Hmmmm, dreams. I've been reading Birthing From Within, and am at the part where she talks about using birth art to help identify and process fears about labor/birth. I have a deep-seated (knee-jerk, emotional) opposition to doing this, because I "can't draw". I'm sure this is indicative of all sorts of "issues", and means it's something I should pursue, lol. But anyway, I think reading about fears surrounding labor/birth, led me to have the dream I had a few nights ago ....
I dreamt that it was nighttime and I was getting ready for bed. I walked over to the bedroom window to close it, and someone reached through the screen and grabbed my belly and then my crotch area. It was so real that I slammed my legs together in my sleep (which woke me up). I felt really scared and violated, and I think I'm having serious fears about my needs/wants/wishes being respected during birth. Not necessarily because I've chosen a "bad" place to give birth (birth center inside a hospital), but because I was raised in a family where my needs and wants were constantly derided and disregarded, and I've internalized the message that they're "unimportant". I've done a lot of work in the past 5 years to try to undo this, but it isn't always easy, and I still struggle with convincing myself that my feelings/needs/wants/etc. deserve
to be respected and honored. AND taking the steps to make sure this happens.
Now add in that the mainstream "birth industry" is notorious for NOT honoring or respecting mamas, and I think it's triggering all sorts of fears in me. I'm choosing to birth in a place that's sort of a grey area between mainstream and alternative, so I'm a little scared of how that will go. Also, who knows what will happen (breech, complications, etc.) and things may go such that I end up in L&D, and then I'll really be at the mercy of the mainstream way of things.
I don't think the solution is necessarily to change my birthing plans. But I do think I need to spend some time understanding and processing these fears, or I suspect they may seriously impede and inhibit my labor. So I'm glad they're surfacing for me now, and I plan on spending time talking to dh and my doula about them. Hopefully I can find a place of peace.
Other than that, it's HOT here. Hot and humid. We finally turned on the A/C yesterday, but we have that "interruptible" service (they turn off our A/C when electrical demand is high, and in return we get a reduced rate), and sure enough, we spent a few miserable hours yesterday. I suspect we may be "unvolunteering" for that service in the near future!
I assembled my Snap 'N Go last night, and trotted around the house with the car seat on it. It's hard to believe I'll be using it to haul BABY around in less than 2 months (hopefully!).
Work sucks, but I keep chanting "four more weeks, four more weeks, four more weeks". As you can see, I'm a little eager to be done with work :LOL .
Chocolate cravings have been on the rise, although I've limited myself to very small, very few pieces. It sucks. I just want to gorge myself on the stuff!!!
Baby is still moving a whole bunch. I think I finally got some foot action under my ribs yesterday afternoon. That's the first time that has happened, and I have to say it was less than pleasant :LOL . At least it means she isn't breech, though