how i feel - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 11-28-2009, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i have not written here before, but I write. nothing to publish, but everything is all writing, words.

this is how i feel right now. be gentle. it is translated from my language and while i can write in english i dont quite have the right words for proper translation. unedited, i just need to world to know my grief.

this is how i feel

When i mourn it is made of words. Two lumps of dead meat. When there is no space inside, when all is
All empty, it has to be dark, when it is over and done, just thought it would be wordless. But my hands, my head, has to put it in words, ugly, wet, soaked, endless, everlasting, dirty words. When I am good for nothing, when I shut life closed around me- its words. When tomorrow is endless and empty and destroyed, when he is away from me. There are words still. Lasting ones, that are never up, never up for words. When the muscles of my back can no longer hold me up, when I have lived one third of my life and feel it is enough, when it feels no more as a present, but loss and doom, there are words. There is no grief but that, he left me, he is gone from me. Nothing more but void. Life. Shell. Hair in my eyes, head on chest, chin to floor, a lamp in a lost partyroom with yellow wallpaper, passed weddings, life, soup, steak and icecream, forgotten. Words I cant be rid of, pouring out of me, over, done, nothing more. Mine no more. On the floor, a lump of dead meat with bones in it, without him.

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#2 of 5 Old 11-28-2009, 04:16 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have your writing to help process your grief. keep doing it and it can bring you through this to the other side. There will be an other side, no matter how long, painful to get to, or how different it may seem than life today. Thank you for sharing. Heartfelt writing is always powerful. You are **** powerful though you may not feel it. Hang in there.
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#3 of 5 Old 11-28-2009, 04:16 PM
 
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Oh, sweetie. I am so, so, so so so so here for you, as much as I can be from two countries away. I've been honored to enjoy your friendship through the internet for one year now, and from the beginning of the chapter of your life that now appears to be closed that you just wrote of. And my heart breaks for you. Like you told me 11-12 months ago when my heart was shattered, it just sucks. You forget how bad heartbreak is until you're in it again. It's so, so, so hard. Nothing I can say will make you feel better, I just want you to know I'm here to listen anytime.
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#4 of 5 Old 11-28-2009, 04:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enfpintj View Post
You are **** powerful though you may not feel it. Hang in there.
:
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#5 of 5 Old 11-28-2009, 11:33 PM
 
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Oh that was powerful, beautiful. When everything else is gone, words remain. As long as we have words, nothing is every truly lost, is it? Sending love- thanks for sharing this
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