Visitors after baby's birth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 09:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What is everyone doing? For both of my other kids they were born in a hospital so I didn't really care when and who came to visit because they were bound by hospital rules. This time I'm going to a birth center so will be home (if all goes well) 7-9 hours after the baby is born. I guess I'm okay with visitors as long as there are not too many at a time and they don't stay long. I'm thinking that if I stay in bed with the baby most people won't feel comfortable hanging out in my bedroom for any length of time. The bigest problem is my IL's - they trave as a pack if my MIL comes then it's FIL, grandma IL, SIL, BIL, nephew and possibly another BIL. DH feels that he can control it so only 2 at a time come. I don't feel that telling them not to come for 2-3 days is an option since I will not be telling my own parents that (when they come to visit, it will only be the 2 of them and my mom will actually help unlike my MIL).

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#2 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 11:19 AM
 
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My MW said to turn off the answering machine and put a sign on the door. After what happened with DD I am going to take her advice!

We had one lady show up, bringing flowers, and pull up a chair! This was the day after DD was born. I didn't like this person anyway, but she is the wife of DH's coworkers at the time. Then DH's boss (at the time) and his wife just show up. They didn't stay long, but sheesh. I did NOT want to see anyone. I started crying after the woman left. I was so overwhelmed. Of course DH couldn't say no. We no longer live in that area or talk to these people.

I don't want anyone coming over without calling first and not for at least 24 hours. That has been made clear to everyone. Then they can come in. See the baby and leave. They have been asked to stay a short time like 15-20 minutes. It's my house, my space, my time with my baby and family (DH and DD). You can never get that time back. My only regret with DD's birth is that I didn't do this when she was born.
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#3 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 11:49 AM
 
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We prefered to be visitorless the first few days with our dd. It was so nice just to have the 3 of us for those first few days. Anybody who might just drop by was just not told right away. Since both my parents and my IL live further away, we just told them that we would prefer the first few days alone and they respected that.
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#4 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 11:54 AM
 
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when we were in the hospital we had a few friends/family come by and that was fine. my mom was there, but she stayed with us for a wk helping, then mil came to help.

it was fine last time - no one overstayed their welcome at all, and I can always count on dh to be rude and kick people out

this time my mom is coming - which will be good since dd will have plenty of love and attention from her, and then 2 wks after the baby comes my mil is coming to help.
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#5 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 12:57 PM
 
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Here's my plan:
1. My sister and dh are available to take dd where she needs/wants to be - school, outings, activities for the first two weeks.
2. After the baby is born, my voice mail gets changed to announce the baby's arrival and vital stats and let people know we'll see them in a few weeks.
3. A sign goes on the door telling people we are on our babymoon for a week and we will call them soon.
4. A designated group of friends (good friends ) are taking turns coming over with food every other day. They will be told they can visit if we are awake.
5. Most importantly, dh and sister have been trained in the fine art of saying "NO!"

Am I a planner or what?

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
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#6 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 02:16 PM
 
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I am also having a hospital birth. Last time both my side of the family and my mil drove me nuts after the birth, b/c they kept wanting to visit and the day after we got home, we ended up with a herd of 20 ppl at our house!!! I was pissed : and started crying, b/c I was still struggling with BF and didn't want a ton of ppl around, even though they were family. If it would have just been 2 ppl at a time, I would have been ok with it. My mom kept inviting random family members (some that I am not that close to), to join them in the visit, which SHE put together w/o our knowledge at all, she just called us and said, "we're coming to visit." Then other ppl kept showing up and next thing we know there were a TON of ppl that we did not know were coming that apparantly had, "worked it out" with my mother! I ended up having to send my DH off with the, "herd" to take them out to lunch, b/c we were not able to feed these ppl and I wanted to nurse the baby (but ppl would not GIVE the baby back to me!!!!). Then mil and fil insisted on coming too, to add to the whole mess, her attitude was, "2 more ppl isn't going to matter," but then she sulked the whole time she was here, b/c I think she wanted the baby to herself. I pretty much went off on my mother afterwards and told her how RUDE it was for her to invite all these ppl over and of course she acted hurt and said, she thought it was easier for us to get it all over with at once. I was ticked... she never bothered asking us how we felt, like I said, I would have much rather preferred several small short visits from ppl, than the whole hoard. My mother is a busybody, always, "trying to be nice" but ends up being annoying and stepping on toes.

This time, most likely my mom will have to come over to help out with my toddler. I am hoping she does not drive me nuts (I doubt she will be staying overnight, she lives an hr away, and my father will need tending to, b/c he is a big baby), but I'd rather her come than my mil, b/c I know at least my mom would actually HELP me, instead of just, "talking" about helping and making stupid comments (last time, my proceeded to get into an argument with me about 2 hrs after I gave birth when she found out we were not going to circ the baby). I am however, saying no guests for at least the first wk or so, and if we have guests, just a 2-3 ppl at once. I KNOW my mom will throw a fit wanting to invite EVERYONE and I am NOT stacking visits, ppl will just have to wait their turn. We have caller id and will be screening our calls too. I doubt neighbors will want to drop by, since we only know a few of them, so hopefully that will not be an issue. DH works at the hospital and a few of his co-workers will probably pop by to say hello and see the baby while we are still at the hospital. That is ok with me, they are all medical professionals and will realize how tired I'll be and keep their visit short.

I just hate that sometimes family, who are understandly excited about the new baby, end up being a total PITA after the baby arrives and smother you to death.

Oh, and one more thing I am insisting my DH does NOT call his parents until MUCH later after the baby arrives. Last time they showed up at the hospital about 2 hrs after the baby arrived and would NOT leave (they were there for almost 6 hrs, b/c mil wanted to wait for my parents to show up!!!). I could have kicked my DH, b/c he KNEW I was not looking forward to his mother coming, let alone, coming almost right away and then NOT wanting to go away (she never got any of my hints either). I'd rather just not deal with ppl I can't stand (my mil), and delay it as much as possible. I don't really care if she gets upset that she was not the, "first" to see the baby (she is competitive with my parents). Too bad, this time I am putting my foot down about a lot of things and not letting family walk all over me. Ironically, our friends were the ones who respectfully waited about 2 wks before calling us or wanting to visit, even though we never set any ground rules for them. Guess most of our friends just have better manners than our family!
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#7 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 02:27 PM
 
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I guess I am lucky my in-laws did not bother to visit after our ds was born. I think my father in law showed up a couple of weeks later. My MIL did not see our son for 5 months because a 3 hour drive was too much for her. My mom on the other hand was at the hospital within hours of the birth. She waited until she heard baby was born and then started driving the next morning with my sister.

I like the idea of the sign on the door, though here at our house that would not work. Our house is solar and the whole front is glass. Makes it hard to hide

But I have no issues with saying to people "How nice to see you. Thank you for stopping by. I am just exhausted and am going to go lie down with the baby for a while."
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#8 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 05:47 PM
 
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I think if people come bringing food I won't mind a few visitors! I think I'll wait at least a day before calling anyone, but I'm sure my hubby will call people right away. We'll probably have in-laws, grandparents, my parents, cousins, aunt, etc... that will want to come over right away. Just hope they don't stay too long.

Mom to two boys, ages 8 and 11, and one blessing due May 8th.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 baby.gif 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

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#9 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 09:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heldt123
I think if people come bringing food I won't mind a few visitors!
Unfortunatly, the only people that I expect to bring food are friends and my mom. With DD my Ils brought a 1/2 dozen donuts - that was helpful. I am hoping that we can put off calling anyone until we get home. We'll see what time the baby is born.

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#10 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 09:35 PM
 
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We're planning on a babymoon of at least a couple of weeks, but I might make exceptions if people just want to drop food my or whatever. But visitors are too much for us in the first couple of weeks, so other than food drop offs visitors are out. Luckily we live over a thousand miles from family so it won't be a big issue. Our friends are all very understanding people.
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#11 of 18 Old 07-05-2005, 10:12 PM
 
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Thanks for making me think about this and to all of your for sharing your experiences. This is our first baby, so I don't know what to expect. Our parents, thank goodness, are not competitive with each other. My sister said she wanted to come right away, but now she is taking a trip on the weekend of the due date, so who knows?

We're giving birth at a birth center, so I'll be let go within 12 hours at the most. I like the idea of the sign on the door, though I can't imagine any of friends showing up unexpectedly. In the area where I live, people usually call first.

My ILs seem laid back and don't seem to mind if they don't see the baby in the first hours. So we'll call when things are over and let them know; they live 10 hours away and are welcome to come right away or wait. We've let them know that we won't put them up like we normally do and that the evening is for DH, me and baby.

I'll need to talk to DH about how long various visits will last. It would drive me crazy to have visitors in my house all day long and I don't know what else his parents will do; they don't seem to do much (or want to do much) unless we suggest it and go with them. Anyway, we'll probably be straightforward about it; we've found that approach works best. Polite and direct.

My mom is coming to help out during the days for the 1st 2 weeks. I'm not sure what she'll do and I hope she doesn't work herself to death. She's a clean freak in her own house, and we're not like that. I'll let a few dust bunnies collect from time to time, and I would rather she not work too hard.
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#12 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 12:58 AM
 
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My sister is coming to be with me for the birth. She is really excited to see the baby born. She lives about an hour and half away. My mom is also coming right away to stay with my DD who is 2. I am not sure how long they are planning to stay, but I don't mind if they stay for a few days. They won't bother me. They will clean and help cook.

My IL's live 2.5 hours away and won't be coming right away. MIL is planning to come for the weekend a couple weeks after the birth.

My AP group is really good about bringing meals and the moms are awesome about only staying for an hour or so and then leaving. So I think it will all be great.

Homeschooling mama to 3 Italian babies. homeschool.gif  Due with #4 on Sept. 28! Planning a rockin' Homebirth. homebirth.jpg

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#13 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 09:49 AM
 
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With my DS and again this time, I just tell people that I will let them know. I am going to put a message on the answering machine and a note on the door about the baby. Last time when people brought food, DH often answered the door and I would come out of the bedroom if I felt like visiting. I often didn't for the first couple of weeks. At the same time, I often wanted to show off baby. It depended on my mood, how the night went, etc. It really is all up to you. I didn't pass the baby around alot- but that was me. I may be different this time. I am going to go with the flow and be fine with saying " no thank you " when I need to say it.
Our out of town relative ( MIL ) is coming, but not until 3 weeks post EDD. We planned it that way to have a long babymoon without anyone sleeping in the house with us.
- Kerri
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#14 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 10:52 AM
 
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With my DD, we planned on being very strict on visitors. We didn't want any for at least two weeks, and then only family members. But then she came 16 weeks premature and a lot of family members didn't get to meet her until she was out of the hospital 4 months later. I watched them suffer as they were going through the same trauma we were wondering if she was going to make it, but felt even more detached from this little life. I realized then that my children are part of a bigger family unit and that she was loved by more people than she'd ever know.

This time, I want those people who love us and will love our DS around us. I want all that positive energy to celebrate with us. I've been on strict bedrest since 19 weeks and couldn't have done it without my family and friends. They're support has been overwhelming. So I've opened up the birth to those who I know will be respectful of my choices and take away a lot from the experience. We are also offering to have family (yes, all of them) come stay with us after the birth. I can think of nothing better than to have my two children surrounded by people who love them and us. We have informed everyone that our bedroom is off limits and we'll use that as our space when we need time away from the group. I can't wait!

Michele - Homeschooling mom to Hadley, (10/03 - the 23 week preemie miracle) and Noah, (08/05)
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#15 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 01:30 PM
 
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Michele,

That sounds cool, too. Although it wouldn't work for me at this point, I think it's great you all know what works well for you.

Really it's just a matter of us preggos figuring out what we want and ASKING for it or demanding if the relatives are hard headed. :LOL
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#16 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 05:57 PM
 
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Henhao,
It wouldn't have worked with us with our DD, had she been full term and healthy. Our family had a totally different make up then and the "Mothers" weren't very respectful of us as their children. Now they are more aware that this is MY house and MY children and what I say goes.

I agree that we need not be shy asking or demanding what we need or want. I think often we're too polite with family and friends, and we miss out on what we need. Hopefully everyone will have the babymoon they want.

Michele - Homeschooling mom to Hadley, (10/03 - the 23 week preemie miracle) and Noah, (08/05)
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#17 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 06:41 PM
 
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I agree Michelle. My Mom didn't understand that when she visited it would be helpful to clean a bit, maybe make dinner, etc. You see, no one did that for her when she had us. It was a foreign concept to her. After I asked her politely to help us in that way, she was more than happy to do it. She loves to clean. Really!
Anyway, I make it clear to anyone that visits, that I won't be cooking big meals for everyone and the house may be in disarray. I definitely do not play hostess after a new baby is born. I think everyone understands- even if it is a new idea for them.
-Kerri
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#18 of 18 Old 07-06-2005, 08:02 PM
 
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my mom--aka fabulous wonderwoman--will be staying with us for a week or two right after the baby is born, but she's so easy to have around. plus I have no doubt she'll do lots of tasty cooking for us. then my sister will come up with her two pumpkins, but she's staying at another apt. also a no-effort visitor.

other than that, we're going to be having short, sweet visits, and make it clear ahead of time that we're not providing big meals, entertainment, or a spotless apt. for anyone. I plan on staying in my bathrobe for a couple weeks, just to drive home the point!
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