My Poem - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 12-27-2006, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
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Hope you all enjoy. Just random poems I've been working on.

Remember

A twisted maiden walking on the beach
A seagulls cry faint in the distant
The maidens lips seems to be resistent
Her partner kisses her,so soft and tender
This is a moment she'll always remember

Drifting

Your eyes meet with mine
Your sucks increase
You slowly drift off
To heavens little loft
Where you sleep
with peaceful dreams
The Moonlight beams
Hitting your face
Your true beauty
Me to you
Face to Face
Drifting off
To slumberland
I hold your little hand
We're drifting
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#2 of 2 Old 01-05-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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Those are BEAUTIFUL.

I love the rhyme scheme in the first. Your rhyming isn't predictable, which is a huge plus. Your word choice is wonderful, too. It really captures my heart and pulls me in.

The second one is so sweet. Of course, it touches me being that I'm a nursing mama. I would suggest replacing "sucks" with a more descriptive, perhaps 'prettier' word...perhaps "your suckling" instead. I'd also pick a word to replace "hitting" such as illuminating, lighting, striking. I love that the rhyme scheme isn't uniform; however, the rhyming is a bit predictable, though I'm not sure that is a bad thing in this cute piece.

fambedsingle2.gif Heather, 25, single mom to Corbin, 5, and Orin, 3  uc.jpg  delayedvax.gif  nocirc.gif
Oh how I miss the days of femalesling.GIF  nak.gifcd.gif  
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