Sorry to carry the sadness over from the September boards, but I just wanted to post my birth story for all of you. I wish you all beautiful labors and births. I wish you all healthy beautiful babies that you can give an extra hug and a kiss for me.
So here goes...Sorry this is so long...
The beautiful silent birth of my baby boy Griffin Patrick
It all started early Friday evening. I was feeling tired during the afternoon so I laid down on the bed to rest. Got up and did a few things. Realized I hadn't felt the baby move in a while so I grabbed a glass of iced tea and I laid down on the couch. Finally felt the baby move once and got up and made dinner. This was around 6:30-7:00 pm. After dinner I sat on the couch with the family and watched some tv. Went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was tired. Hadn't felt the baby move. but just thought he was resting. I dozed on and off trying to feel him move. Finally fell asleep around 1 am. Got up at 4 am and just had a bad feeling. Hadn't felt him move since that evening. Got more iced tea, nothing. Laid on the couch in many different positions, nothing. Tried to rub my belly, nothing. My husband woke up and I told him I hadn't felt the baby move all night. He tried to relieve me by saying everything was probably alright. I just had an awful feeling. He suggested we take a trip to the hospital where I work so they can listen with the doppler and make me feel better once they hear the heartbeat. I say let me try some more juice. I told him I was just so afraid of going down there and them telling me there was no heartbeat. After dragging my feet we finally got there around 11am.
We dropped the kids in the laundry room at the hospital where my mother was working. With a distressed look on my face I told her I hadn't felt the baby move since last night and we were going upstairs to listen with the doppler. I walked on the unit and grabbed the doppler myself and found an empty bed in the triage room. I laid down and turned the doppler on. One of the girls I work with left what she was doing and came right over and took the doppler. She started looking and nothing. They grabbed a fetal monitor, nothing. In the midst of all this the midwife walked in followed by the doctor. All friends and collegues of mine. They brought the ultrasound over and immediatley began scanning my belly. I couldn't look at the screen. I just squeezed my dh's hand and looked at him and said our baby is dead. They kept looking, but knew it just wasn't going to happen. I started crying hysterically and was hugging my dh. They moved us to an empty room and gave us some privacy. We laid on the bed together and just held each other and cried. Around 11:40 or so dh went downstairs to tell my mother and the kids. He came back up and we made the decision to start the induction that afternoon. I went to see the kids before they left and gave them all big hugs.
The midwife that delivered my other three was called and came in for me around 1pm. My friend who was working that night was called and she came in early for me at 2pm. Dh's parents came to pick the kids up. My whole family lives in the county we do so everyone came to see us. It was so nice to have so much support. Our parish priest was called and came right away to talk with us and say a prayer for us. They prayed the rosary for our family at all six masses this weekend.
The first p-gel went in around 1:45 pm. I was 1 cm and long. Started cramping lightly right of way. Second p-gel went in at 3:45 pm. I was 2 cm and 50 %. Started to contract stronger. She broke my water at 5 pm 3 cm. Copious amounts of clear fluid so no indication of what went wrong. Contractions got a little stronger, but further apart. So many people were in and out. My mother, brother, sister. Finally at 7pm I decide I needed another gel to get things moving quicker. I needed this to be over. The third gel went in and I was 3-4 cm and 80%. Things really picked up. I was lying on my side to keep the gel in so that it worked. Finally this got too uncomfortable. I got out of bed. Stood leaning over the bed rocking. It was getting intense. I knew it was close. Tried to sit on the birthing ball, but it was so uncomfortable. I was asking for stadol because I was in so much emotional pain I didn't want the physical pain too. Got into bed-8cm. I knew it would happen with a couple of contractions. Got the stadol. One second later I felt my body pushing and told them it was coming. My body just took over and in three more pushes the baby was out. He was born at 7:47pm. I was still hoping that they had made a mistake and that I would hear the baby cry. Dh announced that it was a boy. They could see right of way that there was a true knot in the cord that got pulled too tight. I was relieved to have an answer to what happened eventhough it still makes no sense. I have been at many deliveries where the baby comes out screaming and when you look at the cord you see a true knot, sometimes even two. It was closer to Griffin than to the placenta so when he made his last movement that evening he pulled the knot too tight and cut off his lifeline with me. That movement I felt was my little angel boy saying goodbye. I kept saying the whole time how I was afraid to hold the baby after it was born. That all changed after I delivered him. I wanted him right up on my chest like all the others.
He was just so perfect and beautiful like all the others. His skin was so soft and he had a little bit of brown hair. We held him and just held each other and cried. All of our family came in to be with us and each got to hold him. He was 6 lbs 9.8 oz and 20 1/2 inches. A big boy for 35 4/7 weeks. He was so long. Our priest came right in and baptized him. We got to take some pictures of him which my sister got developed for me today. He is just so precious. The kids came down to see him and hold him. They all had age appropriate reactions to him. My oldest is taking it very hard and after we got home today she just laid on the bed with me and cried in my arms.
My friends I work with all came in after my family left and got to see my beautiful boy. It was nice to be where I worked and felt comfortable with everybody. Dh and I got to be with him alone from about 10-12:30 when they finally took him away. We just held each other in bed taking turns holding our son and crying. It was so surreal. It just felt like he was sleeping in my arms. I was so fortunate to have one of my best friends there for me for the delivery and for her support afterwards.
Dh and I slept together holding each other on the small twin bed. I didn't sleep much. Dozed off from around 5:30-7. It was so hard leaving there today empty handed. I feel so empty and sad. This baby was so loved and wanted. My heart just aches. I just feel like it will take so long to heal. Now I have to have my milk come in and not get to nurse my little boy for 2 + years. It is just so hard. Dh has been wonderful. My family has been wonderful. My sister dropped the pictures off today with one of them in a frame. Griffin just looks so beautiful. So perfect and peaceful. My little angel.
We have decided to bury him with a simple graveside service rather than a full church funeral mass. We have to go in the morning to talk to the priest and the funeral director. He will be buried on top of my brother's casket next to where my mother and father will be buried eventually. He will be surrounded by love. It is just so hard. We were not supposed to have to make these decisions.
If you have made it this far thank you. It has felt good for me to write this all down. All I know is I can find some peace when I think that my little boy is up in heaven with his creator and is at peace. He will never know pain or hurt or sadness and I will get to be with him again someday.
Peace and love,