Balance - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 09-22-2005, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This week, we'll focus on balance in our writings.

Prompts
(Feel free to work from your own as well. Post them here so we can all benefit from them!)

Out of balance
Finding balance
Equilibrium
Seasick
Hitting the wall
Searching
Hiding
Seeking

--Anyone up for a short play? Monologue?

--How about an editorial?

--Write a letter to your child to be given for when she or he becomes a parent. Tell them about balance.

--Short story, using balance as the theme. Don't use the word balance. Don't overtly talk about it.

Have a good week!

Jesse
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#2 of 8 Old 09-24-2005, 10:00 PM
 
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Balance Beam

with the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam at the playground;
one foot then the other, each in succession
ever so carefully measuring her steps
her childish brow furrowed with the effort:
she is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arm are flung out to soar.


This is my five minute write on 'balance', it's not meant to be a polished piece (yet), just an observation from an outing earlier this week. I'm wondering about the use of the word "ground" in the second to the last line, I was looking for another word but couldn't find it...............any suggestions or does the word ground work for you? That is the only feedback I am looking for at the moment. After I mull it over a bit more, I may want some more. I should probably have thought about it some more before posting but I just to write for five minutes and get something out there.

Heather
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#3 of 8 Old 09-24-2005, 10:20 PM
 
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I think "ground" works perfectly, as it can be interpreted both metaphorically and literally.
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#4 of 8 Old 09-24-2005, 10:27 PM
 
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To My Beautiful Child,

As you become a parent, you learn what things are meant to be taken seriousily and other things to be let go of. Remember in all things, you were once a child. You walked, talked and acted such ways as your child will soon do. Finding the balance as a parent on all levels is so important. Memories will impact your child for a lifetime. Tipping the scale, could affect everything there after. For instance, stopping with your child to smell a rose. Memories of such kind, will be branded on their hearts. Reminding them that simple things in life is not meant to be taken for granted but valued and appreicated. Other instance, angry words that could almost swallow them whole from the inside out. Leaving a sting of pain, looking back on such a memory. The unique job of parenthood is finding the balance in all things.
Sincerely,
Mom


I don't know if I did it right. I hope I did.
It's my first time in this
forum, I do write in my spare time.
Nice to meet you all.
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#5 of 8 Old 10-02-2005, 08:09 PM
 
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Balance Beam

with the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam at the playground;
one foot then the other, each in succession
ever so carefully measuring her steps
her childish brow furrowed with the effort:
she is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arm are flung out to soar.

This is very nice!
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#6 of 8 Old 10-04-2005, 05:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violafemme
Balance Beam

with the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam at the playground;
one foot then the other, each in succession
ever so carefully measuring her steps
her childish brow furrowed with the effort:
she is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arm are flung out to soar.



Playground

With the concentration of chess masters
my daughter walks across the beam;
One foot then the other, each in succession.
Ever so carefully she measures her steps
learning to place them right and left even
before she knows such words
or hears any rhythm except her own.
Her childish brow is furrowed in the effort
of learning to keep her balance.
Her arms have instinctively risen to
help her equilibrium,
they extend like tiny wings ready to beat
against gravity and the fear of falling:
She is learning to keep her feet on the ground
even as her arms are flung out to soar.


Ok I've worked on it a bit more, tell me what you think: do you like the expanded version better? Why or why not?

Punctuation and grammar...........I know there is alot of poetic lisence but I am trying to really hone my use of these tools. What do you think of the tense, of the breaks in the lines and the punctuation in general........too choppy? too run on? Just right?

Should there be another line between "fear of falling:" and the conclusion or does it come together OK as is?

I changed the title, does it work?

OK that's the feedback I'd like. I think I want to polish it one more time after the next round of feedback and then I'll be ready for some warm fuzzies.

Heather


PS HeartofaChild, Welcome. Do you want feedback? If so what kind?
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#7 of 8 Old 10-05-2005, 07:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violafemme
PS HeartofaChild, Welcome. Do you want feedback? If so what kind?
Sure, I would love some.
As of what kind..not sure.
But any feedback would be great.
Thanks
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#8 of 8 Old 10-06-2005, 04:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violafemme
Playground

I changed the title, does it work?
You know what... this is just quick feedback... gotta go soon, but...

I really liked the title beforehand... since the balance beam is a literal part of the poem, but it is also a metaphor or symbol of some sorts (if you know what I mean).
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