Originally Posted by Unagidon
Sorry, I've been out of town. Please post it again.
Thanks Unagidon, here you go.
GH (my husband) and I adore nature. It’s a shame this love for the great outdoors isn’t shared by our 19 month old daughter, Millicent. It seems any nature loving DNA that may have been present in her gene pool, was quickly flushed away into the colon as she was being assembled in the early stages of conception; such was her disgust at being taken out for a hike on the weekend.
GH, our brood and I went to a national park. It was a beautiful, sunny day and we were surrounded by a palette of flowering, native flora and melodic bird calls that sang sweetly amongst the trees. But in the midst of this tapestry of a perfectly weaved Eden, was the grating sound of a wailing wilder beast, and that beast was our Milly.
I really couldn’t see what all the complaining was about. Milly had managed to avoid any walking and hung off my hip during the duration of the hike, while randomly reaching out to any passerby that looked brainless enough to carry her back to the car.
Becoming quite annoyed with her attempts of an invited abduction I warned off any prospective baby snatchers by stating quite loudly ‘she’s still infectious and can make you sterile with one sneeze.’
Eventually we followed a track that took us to a slow flowing stream.‘Oh goody!’
I thought. ‘This should appease my whinging child’.
Neddy (our three year old son), upon seeing the stream was in there like a shot and immediately adopted a Taiwanese squat, while trying to splash the stream dry with his chubby little hands. GH sat down next to him, and showed him how to make a boat out of a leaf. I stood there holding my squirming offspring and wondered if anyone would notice her waving ‘bye bye’ as she happily floated downstream.
I shook the tempting thought free from my mind, and thought perhaps Milly might like to dip her feet into the stream instead. I gently lowered her down, just so she could skim the water’s surface with her toes, but the minute her feet came into contact with the icy water, she shot them back up into a meditating, lotus position.
I stood there dumbfounded.
Holding her firmly, I grabbed one of her feet and tried to stretch it back into the water, only to have it spring back into its original position. I then tried shaking her feet out from underneath her, but the only things that dropped into the water, were her hair clips.
Hearing me muttering to myself, GH glanced over to see what was going on.‘Darling’, why are you shaking our daughter like a sauce bottle?’
he asked.‘I’m – trying - to – lower – her – feet – in - to – the – water’
I replied, still trying to shake Milly’s feet out from underneath her.‘Oh’,
was his only answer.
Milly was adamant she wasn’t going to get her feet wet, and seemed quite happy to remain in her lotus position. She was so content with her little possie, that she closed her eyes and took on a serene expression. Eventually, people walking along the track stopped and gathered round to stare at my little floating Buddha.‘Is she sleeping?’
asked someone.‘No! I’ve been using her as a water divination tool and would you believe it, she’s led us straight to this stream. It’s a MIRACLE!’
I yelled, while moving her in a circular motion above the running water.
GH saw my last comment as a cue to continue walking, before we were invited to appear on 60 Minutes.
Hoisting Milly back onto my hip, we made our way up the track to view the waterfall that one could hear, but could not see.
After ten minutes of walking, hearing but not seeing any waterfall, I was convinced the sound was some sort of nature recording, put in place to confuse the elderly and frustrate the tourists, so I turned around and headed back towards the car.
Suddenly, GH yelled ‘I can see it!’‘No you can’t’
I yelled back.‘Seriously, I can see the waterfall’
he replied.‘No, you’re hallucinating! Time to go home’
I yelled over my shoulder as I continued my way back to the car park, with a grizzling Milly on my hip.
Suddenly, Neddy started clapping and shouted ‘Mama, warrerfall’.
I stopped and turned to see GH and Neddy continuing on with their ill fated trek.‘Now look at what you’ve done. You’ve passed on your hallucination to your son’
I cried out in exasperation. ‘Our health care fund doesn’t cover therapy for three year olds darling’
, I yelled out after him as he and Neddy followed the track around a huge granite boulder, and disappeared out of sight.
Then, something quite eerie happened.
The wind dropped without warning. The birds fell silent, Milly stopped grizzling and there seemed to be a thickness to the atmosphere. Something was hovering on the very edge of our reality, wanting to come in.‘Uh Oh! This feels a little too much like picnic at hanging rock’
, I thought to myself.
The hairs on the back of my neck started to stand on end, and I could feel beads of perspiration forming between my shoulder blades. Instinctively I held Milly tighter. Something wasn’t right. I had lost sight of GH and Neddy, and there wasn’t anyone else on the track.
We were alone.
I could sense it
coming closer, looming around us like a thick, dark cloud. I was about to wrap my daughter in a bear hug and run terrified back to the car, when this thing was suddenly upon us.
It escaped with force from Milly’s arse end, in a series of loud ripe farts together with a noxious stench. One after the other they came, with no respite in between. Gagging, I wanted to drop her onto the ground and run, but there were nests full of angry bull ants around our feet. My only option was to stand there and perform a white man’s version of a Cherokee rain dance, while choking on the vile stench that was being omitted from Milly’s dying rear end.‘For the love of God STOP, you’ll kill us all!’
I shouted at her. But she continued with her tirade of toxic gas.
Finally what seemed like an eternity, it all came to an end. The twilight zone feeling left us, and we were once again, back in the 21st Century. Exhausted and gasping for air, I found a large flat rock that was high enough to protect us from the ants. Standing on it, I looked around and took in the carnage around us.
There was devastation everywhere. Milly’s toxic flatulence had managed to wipe out several gum trees, two emus, half a dozen kangaroos and a species of parrots.
I looked down at my (now) chirpy, little chemical war weapon dressed in moss green with a hint of cherry. She responded with a gleeful little clap, and her trademark hippo grin.
Possessing the gift of perfect timing, GH and Neddy appeared back on the track. One look at my face told GH it was time to head back to the car.‘Er, come on Neddy, time to go home now’
he said nervously as he took Ned’s hand and started to lead him back to the car park.‘Too bloody right mate’
I thought to myself as I hopped off the rock, ‘too bloody right!’
There are some Aussie references in there as I am, well...an Aussie. It's a very tongue in cheek piece and the majority of my writing is in this style. I'd very much appreciate your feedback.