Why do I find this so discouraging? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 06-22-2005, 11:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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warning: small vent to follow

I should know by now to nod and smile, nod and smile, but I seem to be surrounded by friends who either don't do enough research or naively follow their doctor's advice. A number of my friends are giving birth this year, and I just find certain things so sadly predictable: someone gets separated from her baby because she develops a fever after an epidural; someone else gets induced because she's 3 days "overdue" and her doctor thinks the baby might get too big, then has horribly painful pit contractions that last for 3 minutes each with 30 seconds in between; another friend gets an epidural after getting to 7 cm on her own at home (and feeling confident she can do the rest), because the nurse says it will "give her a chance to rest"--epis. and vacuum extraction follow. And they all think I'm a freak because I read enough to know that it's called a cascade of interventions for a reason... it's not like I think any of these things are never called for, or medically necessary.

I feel like I'm at the fringe--wanting a non-medicated birth, attending classes, reading up like crazy, being interested in baby carriers other than the Bjorn. And sometimes I feel like saying, look, I've done this research, you clearly haven't, even though it never does any good and risks alienating me from my friends. I don't think I can talk childbirth anymore with "normal" people--it leaves me feeling isolated and a little hollow.


end of rant. Thanks for listening.
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#2 of 7 Old 06-22-2005, 11:33 PM
 
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I hear ya. I still remember talking to a (childless, never pregnant) friend when I was pregnant with DD1. When she found out I was having a natural birth, she told me about her friend who "went natural" and "her throat was so sore from screaming, she could barely talk for a week!"

?????? And I needed to know that *because*.....

It was totally frustrating so yeah, I just stopped talking to most people about the birth except for people in our Bradley class and my gay male friends.

This time I know a lot more people who have done (or planned) natural births (and homebirths), but people also ask me a lot fewer questions about my pregnancy and birth plans. I guess they figure I've done it once so why bother.

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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#3 of 7 Old 06-23-2005, 09:35 AM
 
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I totally understand. With my first, ever single person at work was telling me their horror stories and told me to "just get the epidural and everything will be all right." And all sorts of other useless nonsense that you know they never did any research on. I have about given up on trying to talk to people about it, seems to just bring up more horrible stories (which I feel much could have been prevented, but not going to tell them that b/c of hurt feelings, etc..). I don't know anyone irl or have friends with similar beliefs/ideas as I do, so I feel lonely and frustrated most of the time as well. There's feelings of not being able to be yourself for fear of rejection.

Mom to two boys, ages 8 and 11, and one blessing due May 8th.

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#4 of 7 Old 06-24-2005, 03:45 PM
 
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What a bummer Nabigus. Are there any AP parenting groups in your neighborhood? When I was pregnant with DS I started going to La Leche league meetings while still pregnant. I figured I had a good chance of meeting some like-minded folks there. I was right! Maybe you could find an already established group that is on the same page and talk about birth and parenting with them?
It is frustrating to be doing things differently. I guess when I am with people that I know don't approve or understand what my Dh and I are doing, I don't even bring up the touchy topics. When I am around my local AP mommas, I start talking like crazy about co-sleeping, tandem nursing, cloth diapers,immunizatons, etc.
I wish everyone was on the same page and it would be easier, eh? Well, if wishes were fishes.....
- Kerri
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#5 of 7 Old 06-25-2005, 07:29 PM
 
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Nancy,
I learned after having three babies in the NICU that my dh and I are our children's ONLY true advocates. When my youngest was in the NICu last time (well... not her last time -- her ONLY time...) there was a nurse there who heard me fretting about the way the resident there was treating me... I was 34 years old, had had my third preemie and was far too familiar with the reality of life with babies born like this (all mine had same "issues").. .she gently pulled me aside and told me that I was her advocate and there was nothing that I could do wrong if I went with my gut feeling... certainly educating yourself etc. contributes the comfort level of going with your gut feelings....

Man, I let that resident have it.... He called me a few hours later and said "YOu know what? Your daughter only has to pass the car seat test (sitting up right in a car seat for an hour, while not stopping her breathing) and she can go home today."

Hmmm... so much for the load of crap he was spouting before...

Feel sorry for your friends who caved under pressure, or allowed themselves to be pushed in a situation that they felt forced and/or powerless.... Be strong, and don't worry about it.

Go with your gut instinct where you son is involved. You won't be wrong.
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#6 of 7 Old 06-28-2005, 12:05 AM
 
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I felt the same way with my first preg. All my inlaws are horribly mainstream, and I didn't know anyone in my city who'd had a homebirth. I only had a friend who lived halfway across the continent to talk to about it. And it did help to start going to La Leche league meetings in my 8th month. It is very isolating, and the sad thing about having children is you actually do lose some friends that were close before, simply because you can't talk to them about anything anymore.

There's also the Holistic Mom's network, maybe there's a group in your area http://www.holisticmoms.org/

You will find with your friends who are having babies, that most likely your parenting styles will take completely different paths as well. They will most likely stop nursing early, will be following mainstream parenting books, which preach crying it out, and teaching the baby who's in control etc... so it's important to find other mom's with the same parenting and birthing philosophies now... I found it hard not being able to talk to my best friends about anything anymore. One of my closest friends had a c-section followed by weaning at 4 months because she needed her sleep, followed by daycare at 6 months (even though she had paid mat leave for a year) etc... etc...
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#7 of 7 Old 06-28-2005, 12:36 AM
 
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The only comment made to me that ever really got to me was my ex's mother. She said that breastfeeding was for animals and it was barbaric. Then, despite all I said, with baby #3 she was like you're going to do that AGAIN? I mean...dayum she should've been happy I was giving her grandchild the very best food that I could!! Grrrrr.

She would insist that her kids all grew up fine and they weren't breastfed..oh yeah...every last one of them is messed up physically and mentally. wonder why. She fed her kids a combination of condensed milk and karo corn syrup. Yep...good stuff there.


*sigh*.

Some people don't know when to quit (though that's what they say about me hahahahhaaaa).

Kitty
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