Originally Posted by violafemme
with the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam at the playground;
one foot then the other, each in succession
ever so carefully measuring her steps
her childish brow furrowed with the effort:
she is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arm are flung out to soar.
With the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam;
One foot then the other, each in succession.
Ever so carefully she measures her steps
learning to place them right and left even
before she knows such words
or hears any rhythm except her own.
Her childish brow is furrowed in the effort
of learning to keep her balance.
Her arms have instinctively risen to
help her equilibrium,
they extend like tiny wings ready to beat
against gravity and the fear of falling:
She is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arms are flung out to soar.
Ok I've worked on it a bit more, tell me what you think: do you like the expanded version better? Why or why not?
Punctuation and grammar...........I know there is alot of poetic lisence but I am trying to really hone my use of these tools. What do you think of the tense, of the breaks in the lines and the punctuation in general........too choppy? too run on? Just right?
Should there be another line between "fear of falling:" and the conclusion or does it come together OK as is?
I changed the title, does it work?
OK that's the feedback I'd like. I think I want to polish it one more time after the next round of feedback and then I'll be ready for some warm fuzzies.
PS HeartofaChild, Welcome. Do you want feedback? If so what kind?