My Poem - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Thread Tools
#1 of 2 Old 12-27-2006, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
LelanisMom1's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hope you all enjoy. Just random poems I've been working on.


A twisted maiden walking on the beach
A seagulls cry faint in the distant
The maidens lips seems to be resistent
Her partner kisses her,so soft and tender
This is a moment she'll always remember


Your eyes meet with mine
Your sucks increase
You slowly drift off
To heavens little loft
Where you sleep
with peaceful dreams
The Moonlight beams
Hitting your face
Your true beauty
Me to you
Face to Face
Drifting off
To slumberland
I hold your little hand
We're drifting
LelanisMom1 is offline  
#2 of 2 Old 01-05-2007, 02:34 PM
moonfirefaery's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 3,364
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Those are BEAUTIFUL.

I love the rhyme scheme in the first. Your rhyming isn't predictable, which is a huge plus. Your word choice is wonderful, too. It really captures my heart and pulls me in.

The second one is so sweet. Of course, it touches me being that I'm a nursing mama. I would suggest replacing "sucks" with a more descriptive, perhaps 'prettier' word...perhaps "your suckling" instead. I'd also pick a word to replace "hitting" such as illuminating, lighting, striking. I love that the rhyme scheme isn't uniform; however, the rhyming is a bit predictable, though I'm not sure that is a bad thing in this cute piece.

fambedsingle2.gif Heather, 25, single mom to Corbin, 5, and Orin, 3  uc.jpg  delayedvax.gif  nocirc.gif
Oh how I miss the days of femalesling.GIF  nak.gifcd.gif  
moonfirefaery is offline  

Quick Reply
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off