Torn (A Poem: Requesting Feedback) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 01-12-2007, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Torn

When I was small,
I was told
not to use my teeth
to open things.

So I used my fingernails.
I broke one on a peanut butter jar,
another on a juice jug,
and still another on the seal of a new toy.
And that was all in one day.

The next day, I tore one nail climbing a tree,
another trying to file it but getting carried away,
and a third attempting to unlock the treasure chest whose key I'd lost.

I tore many fingernails during my childhood,
but that was nothing
compared to what's been torn during my adulthood . . .

My innocence was ripped from me by a man who didn't care.
My money "mysteriously" disappeared when I needed it most.
My dreams were replaced by harsh, stark reality.

And you've torn my life from me,
making it revolve around you
and the child you placed inside me.

I tore my fingernails,
but you tore my heart,
never to be whole again.

It's ripped into thirds now:
one piece for me,
the second for you,
and the last for our child.

But tear away!
Because it doesn't hurt anymore!
The pain is replaced by pleasure
in the life we share
and the child I'll bear.

Thank you
for tearing my old life to pieces,
only to build me a better one:
Fingernails, heart, and all!

All kinds of feedback welcome! Especially this: I was told the ending, beginning with "The pain is replaced by pleasure" doesn't make sense, because the rest of the poem is about how being torn is bad. So let me know if it makes sense to you, and feel free to give any suggestions on how I can tie it together better if it doesn't!
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#2 of 4 Old 01-13-2007, 08:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrskennedy View Post
Torn

When I was small,
I was told
not to use my teeth
to open things.

So I used my fingernails.
I broke one on a peanut butter jar,
another on a juice jug,
and still another on the seal of a new toy.
And that was all in one day.

The next day, I tore one nail climbing a tree,
another trying to file it but getting carried away,
and a third attempting to unlock the treasure chest whose key I'd lost.

I tore many fingernails during my childhood,
but that was nothing
compared to what's been torn during my adulthood . . .

My innocence was ripped from me by a man who didn't care.
My money "mysteriously" disappeared when I needed it most.
My dreams were replaced by harsh, stark reality.

And you've torn my life from me,
making it revolve around you

and the child you placed inside me.

I tore my fingernails,
but you tore my heart,
never to be whole again.

It's ripped into thirds now:
one piece for me,
the second for you,
and the last for our child.

But tear away!
Because it doesn't hurt anymore!
The pain is replaced by pleasure I might use a different word other than pleasure, pull out a thesaurus and browse for a more exacting word
in the life we share
and the child I'll bear.

Thank you
for tearing my old life to pieces,
only to build me a better one:
Fingernails, heart, and all!


All kinds of feedback welcome! Especially this: I was told the ending, beginning with "The pain is replaced by pleasure" doesn't make sense, because the rest of the poem is about how being torn is bad. So let me know if it makes sense to you, and feel free to give any suggestions on how I can tie it together better if it doesn't!
First of all, I'm a ruthless editor, I write volumes and only come out with a small amount of what I feel is powerful, useable writing. I would edit out the parts in blue, alot can be conveyed without explaining too much, or implied without painting a picture.

I think it has the potential to be a powerful poem

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#3 of 4 Old 01-13-2007, 08:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi there,

Thanks for the critique, but would you mind writing out the lines that don't need to "paing a picture," as you say? I'm blind and have no idea what parts are blue, because my screen-reading software doesn't differentiate between text in different colors.

Thanks!
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#4 of 4 Old 01-15-2007, 01:28 AM
 
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Sure

this stanza:

and you've torn my life from me,
making it revolve around you,
and the child you placed inside of me

I also think it would be more powerful to leave out the last stanza:

thank you
for tearing my life to pieces,
only to build me a better one,
fingernails, heart and all.

like I said, I am a ruthless editor, so take, or leave what i say.

It would be great to hear from others

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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