give hugs and hope
Potty Diva is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off